and like a ghost i'll be gone

Home is so nice for once. I got such thoughtful gifts. My mom is amazing. I baught matching sterling silver rings for me my sister and my mom, we're all married to eachother, it's been like that since day one. no boyz for us.
Then ed, stevie, and brandon picked me up and we just fucked around and then walked around on the black diamond bridge and i almost barfed bc the ice was floating on the water below us and moving really fast and making me dizzy, then we went to eds and drank soda out of wine glasses and played games and watched tee vee and it was really funny. I cant stop consuming foods. The first night i was home i got shamelessly drunk with lindsey and brendan and other people, it was funny, we played kings cup and It was perfect for my first night back at home. I've had so many crazy Italian lasagna christmas dinners i'm so full i'm going to explode.

I'm gonna ball out for the next month on my fat christmas bonus, philly tonight and tomorrow to see the cro MAGZ with lil and thank god i'm going in a car with brandon and ed and not the shitty over priced three hour bus. I have straight a's this semester and a 4.0 average, i'm waiting for one grade though so we'll see. I got a vintage GUCCI crewneck it's sick. i'm rambling. It's cold as fuck. Beyonce and Mariah Carey are god. Christmas is over, thank fuck thank fuck thank fuck.

things always move in a circle and come back to you when you least expect it.
people i thought would always be there are absent, and the people i thought were off long ago were never really all that gone.




anyways. the best gift was the sour patch watermelons and dunkin donuts gift cards and the nice walks i had with certain people and sharing a queen sized bed with my sister everynight and talking about things before bed.

I used to fall asleep so empty, now i just ignore it and fall asleep and let that feeling just become apart of life. fighting feelings doesnt work.

i'm gonna go eat treats. peace. happy birfday jesus

ps. brandon gave me Metamorphosis to read and I like it. I'm also reading this new psych book that came out about insecurity, PRETTY INTERESTIN'.

What else in this room reminds me of you?
The windowsill with a crucified pit of an avocado still sits in water.
What else in this room reminds me of the relationship I’ve ruined.
The tables I made strong enough to hold your magazines,
but not your tired legs.
One more week in this apartment,
one more week of being haunted by the ghost of what should have been.
What else in this fucking empty room reminds me of fucking you?
An orphaned couch where I spent some long nights
while you went out with our friends.
What I wouldn’t do to be a ghost like you, to be somewhere new.
To leave everything,
the way you left everything that reminded you of me.
One more week in this apartment, one more week of being haunted.

good and gooder

Hey Nikki-- Will you be in NYC over the break? I've come up with a
3rd study for a paper i'm working on that looks at the influence of threat on
mind attribution and i think maybe we could do it by having a person be a
released prisoner in one condition and an imprisoned prisoner in the other. I
would love to get it done over the break (maybe the last week) and I was
thinking I could pay you to run subjects for me off of my grant.....


Dr. K


Megan N. Kozak, Ph.D.

Department of Psychology
Pace University


oh my god. dude. i just peed my pants!! paid to work with prison/psych shit and i'm not even a grad student. no fucking way cant wait.

oh and my college bill for this semester is FIVE DOLLARS. WTFFFF.

this war is noise

COOKIES IN THE OVEN
CLEAN ROOMS
ALMOST DONE WITH FINALS
KISSES (NOT GETTING EXCITED)
LAYING IN BED WITH KATHLEEN EVERY DAY
WINE
TWILIGHT
SNAPPLE "EARL GRAY" TEA IS AMAZING TOO
AND STILL LISTENIGN TO EYEHATEGOD ON REPEAT
CANDY CANE SPRINKLES IN THE CAFE
SOUL FOOD BUFFET IN BUSHWICK
LILY MOVES HERE IN 6 MONTHS
RAIN IS BAD THOUGH.
EVERYTHING ELSE, NOT BAD.

thoughts.

this entry is going to be very "random", even though I hate that fucking word.

OKAYYYYY.

a few things:

-People who walk slowly down the middle of the stairs should suck a dick

-I really realy really fucking hate when guys who can't commit to me get jealous when they see me with another guy. I'm really sorry but I don't fucking get it and usually when I get pissed when a dude i like is with another girl I ask the dude to be my boyfriend. Please don't make a small scene while I'm AROUND the new guy and make me feel GUILTY...AS IF I DID SOMETHIGN WRONG.

-Kathleen wants to make a day when only people that LIVE in NYC can be in the city, no tourists allowed day. It'd be amazing.

- We sorta pretended to be tourists and went to see the giant christmas tree in midtown. It was really exciting a bit then we were mauled by like 4 year olds with balloons and strollers and crazy moms.

- On friday I have to get 3 heart tests, one being a bubble test where they inject a bubble into my blood stream and follow it to see if it comes out of the hole in my heart. WOO, i hope somethign goes wrong and I die. My cardiologist saw I was paying out of pocket for these tests and decided to wave the whole feee stating, "You're a kid, you're a mess, look at you, I'm not taking your money" chris says he's just trying to "pipe it" with me. SOME PEOPLE ARE NICE THOUGH.

- I'm trying to like Christmas and not be a total grinch like I normally am. I think I hate christmas because my father's birthday is christmas morning and I just associate it with him more than like holiday festivity shit.

- I'm sorta seeing a boy.. Lily thinks he looks like emile hirsch and kathleen thinks he looks like jake gyllenhall and kim said "he's the hottest dude i've ever seen". it's intimidating, I've never walked down the street with a boy and had girls check him out left and right. He told me he's taking me to a really good pancake place soon. I'm nervous to have sex/be committed and for the first time in my life I think I perfer being alone. It's so much stress to have to call peopl when you say and like semi care what I look like and wonder what someone else is thinking. getting to know someone is sorta rough because i am usually miserable right now.

- I love my friends. Lily visiting for 12 hours, Kathleen being perfect all of the time, Lindseys texts, sagen's work antics...

- My hair is getting super long. I'm liking it more and more, thought about cutting it off but decided no.

- I could eat san loco macho nachos with a lime margarita every day for the rest of my life/eternity.

- Futon's are a really big symbol in my life, ask me one day.

- I'm pretty sure that it's nearly impossible to be Kevin's friend right now. He's just not the guy he was for the last 6 years I've known him and I refuse to accept anything less. I realize that i miss him and when i talk to him that missing feeling doesnt go away because we don't share a head like we used to. In certain ways and certain times I totally see it, when I look at him and we can seriously talk without sayign a word but lately I just see him and I see this like serious ghost of what used to be my favorite human being in the world. Such a bummer.

- A woman at the martz ticket station asked me if I was 16 because that's how old you have to be to ride alone. i just said "are you serious?", she totally was.

- I've never missed the summer so much in my life

- I feel like things are going to start changing soon, I dont know if for better or for worse.

- I want to visit lindsey in upstate ny over break, and bobby in D.C.

- Attntion NYC: get more diners, let me smoke cigs inside, stop having terrorism alerts, be warmer, coney island I want you now, Columbia accept me for graduate psych prgram, WINE.

memories that i gave up on i'm sorry for the past

So I'm back in Brooklyn.

I was welcomed with freezing rain, 8 million shitty "coyne" hands all over my block, a twelve page paper about prison shit and a 7 page paper about the Rwandan Genocide due in hours and I couldnt be happier. New York City, I fucking love you. Home was alot of crying and hanging with my sister and eating and kissies from my dog. It goes without saying that I still hate my father and even having to hug him makes my stomach turn. Weekends in Philly are more fun than ever before. I have a date this week with a boy I've thought was cute for awhile. He'll probably turn out to be a complete loser, but then maybe I'll like him more? ha. okay He builds scultptures and has a fucking awesome mouth and green eyes, my two favorite things. Home has nothing for me anymore, philly barely does. It sucks when you can't even use home as an escape.

Hopefully going to the Gilbert & George exhibit with Benny in the upcoming weeks.
ps. Benny, just noticed how you tagged my garbage can motherfucker.

Heavy hands. I blew up on Kevin. I wish people would stop holding on to me. It drives me crazy

I've had ghosts following me all day. Many people believe that ghosts are limited to phantasmic figures, but they exist in songs too. And old photos, and calenders, and dreams, and names. They exist within his name, and how many times I used to write it and say it. Ghosts exist within the walls of the places we went, and within the plans that we made. They have chessboards in stock again, by the way. I only went in there looking for bracelets- I had no idea that memories would follow. They don't paralyze me like they used to though. These days, a deep breath will do the trick, but I'm not sure whether to feel relief because my insides no longer unravel at the thought of you like they once did or terrified because I'm beginning to forget what you were like when everything was still okay between us.

Once again, home is a total and complete mind fuck.

The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist

LUA- by bright eyes is my winter song every year around this time.

I know that it is freezing, but I think we have to walk
I keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party at some actor's West side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening by the morning they'll be gone

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist

You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag

I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is

i made a winter mix for myself dis is it::::

Stupid Kid - Alkaline Trio
Say yes - Elliott Smith
Thirteen - Big Star
Asthenia - Blink182
Sacramento is Dead - Trash Talk
The Breaks - Robes
Live it out - Metric
The Light - Common
Sweet Dreams - Xander Singh
Red, White, and Blues - Menzingers
Play Crack the Sky - Brand New
Track 11 - Lauren Adams
Something Out of Nothing - Entombed
If you see her, say Hello - Bob Dylan
I Wanna be Adored - The Stone Roses
Skin and Bones - Owen
Bleary Eyed - Annuals
Battery in Your Leg - Blur
Margaret Thatcher - Matt and Isom
The best of Queens - Mobb Deep
Lua - Bright Eyes


There's seriously so much relief in being alone.

easy to be around

seriously, you're intimidating. It's weird because you're an easy person to talk to, but you know how to take care of yourself and have goals and ambition and that's scary to some people. some people burn their hand on the stove and try it again later, then others get burned and won't even flirt with the idea of going near the stove again.

and, from what I can gather, you need someone man enough to fight back with you and push back when you test them. so he'd have to step his game up and i think he knows that. which is probably what freaks him out

because, i think beause of everything that happened with your dad, you won't give another guy enough slack to hurt you. which is an admirable and highly elusive trait to grasp.





you are easy to be around
because you belong to no one

you are easy to be around
i like to walk beside you
you're so easy to be around
it's like i'm not even walking beside you

i'm sorry that you're dead and i'm angry with a corpse.

Something crazy happened.

All of my friends, and probably the people that read this, whoever it is, all know that I love sex. Sex is number one on the small list of vices that I have. And no, that doesnt mean I have one night stands and tons of casual sex. My usual operation is to find a dude i'm friends with to sleep with on the regular. Last night, a dude I have a teeny crush on who is smart, together, funny, and all around nice slept over and I didn't really do anything. that's not the weird part, the weird part is I didn't even have to hold myself back. I didn't even WANT to have sex or do anything. It was so incredibly foriegn that I was laying right next to a dude i'm attracted to for like 8 hours and didn't feel compelled to do much at all.

what does this mean? I'm scared now I think. I don't want to like anyone because it usually ends before it even really begins and him being older I think made me freaked out because he's not my normal choice of stupid young guy that I can easily get. Like normally i'm in this rush to get to know people, I want to know everything about everyoen and I was not myself last night. I didn't ask fifty million questions or try at all. I hate this new apathetic way I go about things. Maybe I'm just hurt from everything leading up to this month and I feel alone and tired and am settling into that feeling. Maybe the thought of someone touching me again in a sexual way just scares me. Sometimes I think that since i had a boyfriend my entire dating age childhood part of my life that nows the time that I do things that young girls normally do; trust the wrong guys, date around casually, get fucked over, learn what they dont want. It all bogs me down frankly and boys are no fun to me anymore. I don't have a light attitude towards sex, liking someone, and boyfriends in general. I want it back, hopefully it comes back soon.

In the morning after the guy got up and left for work I laid back in bed and who calls me? Kevin. Typical. How does he always know.

I have so much work to do for school it's literally sickening.

Lately listening to:

Lauren Adams
Dillinger Four
Matt and Isom
Bob Dylan
Jadakiss
Cold World

seaweed

i feel the time go by feel the distance
between you and me
and you know i didnt want it
but now that we got it
gotta twist it gotta turn it around
im thinking of the things you said
what it meant
what did it mean to you
i always fuck up the best things
i feel the distance
maybe you missed it
i feel the distance
and it makes me sad
but not enough to turn it away



Today was mad productive.
I have a dr. appointment for my heart in december
im getting a new phone
i bought sexy undies
got a $1 tea and drank it at union square and saw a cardinal
bought olive colored folders for my psychology research proposal
petted mad puppies
made tons of "to do" lists
paid the electric bill
talked to my family
and now i'm about to read about the genocide in cambodia in bed.

So while I'm sore from the smiles that you've given to me i just cant wait for the day when inevitably...

I walked by a tropicana truck today and seriusly contimplated jumping in it. my next semester classes are as follows;

Sexuality and Nation Building
Poetry for enjoyment
experimental psychology 2
Statistics in psychology
Public speaking

lame.

I have to reschedule my cardiologist apointment bc i conveniently missed it because i'm not in the mood to get yelled at by a doctor and find out that i probably either need major surgery or that it will never get better and i just have to "deal with" being constantly out of breath heart attack time.

things/peeples i miss...








i did dat









doing my own art, seeing art, new york in general, going swimming in wb with one of my best friends, summer in general, being retardedly silly with kathleen when we're home alone together, coney island when it's cold, being in love, holding hands with someone, being sure, being appreciated, dresses, knowing what was going on in all of your lives.

i hate missing things.

Around the corner from my work yesterday, a young girl got totally naked and stood on her fire escape and threatened to jump, she was tryign to kill herlsef, a million fire trucks were there trying to get her down, the last thing I hear before I die better not be fire truck sirens.

times are changing

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

I guess I wasn't good enough.

I'm so overwhelmed. My room is a mess. clothes, pillows, blankets, everywhere all over thefloor, i'm behind in school, i'm fucking exhausted, my appearance has gone down the tubes, i'm being a shitty friend, I just like sitting alone in my room watching movies. I need a vacation. so much has happened in the last two months I need new music, new clothes, new places, new everything. wb, philly, ny such a fucking circle.

I'm makign my schedule for spring semester, it's going to suck. I'm a grown up. I might take a poetry class. I've been writing that shit alot lately. blah blah blah.

I just want things to be effortless.

Every boy is intimidated by me, it's depressing.

at least i don't lie to myself like you do.

I turned 21.
This was one of the most amazing birthday's I've ever had.
The weirdo mix of gifts I got along with the 2 people that impressed me when they remembered, and the shock i got from some of the people that forgot, made this weekend perfect for me. Listening to your voicemail telling me that "you're too busy doing birthday thangs to talk to me, oldie" (i don't know why I thought he'd forget) and seeing who came to ny to see me and who didn't and realizing that I've been right all along. Falling in love on the subway with the most perfect boy and the crazy shit that happens to me an lily on the train at 5 am, at breakfast, and loving her more than life. I haven't felt more loved on a birthday ever before.

tattoo apointment
painting of a cardinal from matt (best gift)
lighters
cigs
olives with messags written on the jar
action figures holding cigs
mixes
cards
balloons
male models in vans (from sagen of course)
a spider tattoo
a homemade buttercream berry jam cake with fresh flowers on it
jordans
vodka tonics with lime
all my fave foods in a bag
pretty letters
dancing
rings
never sleeping
wearing a cocktail dress with sneakers
me and lily having opposite taste in boys
taxi's
cookie dough
being drunk for literally three days
BEAVERRRRR
sagen giving me a makeover
makeup, dirt, seriously contimplating cutting all of my hair off.


i'm coming to wb this weekend. I can't wait to see my sister and my puppy and fall leaves and hug my mamma.

holy fuck

carry on

Let's talk about guys of my past...

Kevin.
I dated him for about four years. the end was more on/off. He changed my life blah blah blah. We got married in the street. we've talked about the names of our kids, we corresponded with a notebook we'd each put entries in throughout our semi long distance relationship. He sang me to sleep, we went on trips together, he made me fall in love with new york city, he was the only boy i've ever let protect me, ever. He was my frist everything when it comes to sexual stuff, he's the first person I called when my dad went away to jail, we still talk about getting married one day,he still tells me he loves me more than i know, it just cant work right now for a while if ever at all. so we live our lives and sometimes we come crawling back. Told me to listen to "The luckiest" by Ben folds on our second date, it was how he felt. When I went away to college he wrote me a final entry in one of our notebooks telling me He'd love me uncondionally forever. Postcards from european tours, a picture of me as a little kid tacked up by his bed, "marieee mixes" #1-#24, him singing me elivs costello, fake flowers, he once ripped up 45 pieces of paper with notes of our words of our language of things he loved about me and snuck into my house and hid them all over my room. One in every cd, in my socks, in my bed. Music, alkaline trio, late night phone calls, telling me i'm perfect and he won't find that again.

Mike Hrom
One of the most amazing humans I've ever known. Smiling, all the time when i'm with him. So many good memories, I can call him crying whever and that dude would drop what he's doing to make sure I go to sleep happy. So positive. I still tell him everything, he gives the best advice. We had sex in the rain on a balcony by the ocean. Beat that.

Aaron
He did the most wonderful thigns for me. So thoughtful. He called me "bubbi" so fucking cute. He showed me that a guy was capable of loving me again. Nights in his room listening to records. Amazing. Staying up late all the time, me always falling asleep him waking me up. Always holding my hand. Getting drunk together him pinching my face. Him drawing me all the time. drawing me naked. Him fighting for me. Most amazing blue eyes.

Brendan
hahaha. crazy dates on the roofs of apartments we snuck into. Him coming to my dorm after skating and me giving him fruit and snacks at 8 am. Going to his skate prenmeire Him moving away. Him taking me to the christmas tree on wall street. Taking his virginity haha.

Luke
Being in his car, listening to the Into the wild soundtrack, singing cat power to keith while keith was passed out. Making up our own words. Never ever being cold around him, ever. Crazy texts liek "i'm high on a bus" or "DO YOU LIKE CHICKIN WANGS" staying up till 7 in the morning laying in bed making out falling asleep finally, breakfasts across the street. "mall grab" Keith calling couch us sleeping on a shitty little chair, him getting arrested, hiM always PEEING IN PUBLIC.

Ian
Always sleeping with a heating blanket, barfing out of his window. so many dinners cooked together, being lucky. watching movies, takign all of his clothes, sour patch kids in movies, bikes, him going on tours, telling me about mtv interviews, goign to his shows him doing secret hand signs on stage to me, him telling me i was beautiful everyday. him getting me breakfast before i even woke up, him coming to wb to meet my mom, driving him touching my cheeks to wake me up when i fell asleep. his feet always being cold, his freckles on his eyes, him loving my butt, sharing everything, burts bees shampoo, tatoos, him swimming the tubs when it was 45 degrees, skin turning red, fooling around in the woods.


That was fun, it always ends. I still talk to nearly all of those dudes. I'm finally for once free of the first one that took me so horribly long to get over and now I'm looking forward. I'm finally ready to give 100% of myself to a person. I've been holding back for the last two years because of my first love, which is why I ended it with most of those dudes i just mentioned.

Now, It's hard to know that someone out there exists that you totally can imagine yourself falling for whole heartedly and being with but it is just too hard because of long distances. fuck money, fuck time, fuck this time of year, fuck .

i'm gonna take the $30.00 check my born-again christian part of my family sent me for my birthday and go buy porn and weed.

Got Done Fuckin A Man Now This Bird Is Callin Me Screamin

Niggaz, Dont Fuckin Call Me Baby Like Im Related To Weezy
Some Of 'Em Call Me R, None Of Them Call Me Easy
I Dont Fall In Love With Them, Come And then Im Done With Them

-Remy ma fucking rules.

I keep chain smoking drinking mint berry iced tea i made sitting in my messy room.
naptime

then i gotta do laundry
tonight I'm going out with sagen and some magicians
i hope they turn the $$ debt i have into pancakes.




you know what you are to me
don't make me say it over and over again
it's way too late
or much too early
you know how I get
when I'm left alone to my vices
like the grown-ups did when I was a kid

I said: I'm a bird in your hand so take me as I am
you know what you are to me
don't make me say it over and over again
my left hand, a part of me
it stays late to clean up my mess
when I'm sick of all my choices
like the grown-ups I grew up with

I know you're there, I wish you'd talk.

I have a nasty cough.
This morning I was on the train really early in the morning. It's freezing and dark outside when I go to work and I get on the train with this girl, we're alone in the car and a guy gets on the train and like has a hole cut in his pants so that when he sits across from people he exposes his entire package. He sat across from me and this girl and stared at us while his dick was hanging out. She started to cry, we both got up together and moved, he followed and sat across from us again, I got up to leave to get off at the next possible stop because i literally thought i was gonna puke all over myself. I felt sad leaving her alone with him I thought about her all day. I hate when people make me feel powerless.

Sometimes I think about how much mind power it takes me to get up and actually accomplish the shit I need to get done and how usually I just want to lay in bed listening to the same 20 songs over and over and not speak to anyone. the world is seroiusly fucked up, and for the last few years I've been obsessed with saving it, even debating for sex offender RIGHTS in a class becuase I think everyone deserves a second chance, no one can be totally evil, everyone is a product of someone else who failed them. but right now, i'm not so sure. I think the world is truely fucked. Maybe I can't help anyone, maybe I won't do any good. Maybe this is growing up.

I want thanksgiving dinner, my dog on my couch, and a really good birthday.

My clothes all smell bad, I have a doctors apointment about my heart tomorrow. Something i've been avoiding for 2 years, I hope they dont tell me i need surgery or some shit. It can't happen, I haven't got the money or the will to put up with being in the hospital or dealing with doctors.


Last year on my birthday I had such an amazing party and Kev drove in a shitty van to New york with a huge poster of coney island. I saw him the other day, It's amazing when you look at one of your exes, especially someone you had such an impossible time getting over, and you just look at that peson and realize that you are not attracted to them in the least bit. It puts a smile on my face. Nice to see you, you still make me nervous and still know how to say the things that hit the hardest and you still know how to make fun of me better than anyone but I'm glad I don't know you right now, it would ruin my memory of you.

I have a new painting in the works. It's for Lily. I love her more than life.

IPOD shuffle feature

So the mornings are usually hard for me. I'm ususally up when it is still dark and I'm usually bummed on something or other.

On my IPOD i have an mp3 that my ex boyfriend Kevin made me, it's a recording of him telling me that he loves me for one of our zillions of anniversaries. Now this mp3 is whatever, I actually forgot it was even on my ipod. Until...the one morning I was particularly down in the dumps and looking out the window as the train went over the bridge into manhattan and I absolutely never use shuffle because it's really annoying I think, so my IPOD was on shuffle this morning and i'm looking out the window and then I suddenly hear his voice saying "hey nik, it's me, just telling you I love you so much, our two year anniversary" It's like my ipod knew I needed to hear that or something. I didn't cry or want to die or even miss him that much. I was just glad to hear a little artifact from how my life used to be and the only person I've ever known inside-out.

I want that feeling again one day.
I'm fed up of trying.
I think I'll give up for awhile. Maybe you do only fall in love once. True love is maybe just a one time thing and too good to happen again.

funniest shit

WAHHHHH

The place that i'm from doesnt exist anymore.

A list of songs that I am obsessed with lately...

Bayside - Just to See you Smile
Mirah - 100 Knives
Blink-182 - Down
Alkaline Trio - 97'
Transit - Rules of Nines
Immortal Technique - Point of No Return
Elliott Smith - Thirteen
Alkaline Trio - Help me (acoustic)
Beck - Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Boilermaker - White wash
Breakdown - Sick People
Broken Social Scene - Swimmers
Tuesday - Sixty-Eight
Underdog - Friend like them (demo version)
Jeru the Damaja - 99.9%

Seriously nothing else but this list and like the New Moon album by Elliott Smith on repeat over and over.



---------------------

This older man comes into the cafe first every morning for coffee and he is this adorable older man construction worker with like dirt all over his face and I usually am disgusted by older men but he's so sweet and calls me "pretty nikki" in a non-weird way and I decided I'd like to marry a man like that one day. He's totally wonderfully simple. I like simple people, because I wish I was more simple I guess.

fuck you

A few rules I live by:

Never totally say goodbye
Brush your teeth in the morning, it feels like a shower
Have sex as much as possible, it's really good for you.
Be good at keeping in touch with the people that matter
Don't get surprised when people let you down.
Always keep things ahead of you to look forward to
Never live with a guy until you're like about to pop out his kids.
Listen to Hip Hop when sad
Never doubt the effects of a good fucking meal
If nothing makes you feel better, get a tattoo
Homesickness is temporary and situational, don't forget why you moved away
Always fight back
Never count the cost.
Drugs and drinking aren't that great
Things happen for a reason
This too shall pass.


and never "confuse the lower point with the lowest point"

I'll be yellow, you be red.

Let's talk about how all you need in life is to sit on the couch with Kathleen and watch sisterhood of the traveling pants and sob.

Got some new clothes.
Gonna go to the movies tomorrow alone maybe.


Fuck. Last night was crazy.

I miss august.

Facing forwards going slowly

Today I had like a 12 hour day. I'm so sleepy.
I love you New York

Time to study research methods and chain smoke while listening to Either/Or.
Lily gave me a haircut, it's precious.
I still have some canvas left. I think I'll paint something new. I haven't in a while and I've got some good ideas. Today I listened to really weird music. Music from when I was little, music I found in my trunk when I was getting out my winter jackets, old mixes with birds drawn all over them, those who fear tomorrow is so fucking good. Also, I want to just go on a date. I hope my birthday this year is as good as last years. Best surprises, best pie, bestfriends. One more thing, I need to get a knife.



Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
I could be another fool or an exception to the rule
You tell me the morning after

Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
She'll decide what she wants
I'll probably be the last to know
No one says it 'til it shows
See how it is, they want you or they don't
Say yes




leenie 7 131 82 (11:57:23 PM): hes so mean
olive and well (11:57:46 PM): i wish i could make a boat
olive and well (11:57:51 PM): and put like about 10 people
olive and well (11:57:55 PM): on it and send it to no mans land

things change on a dime

Let's talk about...

MY BROTHER.

he rules..
+ he always fucks up the name of whatever boy i'm dating at the time. it's fucking hilerious.
+ he texts me about food all the time and it's our number 1 bond.
+ he exposed me to crazy amounts of NAS at an early age, along with mariah, beavis and butthead, macguiver, Zorro, and DMX.
+ He took me and my sister out for dinner at OLD COUNTRY BUFFET.

Let's talk about...

RAIN

+ it 99% of the time sucks.
+ It makes me feet smell much worse than usual and New York sucks because everything I do is 45 blocks from the train so my clothes end up getting soaked and I get to work smolling like a wet dog
+Umbrellas are ALWAYS annoying and no human can walk correctly with one.

Let's talk about...

BEING SAD

+It sucks alot.
+I used to have the ability not to care about anyone, I re-taught myself this ability, now I deeply regret it.
+ almost everyone is selfish

Let's talk about...

DOGS

+THEYYYYY FUCKKKINNNNNNNG RULE

don't forget to be kind to me

I don't think I ask much from people
I don't think sitting in the living room with Kathleen and Kim will ever get old
I don't think it's going to be a very warn winter
I don't think I'm done getting tattooed
I don't think I understand much of anything except for the people that I'm sure of in my life.

2 SONGS IM OBSESSED WITH AS OF LATE.

You remind me of a firework, boy
You touch the ceiling, you touch the floor
You sparkle and burn but you take your time

And i bet i could carry you across state lines
I'd tell you why, but i don't know
It's simple and so complicated
I could walk all day on the railroad track

But there's much more to it than that
You know all of my secret ideas
The ones i'm giving up on and the ones i'll keep
And everybody sees a funny look in our eyes'
Cause we know that we already won the sweepstakes prize




and.... DUH.

EXCUSE ME WHILE I SPEND SOME ALONE TIME WITH THIS PHOTO.

JESUS GOD JESUS FUCK

After Hours

Time to talk about the happy:

I'm being very productive as of lately.

I have a plan, a real plan.

I only like being in my apartment in my living room with my roomates or in Philly, that's pretty much it lately.

It's fall.

My birthday is in a month

Matt gave me a copy of DeathProof

Jeru the Damaja rulez

Lindsey came to the city and I walked around Central Park West with her and her Ahtropology class.

Not so happy:

My apartment has cockroaches.

I hate $

Today is the anniversary of the day Kevin and I met, 6 years ago.

The desire to skip class is overwhelming lately.

There aren't enough hours in the day.

I have my fucking period.

I smoke too much.

The DMV can suck fifty dicks.

I'm pretty sure the world is ending.

i hate that I cannot control certain things and I wish I could just make you be better but you never will be and you dont even understand how I think about the things you've said to me over and over and how much i obsess over what you don't say. you still don't know why I got that number tattooed on my ribs and you will never fathom what it means to me and you still refuse to acknowledge the worst day of my life. I wonder who never acknowledged yours. and if you're still mad at them like I'm mad at you. You were the last good thing I ever saw and after that day everything was gone and you ruined me. Sometimes I think I feel better but sometimes I feel like I'm seven years old again and still looking you in the eye waiting and waiting for you to tell me all the things you should have said, but almost 14 years later I still find myself saying it over and over to myself so I can be a normal human being instead of any angry little girl sitting in a car shivering.

Sleepyhead

All of my vactions to see Matt, Lily, Rashi, and Davey are the absolute best.

Guess who's Psychology professor chose her to be on her grant funded research team out of everyone in the whole entire calss. ME. AND IT'S PAID. IT RESEARCHES TERRORISM/VIOLENCE PSYCHOLOGY STUFF LIFE RULES AND IT'S GETTING PUBLISHED AND I'M NOT EVEN A SENIOR YET AND I'VE BEEN CHOSEN TO WORK ON A REAL RESEARCH STAFF.
i'm so happy. I almost cried right in her office. Honestly.She mentioned wanting me but I didn't think she was serious and I didn't think it was paid and REAL. On the way to philly I had to go to her office to get the details. HO MY GOD.

I have so much to do lately. Besides the god awful amounts of school work I need to also get my NY ID for my 21st birthday and go to the doctors to get my heart checked since I haven't in way too long and I gotta research the GRE'S and figure out when I'm gonna take them and apply to graduate schools. I'm a real grownup soon and it is so freaky.

Me and Matt filled up the big claw bathtub and put on bathingsuits and went swimming in it in the middle of the day. It was so funny. day baths and alkaline trio playing and bubbles everywhere.

I heard everybody's voice cut out when you spokeAnd I watched all the lights go dim when your eyes opened Well I can't believe you showed up, what do I do now? It's last call, time to go. But before we say goodnight. Let's walk home, let's be afraid. I wanna grab you by the arms and kiss you so hard. Let's do it right under the streetlight. I want it now, somehow I forgot how

"my therapist says one of my coping mechanisms is to always be thinking of the way out. Like this hotel, I'v memorized all the exits"

before I die

What do you want to do before you die?

Right now, for me, it'd be to change the prison system for the better, leave behind some awesome kids, honor my mother, marry a man who loves me unconditionally, end poverty, have sex in public more, and to learn to let go.

http://beforeidieiwantto.org/
http://beforeidieiwantto.org/
http://beforeidieiwantto.org/
http://beforeidieiwantto.org/

This website is pretty cool
here are some of my faves...

Matt came to Brooklyn this weekend.
My room turned into a camp where we hung out. Millions of drinks and backpacks covering the floor of my room.
We got caught in the rain twice, dried our clothes with my little fan.
Watched movies and made supper and were lazy.





Today at school I scanned some items in my purse that currently sum up my life.
I know, it's sorta depressing, but colorful right? hahah.
Ticket to house bunny that I went to see with Lily in Manhattan, too many cigs, sweet mint gum, and being on subways hours every day to get from work -school-home-.

I'm tired and happy. Twenty finally felt good, now in about a month I turn 21.


i keep seeing cardinals everywhere.

then turn the light on.

Things I like:
Smart People (not the movie)
Texting during school
Mexican Food
Pancakes
Consistency
Cardinals
falling asleep listening to all of "Pygmalion" by Slowdive, specifically the song "rutti"
Papayas
When people call me by a nickname
Listening to the same song over and over
Darjeeling Tea, black. or when I mix it with honeybush tea.

Things I do not like:
Paying my bills late
$400 electric bills (means I just have to yell at some mother fucker at con ed)
Introducing myself as "Junior, Psych major"
Having a stuffy nose
When my professors call me "Nicole"
cuts on my feet
Alkaline Trio tickets costing 35 bucks
Drinking whiskey and it reminding me of senior year of highschool

watch me hurt, cast me out, don't speak my name.

i'll know how much you know
i'll know how much you're mine
the simplest things
become so hard
a nervous wreck
beside your arms
anywhere is fine with me

I was wrong when I said things never work out right.

For the first time in about 3 years, I can say that I don't want summer to end.
This summer I got 5 new tattoos.
Today I saw my dad for like the first time when there wasn't 4 inches of glass inbetween us and he wasn't wearing an orange jumpsuit. For the first time ever, he looked old to me.
Im now microwaving old pancakes my mom made, so fucking good.
Everything does happen in August.

Weird in Wilkes-Barre

Last night at 5:07 am I couldn't sleep so I went on my front porch, completely in my underwear, and smoked a cigarrette so slow. It was completely dark and I was almost naked. It was so weird. I don't know why I did it. Well anyways, I had an intense/good cry. I need to learn to accept change. I always fight it. My bedroom here means nothing to me anymore.

Should be a while before I see Dr. Death.

It's my father's voice dreaming of
Sailors sailing off in the morning
For the air-conditioned rooms
At the top of the stairs

His jaw's been broken
His bandage is wrapped too tight
His fangs have been pulled
And I really want to see you tonight

There's bourbon on the breath
Of the singer you love so much
He takes all his words from the books
That you don't read anyway

His jaw's been broken
His bandage is wrapped too tight
His fangs have been pulled
And I really want to see you tonight

Someone ties a bow
In my backyard to show me love
My voice is climbing walls
Smoking and I want love

My jaw's been broken
My heart is wrapped in ice
My fangs have been pulled
And I really want to see you tonight

And it makes no difference to me
How they cried all over overseas
When it's hot in the poor places tonight
I'm not going outside

They cried all over overseas
It makes no difference to me
When it's hot in the poor places tonight
I'm not going outside

It's hot in the poor places tonight
I'm not going outside
I'm not going outside
I'm not going outside



I'm on a Billy Bragg and Johnny Cash rampage.
I got my little bed back, I missed it.
Today Kathleen and I went to the free clinic and got tested. It was like a scene out of kids. Manhattan is ridiculous. A guy asked me for my number in the HIV RESULTS WAITING ROOM. Easily the craziest place a guy has tried to pick me up. It was a 50 minute wait for my results and I was going out of my mind, not because I thought I had AIDS, but because they showed these ridiculous films and me and kathleen just played with a female condom because we'd never seen one in real life before and it made us never want to have sex again. YOU WILL GET STDS, AND YOU WILL DIE.

The results dude called me in the back and took forever to tell me and was liek "well everything is great, negative" and i was like "ALRIGHT COOL PEACE" and ran the fuck out of there. that place sucks. Then me and Kathleen went to Brazil. In conclusion, today was all about my vagina.



WILKES BARRE, HERE I COME.
smell ya later new yerk.





You laughed as I covered you over with leaves Face, breast, hips, and thighs You smiled when I said the leaves were just the color of your eyes
I could not see any wrong in you, and you saw none in me

Your arm was brown against the ground, your cheeks part of the sky
Your fingers played with grassy moss, as limber you did lie
Your stomach moved beneath your shirt and your knees were in the air
Your feet played games with mountain roots as you lay thinking there
The sun was hot and the sun was bright down in the valley below
Where people starved and hungry for life so empty come and go
I stand here filled with my emptiness now and look at city and land
And I know why farms and cities are built by hot, warm, nervous hands

Barfing.

NORMALLY i talk about pretty serious shit in my blog but I need to post this...
So a while ago i went on a date with this art director of mass appeal magazine. he's super good looking and asked me on a date so i went. He took me to one of my favorite places in all of nyc, so I thought that'd be a good sign. then i realized he's 26, and if you know anything about me you know i hate older dudes. we had fun but I sorta fucked with him because he was too nice, too together, too cool. but i thought it'd be cool to know him because it's mass appeal magazine and I thought we'd have some cool chit chats about hip hop or something. anyways. I realized how fun it is to date someone casually that you don't really like because I just said anything I wanted to him because I was not affraid at all of him not liking me. You should hear some of the weird shit that came out of my mouth around him. Lily even met him and dubbed him a nerd, a cute guy, but a total nerd. He sent me this email the other week and it's funny...


"Hey nikki long time no communicate.

And it feels weird to write this but ive been thinking about u quite often. It
would be swell to hang again. I had a super nice time last time we chilled (or
2nd to last time. It wasn't hat much fun meeting u at that bar to have u ignore
me, but whatever) maybe we can go see a movie or hit the beach.
Im on my way to boston right now to speak at a class tom
and then im off to help a friend shoot a story in historical williamsburg
virginia. Which should be a trip.

Ok cute one talk to u soon.

And im not sure exactly why but their is something about u i cant get out of my
head. Hmmm ...

Hugs,

SS"


gayest email ever.
i'm puking all over myself.
he texted me while I was in philly and said "what are you doing i'm bored in brooklyn" and i said "i died".

i wont complain

you and me and the half breath of sight before you speak
it's a pool of air
you can have me there


A few things;
The olympics is really awesome.
My dad called me today, I picked up.
I saw DARK KNIGHT in IMAX, my eyes hurt
I approve of my mother's new man more and more everyday.
I'm losing one of my best friends. He's slipping away, and i'm letting it happen.
I feel like the world is gonna fall apart soon. like when it comes to wars and economy and things.
going to texas with Lily for funfunfun fezzzt.
I want new clothes
I can't wait to have breakfast with Lily all weekend
A guy I know called me "a powerhouse" and it was probably one of the hottest things that's happened to me in a while. He meant it completely in a non-sexual way of course but just the same.
also, I'm too thin. I miss my booty, I need to go back on the PIll.
This year is going to be very different than any other year.
i miss sweaters.


MOVIES I WANNA SEE:

trauma
bandits
i am trying to break your heart
me without you
dreamland
betty blue