Tuesday, September 29, 2009

and everywhere it landed and everywhere it covered

It's almost October. Everything is moving so fast. I'm not going to do well on the GRE. I've studied so much for the last two months and it still won't be enough. I cannot use a calculator so I have to memorize even the basic things that I've forgotten since High School. I'm so nervous that I won't get accepted into a PhD program and so uneasy about the fact that there is no "safety school" that I've decided to give in and also apply to a couple of Master's programs. I know I can get into them but I just hate what a waste of time they are. Applications::::

Temple (M.S. program in counseling psychology, and PhD program)

NYU (PhD in Counseling psychology or PhD in Psychology and Social Intervention)

Drexel (M.S. in clinical psychology and PhD in clinical psych with a focus in Forensic psychology)

LIU brooklyn (PhD Clinical Psychology)

John Jay CUNY Graduate School (Phd in Clinical Forensic Psychology)

Columbia (not sure yet)

Anyways enough about that....

Had an amazing weekend. The Breakdown show was great, especially because I rarely see live music anymore which is super depressing.

Must finish up my thesis soon + finishing touches on my study

October is going to be cwazy.

John's taking me camping this weekend and it's my first time ever doing it so I'm really excited!! I'm terrified bears are going to like smell some baked good i forgot i stuffed in my purse from work or something and come kill us but I can't wait. I'll probably be memorizing formulas/vocab words the whole drive down but it'll be so nice to be in the woods befor winter comes.

Friday, September 25, 2009

war of the worms

Don't have much to say, all these sum it up though!!
People I miss, things I love, baby me, pictures that make me happy.
Currently sippin' an iced tea while doing school work.
She asked me if I want to dieI said,
of course I do sometimes
Anyone who doesn't want to die
Must not really be alive
Today's too great
The weather outside's perfect and I insist that we stay up real late
Today's too wonderful
To worry about anything on our list of things to do
Today is perfect
She asked me if I'd been in loveI said,
of course I've been in love
She asked me who I was speaking of
I said her name would not be sung

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

He is a shoe that walks away.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.At other times, it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another and not me.There are moments, most unexpectedly, when something inside me tries to assure me that I don’t really mind so much, not so very much, after all. I’ve plenty of what are called “resources”. People get over these things. Come, I shan’t do so badly. One is ashamed to listen to this voice but it seems for a little to be making out a good case. Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all this “common-sense” vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace."

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Girl with a bird she found in the snow. Flew up her gown, and that's how she knows.

More serious list of grad schools...


Temple (clinical psychology program)

Long Island University Brooklyn Campus (clinical psychology program)

NYU (social psychology program)

City University Graduate School (Social Psychology program)

Drexel University (clinical Psychology program)

Penn? not sure about penn anymore, I found out from psych grad students that their program is super research based and not very hands on...

Columbia is my reach school for sure, and I'm applying to two possible maybe safeties. Social programs are WAY easier to get into than clinical programs...20% easier in fact and when places only accept 5 students out of like 1256 applicants that's a big difference...

I also found out that nearly all of the schools i'm applying to offer full health benefits for accepted students. Its basically like i'm applying for a bunch of really serious jobs.

Also, my criminal justice professor is one of the heads of the NYPD and he has a really good friend that is the head psychologiest for the Manhattan Corrections Facility. He made a phone call to tell her about me/my research backround and that she will probably need interns. HOLLA.

All of my days are12 hour days. I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this. I never have a mental break..when i'm not in class or working i'm reading flashcards, researching professors/classes/requirements for grad school, or just plain getting my panties in a bunch over how fucking stressed i am about this whole process.

Anyways. I do get a break when I hang out with John, a much needed break that recently included finishing the entire pie of Lorenzos he bought and laying around.

I can't wait for this weekend, Scott, Danielle, Kelsey, and Rycal are all coming to my place to sleepover after the Breakdown show. It'll be so nice to have some familiar faces around, all such wonderful people.

I want to go to wb oct 3rd for lindsey's dad's surprise bday party!!

I'm tired and tight on money.

I have no clue what I want to be for Halloween

I'm tired, did i say that/?

Me and kim had a conversation about how when we started college we wanted to make a bunch of friends, and that having like 3 friends meant we werent being friendly/trying/outgoing...well now at the end of my undergrad years I've got about 5 best friends and I really cant believe I wanted more.

I want eighty five smoothies, a back rub, a hot tub, a really good dinner, and for the warm days not to go away so fast. It's fall.
somethign cute!!!!


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Jaycox luvz taylor swifffffft

As I sit here in the computer lab at my school I have never missed summer so much in my life. I'm in the middle of the most underestimated stressor I never anticipated: graduate school. Applying to gradute school is on par with the feeling I get when I get a phone call in the middle of the night from my mom that makes me think someone is dead, all of the stress of moving times thirty-five, or the pain of getting my foot tattooed but for about a week straight. My head cant even be fully involved in my senior year of college because i'm obsessing with my personal statement, the fact that I have to take/pay for sooo many standardized tests, not to mention study for them, also, i need to research each schools particular psych professors in order to mention their specific projects in my application and how I would be a good match for their individual research teams, oh and this will all cost me around $12oo when everything is said and done. All of this while being a full time student and working part time. I've been so mean to so many people, exhausted, flakey, and just plain bitter about this whole situation. I hate Pace University right now because I am ready to leave. I am totally ready for this next part of my life to begin, I just hate the preparation/anticipation/having no fucking clue, part of this.

I'll have a real update about the joys of my classes, which are really pretty much enjoyable, and an update on every other aspect of my life that has completely fallen away from my thoughts...

Oh, while there is so much craziness, one part of my life has completely fallen into place, and that is when it comes to the man in my life. I think it's so funny how the time I find someone I actually want to hang out with every minute is when I'm most swamped with all this bullshit. It's somethign reallly unexpected, that came from no where, but I'm lucky to have him. I want to scan the picture he drew of me inside a monter's belly but I think it's only funny to us.

My birthday is next month. I have no plans.

Time to make flashcards for GRE words.
I only talk to like 5 people, in the world. that's it.
Don't get me wrong, I love academia, LOVE it. I just hate that I have NO IDEA where i'll be next year...I could be in the same apartment as i am now, i could be in philly living in a one bedroom near jeppy, I could be living in Harlem by columbia, OR i could get rejected by every school and have no idea what i'm doing....
Sometimes i do just fantasize about quitting my job and just hanging out and like reading a bunch of books for fun butttttt then i'd hate myself.
I got a cheap deal on a haircut at a really fancy place, I have no idea what I should do with my hair, it's freakishly long. But with the haircut I also get a facial and a massage!!!! Hellz yahhhh

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Such a happy accident, a note in your sneaker at ten in the morning, and all of my worry that you were offended,the catch in my breath when you werent

First day of school today. Had a perfect last week of summer, it included: the aquarium, coney island (cheese fries, hot dogs, ocean, etc..), a home (WB) visit to see my mamma, a wild party in my backyard (nyc), playing catch and basketball with john, studying, brooklyn bar crawl, kissed a thousand cute dogs, getting some sun, a million sleepovers, meeting tons of new people, catching up in rittenhouse with Katie, car rides, truck stop dinners, feeling good about all things in general, lindsey surprising me at work, Kathleens back, new furniture. Here's a few pictures of the last bits of summer:


Auarium, I wish i had pictures of the walruses, they were the best.

Coney!!! Nude Beach trip


A car was lit on fire in front of my house! arsonz

Some of my walk home from the train:

Hi, Risers.

Time to go to school. Last year of undergrad. Its been fun, for once I'm not dreading all the change that's going to occur this year. I'm completely excited for the future. Open arms

Tuesday, September 1, 2009