"And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I love your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your face and hold your hand and go for a walk and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy's and talk about the day or talk about your day and and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don't listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you're sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my sweatshirts and never be able to find it and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep in for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your tits your arse your...
and sit on the steps sitting till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps till you come home and worry when you're late and be amazed when you're early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance and be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you're angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face and tell you you're gorgeous and hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand how you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you and wonder who you are but i accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don't believe me and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don't want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it's empty without you and want want you want and think I'm losing myself but know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less and answer your questions when I'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really dont' want to and try to be honest because I know you know everything I would hate for other people to know about me, and you for some reason you still love me. I know you prefer it and think it's all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it's a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and have sex with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you."
Finally saw John for the first time in three weeks. We got dinner at Honey's and were almost the only people in the whole place. He gave me a wallet he had when he was little that has "bad john" written on it in pen on the inside. I havent had a wallet in about three years. I like having his old things as my new things. He did some painting and I went on walks with danielle and looked at an apartment wiht Blair that I think we have in the bag which I"m crossing my fingers we do because it's perfect and gorgeous and theres trees outside the windows and I haven't had that since I lived at home. A cat visited John while he was in his studio and he took that picture.
I cannot take enough allergy pills or eat enough icecream right now.
three finals, no more papers, one thesis approval left until I'm free. John is going to lend me a few of his framed paintings to hang in the new apartment. this was the nicest thing to hear. I can't wait to live in a new city and have his artwork all over the place I live.
This weekend made me realize how much I'm going to miss NYC. I'm always so attatched to things on their way out. My neighborhood, the things I see everyday on my way to work or school...
This place turned me from an 18 year old girl who just broke it off with her boyfriend to move to a place where she knew no one while her family was totally falling apart.. into a self sufficient, grateful, 22 year old doctoral student that has proven to myself that I can honestly do anything on my own. I learned how to "make it" in the toughest place in the country to do so and thrived. I feel like I would have failed in any other city for some reason but Nyc taught me how to be small but strong and really love the feeling of being totally invisible.
Thank god I spent this weekend with two amazing girls at my favorite place. Coney Island. Cheese fries, freak shows, icecream, wind, junkyard dogs guarding a ferris wheel, seeing the ocean, being so excited to start the next chapter of my life in a new place and hope it's as good to me as New York has been. I wonder where I'll be after the next 4-5 years, I can see a blurry picture in my head of what it might look like and I like what I see. I like the people I see with me in this mental image.
Can you name everyone you kissed in '10? John Slaby, at least 3 babies, at least 15 dogs.
Two people who can always calm you down? John, Kathleen, My sister
Do you still talk to the last person you kissed? ya
Do you think a lot of people think/talk bad about you? I wish they'd just tell me, itd make life more interesting.
Name one person you wish you could fix things with? "you're saying you're leaving so leave then"
How was today? I wrote a 9 page paper in three hours and found free pizza in the student union and went to dance class which is basically my own stress ~outlet at this time.
Your ex is at your front door! What do you do? be incredibly confused. give him all of his stuff?
How do you think tomorrow will be? working at 6 am, class with a dumbass professor, giving myself an at-home pedicure
What are you excited for? moving, John's art show, summer of love 2010
Could you have sex with the last person you text messaged? Oh yeah she'd be DTF
Why aren't you with the person you like? Because he lives like two hours away and has to live in a cave and produce paintings while I live in a somewhat different looking cave and do school work. We communicate often from said caves.
Do you ever get "good morning" texts from anyone? yes! today it was "goodmorning little love"
When did you last straighten your hair? Atlantic City vacay
Do you know anyone who should not wear tight clothes? this is a stupid question.
Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? hap pee er
Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize? no
Is there a difference between love and in love? barf
Is there anyone you wish you could be spending time with right now? oh yeah
What's something that bothers you about girls? this is a stupid question. girls rule, boys mostly suck.
Is your life falling apart or coming together? coming together
Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? I dont ever
Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? anybody
Could things possibly get any better? It would be May 15
Today, would you rather go forward a week or back a week? forward one day, or forward one month
Have you ever copied someone else's homework? boring
Did anything make you smile today? how sweet and yum the mango I bought yesterday turned out to be
Do you know who your best friend's currently interested in? omg i loveeee
You kissed someone today, didn't you? KISSSS ME ON THE PHONEEEE
Do you ever apologize first? SURE
Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you laughed together? wtf
Who is the first person you see in the morning on school days? my alarm clock, the first person that walks down the street when I leave the house in darkness
Is there a guy that knows everything about you? a few know a little, a couple know alot, only one matters.
Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward? i WISH someone could make me feel awkward
Could you go a day without eating? can i got three hours? probably not
Who made you laugh last? when a girl in my criminal investigation class talked about a case where a cyote ate a baby and the primary evidence is that studies have shown that cyotes actually can take a baby's clothes off without tearing them. UM. I COULDNT CONTROL LAUGHING WTF
Who has seen you cry the most? I don't really cry unless its out of happiness. so "mad" is probably a more appropriate questions...and that would be my mom or anyone thats seen me yell at a guy in a bar.
Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try again? whatever
Do you want to be single? no
Were you intoxicated the last time you threw up? yup. also wasn't in a bathroom.
This weekend is heavily needed. On Friday I get to have a lunch date with my mom and then Brianna and Danielle are coming to the city and we'll hang out and we're trecking to Coney Island to pretend its already summer and then I'm excited to see Tigers Jaw at the Johnson house and then come home to Kimmy's birthday party. Its going to be jam packed.
I've been in a rut lately. I skipped class tonight to write my Mumia Abu-Jamal paper and I went to the grocery store and set up my own personal buffet of grapes, mango slices, sesame seed crackers, two choc. oatmeal cookies, and salad with tomatos and goat cheese.
Right now I'm sitting in this huge shirt I bought in Scotland and trying to resist pulling the covers over my head because being sad is okay because its better than angry, its better than feeling nothing. So I'll keep listening to my sad mix with my cell phone turned off because needing things only kills you slowly.
YOU'RE A BITCH, I WASTED TOO MUCH TIME WITH. THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO FUCKING SAY TO ME? HAVE FUN BEING MISERABLE YOU'RE A LIFE-SUCKING VORTEX. YOU'RE WEAK, A CHEAPSKATE, A LIAR, AND INCAPABLE OF EMPATHIZING WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS.
SKIN CANCER IS TERRIFYING
STUPID PROFESSORS ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE
APRIL FUCKING SUCKS
I AM ALWAYS AHEAD.
YOU'RE TOO SKINNY AND ARE GROSS. FIX YOUR GODDAMN HAIR.
I AM GRADUATING MAGNA CUM LAUDE.
ICED TEA WILL ALWAYS BE MORE REFRESHING THAN WATER.
FLARED JEANS ARE UGLY.
I FEEL LIKE ALOT OF PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEMSELVES IN THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER, WEED, BEING DEPENDENT ON THEIR PARENTS, OR LAZINESS. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER PEOPLE.
I NEED TO GET TATTOOD. NEED. MUST. NECESSARY. NEED.
I need to get new polariod film since they started selling it again in March. I had so many people pick me up while hugging me this weekend, you know what I mean? When someone embraces you so hard they lift you off the ground a little and for one second totally support your weight? That feels really good. Also, A dog sleeping at the foot of your bed is heaven.
Mom making me breakfast... her touching my face telling me to take a nap, her telling me I look older (weird).... Sitting in a parkinglot in the sun with 3 friends, including Bobby, catching up.
John bought me a new backpack for school and put this secret note in the front pocket. I lov.
I'm going to try and write La Salle a letter about my financial situation and hope they'll give me even more funding. ugh. whatever. If things are hard/exhausting/difficult that means you're doing it right, right?
Currently double fisting the end of a burrito I saved from six hours ago and a box of nut clusters my mom gave me. Ravenous.
Forget the things we swore we meant. I'll write you just to let you know that I'm alright Can't say I'm sad to see you go Cause I'm not, no I'm not.>
Things I'm really feeling lately:
-Sundowner -Mental -Bane www.nowinnershere.tumblr.com -Cover songs -Sephora's face primer...um I got this as a free sample and it totally changed the way makeup sits on my skin. I'm in love. and Built to Spill
-Obama changing the federal sentencing disparities with cocaine.
If you are good to me, and true to me, I will do anything for you. I'll will go miles for those people. If you dismiss me, the way I feel, or everything about me just goes right over your head, I'll turn my back on you in the blink of an eye.
Home is amazing, so many great kids. I got some new high waisted shorts and things from thrifting and spent the whole day with my mom and went to sleep early with my dog at the end of my bed. Tonight John comes home, I haven't hung out with him for the night in three weeks. Bobby also comes home, and Jeppy. I need to wash my hair and eat a sesame seed bagel with Oj. Bye ya'll