Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Monday, March 29, 2010

The American Nightmare

some thangs

An article from the Seattle Post:

"Consider this: Over the past 30 years, the 32 percent gap between the percentage of low-income students and wealthy students attending college has barely budged, researchers have found.

And at the nation's top 19 schools, only 6 percent of those graduating in 1999 were the first in their family to attend college, according to the new book "Equity and Excellence in American Higher Education."

A University of Washington survey revealed that 11.6 percent of the 2004 freshman class came from families earning less than $25,000 a year, while 37 percent belonged to families making $75,000 or more.

Going to college is not the only answer to poverty, but a four-year degree raises the odds that someone will make the leap to a stable, middle-class life. "

Only 8.6 percent of all of the U.S. graduates from a four-year college were raised below the poverty line. Those statistics are INSANE

I REALLY am interested to find out how many people born in poverty went on to actually earn doctorates too.

probably less than two percent.

As I sit at my school writing this stupid paper about crack cocaine sentencing disparities I can't help but be bogged down by how much the odds are against me. Hi, United States of America, I'm tryign REALLY hard not to perpetuate the cyclical nature of my family pattern of drug use, prison, divorce, and poverty, can you throw me a goddamn bone?

If I don't get approved for my loan without a cosigner, and I have to tell school "hey cya next time when I have money..." I'll lose it. I only can take so much. School was always something I committed to 100% because its garunteed to give back to me if I just work hard enough. Well, I've worked hard enough, now I need all of this to work out.

This almost caused me to have a nervous breakdown so my girlfriend since I was ten came to my house soaking wet from the rain in the middle of the night to hug me.

I'm so mad its hard for me to concentrate on this paper.
Tonight I'm making ravioli stuffed with chicken sausage and sundried tomatoes. I need to do the dishes, I need to sort clothes out that I can sell, I need to take out the trash, I need to prepare my thesis for completion by May 7th.

Thankgod John bought me a North Face shell bc this rain would be hell without it or my rain boots.

She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon.

You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood.

She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped and you fell. All your tomorrows start here

Saturday, March 27, 2010


So Atlantic City was insane.

Pictures soon. I think in some I'm hanging out with a 20 ft cement horse, jumping in the Casino's water fountain in my heels, and my friends and I were callled out by some millionaire and used as his good luck charms and I sat next to one million dollars and he threw around thousands of dollars and won 5 grand. I was just speechless and half sick and gasping while this was happening and I was drinking PaTrOn on IcE. I'm sad that vayCray is over because April is going to suck alot. I miss you

I filled John in constantly about everything becuse it was all amazing. Everything was sparkly and blinking and flashing. Thank god he loves my sloppy crazy ass because thats all Ive been for the last two days.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Put a Cherry on top, whip cream it up.

Going on a little spring break trip. Bustin' this mane out just because Erica said it's my best accessory. Almost been 9 months with John. Time flies. I've been feeling really loved this week from all of my friends. Thankyou girls and boys.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I hate gettin' toothache

plans for April:::

Home for Easter
Let my fingernails grow
Danielle and Brianna and Nikki do Coney Island
A day spent with my sister and mom getting our hair done
Get to know my future roomate non-stop
Cancel all nyc bank accounts.
take in my brown jeans
Switch my address to John's for the summer
Get A's on all of my finals (pfft)
work my way up to forty pushups, and hopefully ONE one-handed pushup
New wardrobe via salvation army
spend tons of time with Kathleen and Jaycox before I leave
buy sandals

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Don't applogize, I hope you choke and die.

tell me you will never be less kind to me than yesterday. You have absorbed me. I have the sensation at the present moment that I am dissolving.

Today was better than alot of days lately. I woke up at Jess's house and John had texted me late at night that if I call him early enough, he'd make time to have breakfast in the morning. So luckily I woke up at 9am on my own and called him, he was still sleepy from going to bed at like 7 am after workign on the tiniest details I've ever seen in a painting...but he biked over and we walked to Sabrina's and then walked back, slowly. I kept burrying my nose in the part of his arm that is level with my face and smelling him. I am going to be seeing him for a few horus every two weeks and then rarely if at all in April. When we got back I took a three hour nap and then got to sit in Jess's backyard with an icecream and it was honestly perfect. The night before I got to see Tigers Jaw and I was sweaty and saw some familiar faces. I'm so glad I have such great girls in my life. It's the best to be around old friends and new friends in one place.

This summer is going to be perfection. I'm so glad John is gonna help me find free furniture or cheap stuff at thrift stores to fill my new room. I've been thinking alot about beds and how I want to make my bed seriously superior. I'm so excited to have a bigger room that will fit a desk. I can't imagine how I'll get through April. I have piles of stuff to do.
I've been pinching every penny lately so I have as much money hoarded away as possible by May. I really would like even one new shirt or something, maybe when I go home for Easter my mom will take me on a target shopping spree for new Keds, underwear, and hair bands. fingers crossed.

It's a good feeling being back in a situation, one which you walked away from, and realizing you made the right decision. Refuse to settle.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I'll walk or I'll crawl to the end of any road.

This is the song we're learning a new combination to in dance class. Its sooooo fast. I feel like I have to hold my breath to get every ass shake in. My lower back gets sore. redic.

I will miss three humans when I move to Philly::




: (((((((((((((

This month I get to go HOME and I get to go on VACATION.
Done with midterms. The next two months will be comparable to torture.
Tonight for dinner I'm gonna make pasta with salmon and blueberries and apples with peanut butter for dessert.

Ive also started using mint scented shampoo. I'm NOT a product person, i get the cheapest shampoo...cheapest makeup...but somehow i randomly chose minted shampoo in my blind grab on the shelf? Well its honestly the greatest way to either start or end my day. It makes my scalp tingle and makes me instantly happy.

Its like I've never been so sure
of doing something stupid doing something without thinking
I'm just trying to make a getaway to you
and I'd have gone a thousand miles more
You are everything I hoped for

home is where I gotta go, will I ever know how to get there baby.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

long walk

even his sneezes are better than anyone elses kisses

Monday, March 15, 2010

"Evidence Of"

Evidence Of a Long Day

you go to work in the morning
with only
construction workers
and absence of a sun

at the end of
the day
there is no "rush-hour"
there is space to sit on the train
it's late
and everyone is already home

The first day off that it is somewhat warm I'm going to spend the whole day saying goodbye to Coney Island.

Why couldn't I be the kind of person who stays?

Making a list of things to do before I leave NYC
Listneing to Sam Cooke all day
I think I'm getting sick
Alkaline trio played for an hour and a half. they played 97', Fuck you Aurora, and Mr. Chainsaw. Finally seeing those songs live was amazing.
I decided that when I move at the end of May I'm going to throw out bags and bags of things. I dont really have much to say I guess. Erica got her bon voyage package. I put a friendship bracelet in, its cotton, so everytime a take a shower it takes a little longer to dry than the rest of me and when i feel a thin wet piece of cloth around my wrist I think of her.

When I am with you I forget about everything.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

In memorial to the worst day of my life.

wide eyed. knee deep in surprise. just below your thighs the temperature drops 5 degrees. your stand-by flight has just arrived. tongue-tied, bleeding from your eyes. even Christ himself would cringe at the sight of your scars. while you're counting sheep, i'll count my lucky stars. you were the last good thing i ever saw. i lost it all. i lost it all. burned out on 2 hours of shut-eye. eyes glazed at the thought of the next 8 hours. headwind, cold rain to wake me. you were the last good thing i ever saw.

Monday, March 8, 2010


It is only Monday and this is already the best week ever, just booked tickets at a hotel/casino on the boardwalk of Atlantic City for spring break with my girlfriends, was accepted to a Doctoral program at a graduate school and offered a residency at a mental health clinic starting in August (that's 20 people from 500 applicants chosen!!!!), and in three days I get to see my favorite band of all time for the 6th time.

um. hi everything is perfect. I'm gonna have the most ridiculous bedazzled club dress and eat at a seafood buffet and drink mimosas. Pre-doctor in training vacay. Five years of my life planned out. Moving to Philly in May. more later......

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Fade into you, strange you never knew.

close upz


made of forks

one of my fave pieces in the shows.


eating a sammich

This past weekend was all this art festival business so John came to NYC and since all I do in this city is sleep, work, and go to school, it was cool to go out and actually spend time soaking up all the cool things New York has to offer (I actually got semi lost in midtown for a bit). We went to this fancy place to eat where they have caviar and expensive olives and tried thirty thousand things from the menue with a few of John's friends and went out with greg afterwards and drank and ate free pizza late at night. I bought two things for Erica's bonvoyage package, I hope she likes them.

I've been thinking alot about intimacy lately. I always grew up thinking it was cuddling, and sharing secrets and intense eye contact. For now I'm learning that those things are all wonderful and crucial but when I think of the most intimate situation I've been in, it was probably when I first started seeing John and we'd only kissed a few times yet....but he noticed I had a hole in my cotton he sat on his bed and threaded a needle and slowly, carefully, and gently (not to poke me with it), I layed on his bed and he held my hip still as he sewed the hole shut while the dress was still on my body. Him talking to me and fixing something so simple and touching me so newly was so loving. It's strange how you learn from and about people. I never let people just take care of something for me, I like to always be the one "doing" but in that moment specifically, it was nice to sit back and watch the act of someone caring about you.
I don't want to do school work.
I paid my taxes.
At least it was sunny
I drank the best lemonade I ever tasted ever also.
Today I wore shoes without socks for the first time since the fall and my whole ankle started bleeding from blisters. John gave me his socks for the walk home. That was relief

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

born from the the dirt

Loose braids, messy ties. Her hair flows over sheets, she rises slowly and stretches. We crawl into the plum tree and through the mountains, searching for antlers, guided by snow and tracks and moss and neon orange mushrooms . She's covered in furs. I watch smoke pour out of a trash barrel, we shoot at paper men. The wolves are my goodbye, skeleton tights. His head is on my lap, two cats as we pet, pale and paler. Close the curtains, he traces my spine and then he's back on that plane. I say, "I'll wait until you come and get me" and I just might mean it. I wish they were mine but for now here are useless words for the ones I love.
I'll take them all.

I've been reading alot of little tidbits of different kinds of writing recently.

I'm craving a box of junior mints. The next four weekends are intensely planned. A vacation is in the works for me, Kathleen, and Kimmy, before we all move away. We've lived together for so many years and I think it krept up on us that we won't be this way anymore, ever again. Over the summer, if I don't find a summer job in Philadelphia I've designed a new writing project. I've wanted to do a whole collection of poems with a theme since I read Kenneth Kochs' book about addresses, that's not the home address, but like speaking to something sort of address. It'll be cool, I really like my idea and have thought of about 5 different poem ideas already pertaining to this theme. It's just something to do to not let my brain get rusty before I start graduate school (if I get in). Also, I'll be in an unfamiliar place so doing that and feeling productive when I won't have school, and probably won't be working, is crucial for my sanity.

This weekend John is coming to NYC, he has a trip for work to some art festival and I'm gonna wear something pretty when we use the V.I.P. passes he has for some openings on Thursday night. He always looks so polished and sometimes when I do things like this by his side I like to look just as put together, its fun to get fancy.