Saturday, February 28, 2009

stronger now than me, stronger than you.

I couldnt figure out how to make this mix uploadable. so sorry but It's been what I've been listening to for the past few days.

When I go out with my friends I don't try and get to know people anymore, I just usually find a seat and sit there and watch everyone. I always wondered why those people do that at parties and now I know.

This past week I got to speak to men that have been on death row for decades, it was amazing, I cried maybe 3 separate times, saying bye to them was hard because I know they are returning to the bullshit that is the American Prison and I'm going back to my normal life. One, Stanley, was in SuperMax for 26 years so far, for those of you that don't know, SUPERMAX is when a prisoner is kept in an all white no window room for 23 hours of the day and the point is to perform sensory deprivation, and he was still able to talk for 30 minutes about his experiences, and talk about it well.

I can't get enough sleep, I'm always tired.

I was having a conversation with a dude that's into one of my friends and the things he said blew my mind about boys..."I can't take that girl on a dont guys are like two really REALLY cool girls" and then in another friend's boy situation he's intimidated by her success and ambition...? wtf. WTF. I'm really sorry that giving a fuck about your life is now considered somethign so fucking weird, or lame, or uncool.

I want Ollies and to lay on the couch with my mom.

Kathleen is leaving this summer for Mexico, I will be lost without her.
Espcially because I'm terrible with goodbyes, and I won't do it right.
I'm sick of missing people.

Here's my mix:

Weak Week – Alkaline Trio
Bleary Eyed – Annuals
How Life Can Turn – The Appleseed Cast
Black Wind Blowing – Billy Bragg/Wilco
Buried – Alkaline Trio
Looking Back – Bold
Honey or Tar – CocoRosie
Everyday Thang – Bone Thugs N Harmony
You and Me – Her Space Holiday
Luchini (This is It) – Camp Lo
I Was Thinking – Xander Singh
Lucky Smoke Rings – Dan Adriano
So, Leave Then – The Exit
For Once in Your Life – The Jealous Sound
Half Right – Elliott Smith
The Other Kid – The Now
If I Am a Stranger – Ryan Adams
I’m Gonna Strangle You – Screaching Weasel
Ghosts of Princes in Towers – Rich Kids
Anesthetic for the Amputee – Slow Reader
The Rat – The Walkmen
Virginia – Clipse
Our Own Way – Hot Water Music
Sunshine State – Frank Turner
Borstal Breakout – Sham 69
Thirteen – Elliott Smith

I haven't seen a Cardinal in so long.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Half Right

I've got toothpicks in my eyes.
A smile more yellow than the sky.
I've got a song stuck in my head,
one that I miss more than my bed.
It's a song sung from a fallen milkman
who's drinking bleach instead.
I'm much like him.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

It's all about the visual

this is my brain on pictures.

Don't pass out drunk in my house..or THIS HAPPENS...sorry keith.

Monday, February 16, 2009

kiss her on the teeth


I thought that this was honestly the only emotion I was ever sure I'd felt. Blh blah blah it's confusing. But honestly after about 7 years of dating/loving/hating I've come up with this...


love is when I look at your horoscope every day before i read mine just to see what your day might be like, so i feel like I might know even a snippet of your life.

I've come to the conclusion that I won't be dating anyone legit for awhile. Everyone is a waste of time and quite frankly, I'm not even in the shape to be totally open/energetic/accepting of another person to be meeting people. Not like I meet people worth my time anyways. I just feel like this past year gave a big "fuck you" to my view of love and dating. so fuck that. its weird to look at people that you've been so fucking next level intimate with (i'm not talking about sex) and waving hello is just enough. or seeing they're new shitty look isnt working for them haha, or seeing them touch another girl, or having them touch you. It's all weird. I wasn't taught how to deal with it well. I was basically raised in a house of women. When I lived with my dad I'd sleep with his clothes to feel safe because he was always gone in the middle of the night. Now that I'm not 8 and can't sneak into his closet and steal his tshirts to lay with, what do I use to feel safe? Now it's mostly nothing, some friends, an unstable outlook for the future? It'll happen, it'll come together. I'm a pretty miserable person, but nothing has ever EVER taken away my hope for things to be better. If i lost that I'd honestly finish myself off

moving on...

Spring is coming. that means stressful tests, moving, having no money, wanting tons of clothes, and riding bikes.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

kinda sorta

I want to go on a date.
I want San Loco nachos
I want Summer
I want gazillions of dollas
I want naps naps naps all day erreyday.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

If my heart is made out of gold than why does it feel like I’m here all alone

Hi. I've liked sneakers for a bit now. I have a bunch but I've always ALWAYS wanted this certain pair, it's been sold out/not available for years and this is them my elusive first loves of sneakers....

kinda girly/corny but what can i say...

I'm pretty into this NEW new found glory album.
I miss alot of people right now.
I have to go to 34th street and I hate that shitty area. I feel like I'm an amusement park. IMA GET PINKBERRY MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM


Monday, February 9, 2009

You were the first real choice I would make

I don't want to go into manhattan and print out 34568842689 pages of bullshit I have to read. I went to phila this weekend it was fun I spent a ballsack amount of money and had a really good time. I have to go pay my rent now to my landlord, Ray, who has always been amazing the freaks that live upstairs are playing really weird music and playing DDR above me so I'm laughing alone in my room right now. It's gorgeous outside and I want to go to coney island and I want cheese fries and lemonade. It's valentines day soon and I think I'll buy myself daisies and get pinkberry. I don't know why i'm so tired lately. i just ate a 2 day old brownie. I wish everyone I liked lived in one place.

time to stop being a lazy bum.

Highlights of Philly trip:

Lily introduced me to a song by alkaline trio i'd never heard, it's AMAZING.
mini vacation
first nice weather in so long
meeting new people
seeing tigers jaw
lily/rashi/uriah living room
WAWA (new york you gotta get into this place)
getting some much needed long distance love from one of my bff
I saw a cardinal on the walk to work that friday morning before I left, it was on a staircase!!

"He's Just Not That Into You" was sorta disapointing, the book was better and it took less time for me to read it than to watch this movie.

Time to make my bed a fortress of comfort heaven and

Monday, February 2, 2009

It's so easy baby

Loner lifestyle.

This post will be about NYC.

I think sometimes people question the effortlessness of my major move from the only place I've ever been to the most populated city in America. I moved to New York City when I was eighteen. I've lived here for almost 3 years and It was hands down the best decision of my life. Why was it so easy? Because I wanted a new family a new home and to feel small. Feeling small was a very big part of it. I like that here, and only here, I can disappear and mean nothing, to no one. Do you know how much of a relief that is? It's changed me in many ways. Sometimes when I go back to wb I do things because I'm so used to living in a place where no one cares about anything especially about what I say and do and look like. I shouldn't give people dirty looks whenever I feel like it and I shouldnt just yell at whoever. ha. Okay so back to the point...New York seriously saved me. I can't believe I considdred living in Philadelphia, besides the fact that it's the #1 WB drop off point of every kid my age, I couldnt live there because my ex boyfriend of years moved there. My life would be very different today If i moved there essentially with him. I'm glad I didn't, I'd probably be the same dependent girl, lacking in self validation totally and really fucking unhappy. I like saying "yes, I DID THIS" I became totally self sufficient, I've me the most ridiculous people and have really struggled alot. Nothign is shocking to me anymore, I've seen people virtually dying on the street, extreme homelessness, random acts of violence, sexual assault, the relationships of people of EVERY ethnicity play out in front of me, and it's been quite a trip. I will live here for easily 10 years and can't imagine anywhere else being worth my time. My days consist of mostly me going to and from places alone, listening to my IPOD. Having a staring war or smiling at a little boy on the train for 20 minutes when he and I can't even speak eachother's languages is the shit I live for. I feel like I belong here more than anywhere else. Also, where else can I walk down the street in a full winter jacket, scarf, hat and have only my eyes peaking out because of the wind and have a man look at me and say "You're fucking beautiful" hahhahahahhaha.

So the answer is no, I will never look back, I will never move back,and yes, when you want something bad enough anything is possible. ANYTHING. If i lost my job tomorrow and was faced with the option of moving home, it would never I MEAN NEVER happen, I'd live in a box and drink my own urine if it meant living in an environment that makes me totally happpy and satisfied.

I know it's weird I just up and moved, especially when I've never even been on a plane or spent the night in another state than PA my whole childhood. I'm independent minded, always have been, leaving isnt hard when you are walking towards so much good.

ignore the video. listen to this blink cover, by my man dan from alk3.

i'm kickkkkkkkking fiercely at the world around meeeeeeeeeeeeee