Sunday, February 28, 2010

My whole lifestyle like cummin' to america


Two nights ago I had an extremely vivid dream where I was standing in a room and just watched an elephant give birth to a baby elephant. From beginning to end, it was really intense and then I woke up. So, this is what it symbolizez:

Sri Lankan myth : It's good to dream about an elephant and is EXTREMELY lucky and rare to see one giving birth. It is a similar thing that lord Buddha's mother saw when she was pregnant with lord Buddha. It could mean that you or someone close to you is pregnant. Also, it could mean an amazing job, or good news about something you're waiting to hear from, or lottery fortune.

I'm really excited that it is March because I get to see my favorite band, continue surrounding myself with good people, and hear back from the rest of the schools/results of the interviews. I'm slightly homesick lately and the next two months are dedicated to finishing up my senior year of college and planning everything out seamlessly. I decided that I won't be walking at graduation, even though it's in Radio City Music Hall and something worth doing, I just don't think it's that big of a deal and definitely not worth 5 hours of my time. I can't see John very much in the next two months since he must finish like 20+ paintings within the next 8 weeks and I don't want to distract him. We will do plenty of fun things in the summer like go camping and hopefully he'll help me furnish my apartment because he's good with stuff like that and I'm still stuck at the level of tacking pieces of paper to my walls. This past weekend I spent a few days with my bff since I was 5 years old and I honestly almost peed my pants laughing at least 14 times, it was exactly what I needed.

John Slaby is one of my best friends in the whole world.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

great expectations

I have this rush of feeling that my dad is going to die when I'm young. When I picture myself at his funeral, I look the same age as I do now. I feel relieved at the funeral. I think about him alot when my life is about to change. I think because he made me learn since I was about 6 that change meant something either bad was happening to me, my mother, or my sister. Sometimes I think that I was way more adaptive with pain then, I just spent alot of time alone and would listen to the noises in my house and try to remember them, even if they were bad. I listen to people talk about the house they grew up in and how when they are in it they think of such happy moments and I wish my place like that was a house. My place like that exists in the backyard of this one particular house I lived in for a bit of my life. When I was about six all I wanted was a swingset and my dad wouldnt buy it for me, no one would ever get me this stupid blue and red swingset I was in love with, I think he even laughed when I asked him. It was one hundred dollars and I saved up for it and bought it for myself. Its gone now, taken out of the ground...but the holes from where it used to be planted into the ground still exist. Four deep holes. I stared at them the last time I was there and remembered one of the first times in life when I realized I could do it all alone. That being without help, or "helpless", is, and will always be, totally fine with me.

If as a little girl I could create moments of a happy child-hood for myself, I definitely can as a I continue to become an adult. In eight months I'll be 23, all I know is never in my life have I wanted to crawl in bed with my mom in the middle of the night more. I'm definitely happy. Life is finally paying me back, I still have alot of work ahead, as well as obstacles, but I'm really falling in love with the idea that life can be really good.

Steamed carrots and spinach with pasta for dinner, a banana chocolate chip muffin and asian pear for dessert.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

How could you?

All I wanted was for you to tell me why I was so deserving of such exclusion and coldness for so long. Now I don't care and realize that you are poisonous and I cannot be your friend anymore. How could you? How could you not only pretend like nothing happened but still continue to make me feel totally replaceable and used.

The last few weeks I've been putting alot of effort into making the truly good people in my life ( good= self sacrificing, good listeners, people that ask me how I am at the start of a conversation and actually care what i say, people that don't just call me when they are bored, or need me when they are desperate) those people get the best of me, everyone else gets nothing. I'll weed all of them out. one by one.

I do want to thank all of my friends that I love. You know who you are, i've probably had an hour long conversation with you this week about this very topic.

I'm so proud of all of the strong girls I can call friends in my life. You are all doing so good, I'm proud of you for laughing at the shittiness and looking at the future. You're all gold.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Hello Walls

I'm told "you look really tired" over ten times a day. Tonight I spent the entire night home alone. I made pasta and squeezed myself some grapefruit juice. They were really sweet grapefruits and drinking it ice cold made me feel like it was summer for ten minutes even though I sat in a caccoon blanket watching movies in a bedroom with no windows, in almost complete darkness. Inspired by Erica's post about happiness, I tried to think of some too.

Happiness is when someone says exactly what you need them to say at exactly the right time.
Happiness is the smell of microwave popcorn.
Happiness is my sisters stuff mixed with mine in the bathroom at home.
Happiness is my boyfriend in pajamas/sleeping things.
Happiness is new socks, new sheets, new towels.
Happiness is my mom putting jars of olives in my Christmas stocking.
Happiness is little kids on the subway looking out the windows.
Happiness is having your own secrets.
Happiness is seeing anyone fight for anything good, just, fair, or right.
Happiness is picking specific book marks that go along with the theme of the book that I'm reading at the time.
Happiness is being alone somewhere, knowing that no one in the whole world can see or hear you for at least that moment.
Happiness is someone washing your hair in the bathtub.
Happiness is thinking about being 4 years old and walking around the house in my father's huge steel-toed work boots instead of my mother's heels like most little girls did.

We haven't gotten mail in six days. CAm awnnnn postal service!!!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

you pull the world over me

Today I saw a little girl hang a missing person's poster up on the subway.

Whenever I rip a hole in a pair of stockings I go into a a cathartic frenzy of ripping the rest of the pair up to bits. That's a secret. I'm supposed to be writing a paper.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I've never been affraid of dying

and i know i've been distant and i've filled you with doubt
but i've been heartbroken and i figured out
we all make a choice and i've never been afraid of dying

(jus' hangin in my favorite bed nook )

but its fine because i'm already hardly alive
and we keep on holding on, hostile or withdrawn
its our will, our way, live through it everyday
and i don't really care to stop it because we've
brought it all on ourselves for so long
and it helps us to remain valiant

the same apprehension, the same subtlety
its been 3 years and you still tread on me
its not a choice, its a struggle to stay conscious
some romantic metaphor, its an uncanny sign
baby, i'll be your muse if you'll always be mine
we spell it out in incoherent love songs

(Im really into my snow boots, black tights, and hair acessories lately)

I watched the film, "After Innocence." It was full of information I was sadly already aware of. But, then I remembered not everyone is obsessed with researching the level of error that the United States Justice system is guilty of. So in case you are unaware: 129 people have been released in the last thirty years that were sentenced to die for crimes they did not commit. There are hundreds more that were serving life sentences that were also convicted wrongly. Most states do not have a bill that compensates them or exponges their records upon release, these men are lucky if they get an appology from the judges that looked at them and labeled them rapists, murders, and put them (and their families with them) behind bars for 10, 20, and almost thirty years until DNA could prove their innocence.

Human Endurance always amazes me. I think I'm more obsessed with that than anything else. I think I'm an endurance junkie. Even at my most "painful" moments in life I made it a point to get through it all on my own, just so I can feel super-human-strong when it doesn't hurt anymore (or in some cases, hurts in a different way). Such an incredible high.

Anyway, if you want to learn more about The Innocence Project, go to

Or you can just watch the documentary. It is on watch instantly on netflix!!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

oop bored

Double your money and make it stack

School was cancelled. I was reading the newspaper at work yesterday and there was an article in the Wall Street Journal about married couples that have been together for 50+ years. The interviewer was asking them to list things that they deem crucial for a loving, lasting marriage. I thought this was interesting since about a month ago I remember having a conversation with John about this. His parents have been married for a long time and well mine, have not (like much of the popluation). It was interesting to see what people learn about marriage when they grow up around it, and how little I really know about it since I never really was exposed. Here's the link to the article:

I also just realized I've never put any of John's art here on my blog. Well, in honor of honoring my valentine for this weekend's holiday. Here is only some of it. My favorite painting of his was sold in the fall and I'm sad I don't get to stare at it anymore. No, I lied, my favorite painting of his is the one he gave me when we'd only known eachother for a few weeks and which he gave to me when I returned home from Scotland. It's hanging above my bed, it's all mine with a lil baby cardinal in it.

some of his arts:

That's from a series where he painted pretty much every kind of cigarette pack

He's gonna totally hate me for doing this

Monday, February 8, 2010

criminal code

I feel like everyone is on the verge of crying from frustration from school and work and the environment of the world right now. Everything is sort of on edge. It's almost spring, we'll all make it. I don't feel like reading anything besides nonesense books and the stack of 14 magazines I just stole from work. Sometimes I'm so tired I feel like everything is such a waste and I have no reason to be exhausted because I'm rarely rewarded for the constant 24/7 busting my ass every minute to survive and stay ahead path that is my life but I have to remember that if i start doing things only for the rewards, the place where I came from and where I used to be would never have gone from the hole that I was born into, to the hole that I crawled out of.

these are all photos from Kathleen's blog. The photos she posts are all amazing!!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

we danced this morning

Everyone go watch the movie "Paper Heart"

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Congratulations applicant

Tonight a got home from a long day of work and class and had two wonderful things in my email.

#1 AN INVITATION FROM LA SALLE UNIVERSITY TO BE INTERVIEWED FOR THEIR DOCTORAL PROGRAM IN CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGY. This is honeslty a dream come true. I cried for about 15 minutes, definitely stopped breathing for at least 45 seconds.


and that photo from john saying hi.

Monday, February 1, 2010

shut off the lights

I feel like shit. I got weak. for real.

Ran until I found somethign worth stopping for

I put my hands over my eyes, pulled them away, and you were still there.