I was welcomed with freezing rain, 8 million shitty "coyne" hands all over my block, a twelve page paper about prison shit and a 7 page paper about the Rwandan Genocide due in hours and I couldnt be happier. New York City, I fucking love you. Home was alot of crying and hanging with my sister and eating and kissies from my dog. It goes without saying that I still hate my father and even having to hug him makes my stomach turn. Weekends in Philly are more fun than ever before. I have a date this week with a boy I've thought was cute for awhile. He'll probably turn out to be a complete loser, but then maybe I'll like him more? ha. okay He builds scultptures and has a fucking awesome mouth and green eyes, my two favorite things. Home has nothing for me anymore, philly barely does. It sucks when you can't even use home as an escape.
Hopefully going to the Gilbert & George exhibit with Benny in the upcoming weeks. ps. Benny, just noticed how you tagged my garbage can motherfucker.
Heavy hands. I blew up on Kevin. I wish people would stop holding on to me. It drives me crazy
I've had ghosts following me all day. Many people believe that ghosts are limited to phantasmic figures, but they exist in songs too. And old photos, and calenders, and dreams, and names. They exist within his name, and how many times I used to write it and say it. Ghosts exist within the walls of the places we went, and within the plans that we made. They have chessboards in stock again, by the way. I only went in there looking for bracelets- I had no idea that memories would follow. They don't paralyze me like they used to though. These days, a deep breath will do the trick, but I'm not sure whether to feel relief because my insides no longer unravel at the thought of you like they once did or terrified because I'm beginning to forget what you were like when everything was still okay between us.
Once again, home is a total and complete mind fuck.
LUA- by bright eyes is my winter song every year around this time.
I know that it is freezing, but I think we have to walk I keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights off But Julie knows a party at some actor's West side loft Supplies are endless in the evening by the morning they'll be gone
When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit
And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist
You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag
I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane
And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is
i made a winter mix for myself dis is it::::
Stupid Kid - Alkaline Trio Say yes - Elliott Smith Thirteen - Big Star Asthenia - Blink182 Sacramento is Dead - Trash Talk The Breaks - Robes Live it out - Metric The Light - Common Sweet Dreams - Xander Singh Red, White, and Blues - Menzingers Play Crack the Sky - Brand New Track 11 - Lauren Adams Something Out of Nothing - Entombed If you see her, say Hello - Bob Dylan I Wanna be Adored - The Stone Roses Skin and Bones - Owen Bleary Eyed - Annuals Battery in Your Leg - Blur Margaret Thatcher - Matt and Isom The best of Queens - Mobb Deep Lua - Bright Eyes
seriously, you're intimidating. It's weird because you're an easy person to talk to, but you know how to take care of yourself and have goals and ambition and that's scary to some people. some people burn their hand on the stove and try it again later, then others get burned and won't even flirt with the idea of going near the stove again.
and, from what I can gather, you need someone man enough to fight back with you and push back when you test them. so he'd have to step his game up and i think he knows that. which is probably what freaks him out
because, i think beause of everything that happened with your dad, you won't give another guy enough slack to hurt you. which is an admirable and highly elusive trait to grasp.
you are easy to be around because you belong to no one
you are easy to be around i like to walk beside you you're so easy to be around it's like i'm not even walking beside you
All of my friends, and probably the people that read this, whoever it is, all know that I love sex. Sex is number one on the small list of vices that I have. And no, that doesnt mean I have one night stands and tons of casual sex. My usual operation is to find a dude i'm friends with to sleep with on the regular. Last night, a dude I have a teeny crush on who is smart, together, funny, and all around nice slept over and I didn't really do anything. that's not the weird part, the weird part is I didn't even have to hold myself back. I didn't even WANT to have sex or do anything. It was so incredibly foriegn that I was laying right next to a dude i'm attracted to for like 8 hours and didn't feel compelled to do much at all.
what does this mean? I'm scared now I think. I don't want to like anyone because it usually ends before it even really begins and him being older I think made me freaked out because he's not my normal choice of stupid young guy that I can easily get. Like normally i'm in this rush to get to know people, I want to know everything about everyoen and I was not myself last night. I didn't ask fifty million questions or try at all. I hate this new apathetic way I go about things. Maybe I'm just hurt from everything leading up to this month and I feel alone and tired and am settling into that feeling. Maybe the thought of someone touching me again in a sexual way just scares me. Sometimes I think that since i had a boyfriend my entire dating age childhood part of my life that nows the time that I do things that young girls normally do; trust the wrong guys, date around casually, get fucked over, learn what they dont want. It all bogs me down frankly and boys are no fun to me anymore. I don't have a light attitude towards sex, liking someone, and boyfriends in general. I want it back, hopefully it comes back soon.
In the morning after the guy got up and left for work I laid back in bed and who calls me? Kevin. Typical. How does he always know.
I have so much work to do for school it's literally sickening.
Lately listening to:
Lauren Adams Dillinger Four Matt and Isom Bob Dylan Jadakiss Cold World
i feel the time go by feel the distance between you and me and you know i didnt want it but now that we got it gotta twist it gotta turn it around im thinking of the things you said what it meant what did it mean to you i always fuck up the best things i feel the distance maybe you missed it i feel the distance and it makes me sad but not enough to turn it away
Today was mad productive. I have a dr. appointment for my heart in december im getting a new phone i bought sexy undies got a $1 tea and drank it at union square and saw a cardinal bought olive colored folders for my psychology research proposal petted mad puppies made tons of "to do" lists paid the electric bill talked to my family and now i'm about to read about the genocide in cambodia in bed.
I walked by a tropicana truck today and seriusly contimplated jumping in it. my next semester classes are as follows;
Sexuality and Nation Building Poetry for enjoyment experimental psychology 2 Statistics in psychology Public speaking
I have to reschedule my cardiologist apointment bc i conveniently missed it because i'm not in the mood to get yelled at by a doctor and find out that i probably either need major surgery or that it will never get better and i just have to "deal with" being constantly out of breath heart attack time.
things/peeples i miss...
i did dat
doing my own art, seeing art, new york in general, going swimming in wb with one of my best friends, summer in general, being retardedly silly with kathleen when we're home alone together, coney island when it's cold, being in love, holding hands with someone, being sure, being appreciated, dresses, knowing what was going on in all of your lives.
i hate missing things.
Around the corner from my work yesterday, a young girl got totally naked and stood on her fire escape and threatened to jump, she was tryign to kill herlsef, a million fire trucks were there trying to get her down, the last thing I hear before I die better not be fire truck sirens.
I'm so overwhelmed. My room is a mess. clothes, pillows, blankets, everywhere all over thefloor, i'm behind in school, i'm fucking exhausted, my appearance has gone down the tubes, i'm being a shitty friend, I just like sitting alone in my room watching movies. I need a vacation. so much has happened in the last two months I need new music, new clothes, new places, new everything. wb, philly, ny such a fucking circle.
I'm makign my schedule for spring semester, it's going to suck. I'm a grown up. I might take a poetry class. I've been writing that shit alot lately. blah blah blah.