Last night at 5:07 am I couldn't sleep so I went on my front porch, completely in my underwear, and smoked a cigarrette so slow. It was completely dark and I was almost naked. It was so weird. I don't know why I did it. Well anyways, I had an intense/good cry. I need to learn to accept change. I always fight it. My bedroom here means nothing to me anymore.
It's my father's voice dreaming of Sailors sailing off in the morning For the air-conditioned rooms At the top of the stairs
His jaw's been broken His bandage is wrapped too tight His fangs have been pulled And I really want to see you tonight
There's bourbon on the breath Of the singer you love so much He takes all his words from the books That you don't read anyway
His jaw's been broken His bandage is wrapped too tight His fangs have been pulled And I really want to see you tonight
Someone ties a bow In my backyard to show me love My voice is climbing walls Smoking and I want love
My jaw's been broken My heart is wrapped in ice My fangs have been pulled And I really want to see you tonight
And it makes no difference to me How they cried all over overseas When it's hot in the poor places tonight I'm not going outside
They cried all over overseas It makes no difference to me When it's hot in the poor places tonight I'm not going outside
It's hot in the poor places tonight I'm not going outside I'm not going outside I'm not going outside
I'm on a Billy Bragg and Johnny Cash rampage. I got my little bed back, I missed it. Today Kathleen and I went to the free clinic and got tested. It was like a scene out of kids. Manhattan is ridiculous. A guy asked me for my number in the HIV RESULTS WAITING ROOM. Easily the craziest place a guy has tried to pick me up. It was a 50 minute wait for my results and I was going out of my mind, not because I thought I had AIDS, but because they showed these ridiculous films and me and kathleen just played with a female condom because we'd never seen one in real life before and it made us never want to have sex again. YOU WILL GET STDS, AND YOU WILL DIE.
The results dude called me in the back and took forever to tell me and was liek "well everything is great, negative" and i was like "ALRIGHT COOL PEACE" and ran the fuck out of there. that place sucks. Then me and Kathleen went to Brazil. In conclusion, today was all about my vagina.
WILKES BARRE, HERE I COME. smell ya later new yerk.
You laughed as I covered you over with leaves Face, breast, hips, and thighs You smiled when I said the leaves were just the color of your eyes I could not see any wrong in you, and you saw none in me
Your arm was brown against the ground, your cheeks part of the sky Your fingers played with grassy moss, as limber you did lie Your stomach moved beneath your shirt and your knees were in the air Your feet played games with mountain roots as you lay thinking there The sun was hot and the sun was bright down in the valley below Where people starved and hungry for life so empty come and go I stand here filled with my emptiness now and look at city and land And I know why farms and cities are built by hot, warm, nervous hands
NORMALLY i talk about pretty serious shit in my blog but I need to post this... So a while ago i went on a date with this art director of mass appeal magazine. he's super good looking and asked me on a date so i went. He took me to one of my favorite places in all of nyc, so I thought that'd be a good sign. then i realized he's 26, and if you know anything about me you know i hate older dudes. we had fun but I sorta fucked with him because he was too nice, too together, too cool. but i thought it'd be cool to know him because it's mass appeal magazine and I thought we'd have some cool chit chats about hip hop or something. anyways. I realized how fun it is to date someone casually that you don't really like because I just said anything I wanted to him because I was not affraid at all of him not liking me. You should hear some of the weird shit that came out of my mouth around him. Lily even met him and dubbed him a nerd, a cute guy, but a total nerd. He sent me this email the other week and it's funny...
"Hey nikki long time no communicate.
And it feels weird to write this but ive been thinking about u quite often. It would be swell to hang again. I had a super nice time last time we chilled (or 2nd to last time. It wasn't hat much fun meeting u at that bar to have u ignore me, but whatever) maybe we can go see a movie or hit the beach. Im on my way to boston right now to speak at a class tom and then im off to help a friend shoot a story in historical williamsburg virginia. Which should be a trip.
Ok cute one talk to u soon.
And im not sure exactly why but their is something about u i cant get out of my head. Hmmm ...
gayest email ever. i'm puking all over myself. he texted me while I was in philly and said "what are you doing i'm bored in brooklyn" and i said "i died".
you and me and the half breath of sight before you speak it's a pool of air you can have me there
A few things; The olympics is really awesome. My dad called me today, I picked up. I saw DARK KNIGHT in IMAX, my eyes hurt I approve of my mother's new man more and more everyday. I'm losing one of my best friends. He's slipping away, and i'm letting it happen. I feel like the world is gonna fall apart soon. like when it comes to wars and economy and things. going to texas with Lily for funfunfun fezzzt. I want new clothes I can't wait to have breakfast with Lily all weekend A guy I know called me "a powerhouse" and it was probably one of the hottest things that's happened to me in a while. He meant it completely in a non-sexual way of course but just the same. also, I'm too thin. I miss my booty, I need to go back on the PIll. This year is going to be very different than any other year. i miss sweaters.
MOVIES I WANNA SEE:
trauma bandits i am trying to break your heart me without you dreamland betty blue
Today is all about laying in bed and eating pancakes. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I miss Wilkes-Barre. August is flying by.
A pretty song I haven't heard in so long...
You have a beautiful, beautiful smile; the way it curls and collapses on your lips. . It's late I'm afraid you might leave, 'cause sometimes it seems like you still don't believe me. There's nothing I can do to concentrate. It's so distracting always thinking of you.
It's a beautiful, beautiful time. As you laugh and roll onto your stomach. The carpet embraces your design. My heart pounds as I lay by your side
My blog is getting boring. Kathleen and I are on a downward spiral. My bed is heaven I can't wait to see Lily my hair is so fucking long
-------------------------------- Laur sent me this crazy astrology site that said crazy stuff about Scorpios (me)... http://www.cyberspacei.com/englishwiz/library/names/zodiac/scorpio.htm#_Toc6672026
THE SCORPIO WOMAN: You can give her a tumble, but she won't fall all over herself reacting to your overtures. Don't expect her to bat long, sweeping eyelashes at you, and adore you with blind devotion. Lots of female Scorpios are tomboys with stubby eyelashes. Besides, with those beautiful, mysterious eyes that can read your mind so clearly, she doesn't need any extra trimming. Whisper something romantic that would melt another girl out of her senses, and the Scorpio girl will simply give you an intense, penetrating look that will see right straight through to your real intentions. She's a human X-ray machine, so don't flirt. Unless you mean business, you're wasting her time and insulting her. I wouldn't advise you to insult a Scorpio. It's just not healthy. If you don't know what I mean, ask someone who has. He may have some stories to tell that will curl your hair.
You'll have one of two reactions. You'll be hopelessly caught in her spell, and down you'll go, in a dizzy spin toward surrender, or you'll be scared right out of your socks, and feel like running for help. What's your rush? Stay around awhile. You might find out what life is all about. She knows.
She either bitterly resents or she intensely worships. If one of these two passions can't be aroused, then she totally ignores, with ice around the edges
But she can mysteriously emerge from all her explorations above suspicion, and still superior to almost every other woman you know. She could be the keeper of quite a few secrets. It's surprising how many dark deeds are confessed to Scorpios, though their own inner lives are marked: "Private-Keep Out." She likes to hear secrets, but she'll seldom tell anything anyone has confided in her, not even to you. You can also expect her to have a stack of secrets that relate to her personally, and don't try to pry them out of her. There's a private part to this woman you'll never touch, a part of her mind and soul that belongs strictly to her, and there's absolutely no trespassing there. She's not untruthful, in fact she's more oftien too brutally honest
All Scorpios are highly selective in friendships. They'll keep the worthy companions through an entire lifetime, and freeze the shallow, the common or the unworthy.
Like that locked chest or drawer she's had since childhood, certain things about her are off limits. It will get you nowhere to probe. I realize fully that it isn't fair. So does she. But that doesn't change things a bit. That's the way it is. Take her or leave her. You'll probably take her. It's almost impossible to leave her. If nothing else, she'll haunt you the rest of your life. Adjusting to the idiosyncrasies of her nature is easier than suffering the nightmares that will surely result if you walk away. No one walks away from a Scorpio. Not really. Didn't you know that? Those who have tried can educate you
you fucking cut me in half I hope you go blind I hope you go deaf You left me sensless Death penalty I would say bye but you're mind is fried I'm free you'll always be bad with words I want you to know you can't be missed when all i hear is silence
Yesterday was my last therapy session with this guy I talk to once a week. I asked him to sum me up and he said "you refuse to believe that you were completley neglected and you need to work on not trying to be so independent from the people that love you."
i guess im gonna try and be totally vulnerable this year and see what happens. Also, it hit me while talkign to Kathleen that I will never live with my mother ever again and I felt like I got punched in the stomach. I miss her so much. I miss her braiding my long hair and us talking about things before bed. I miss her laying on the couch and me sitting in the space between her bent legs and the end of the cushions. I also never realized how fucking pretty she is. Her eyes are such a pretty blue green. I wish I looked more like her than my father. I hate my father's shitty black eyes. I hate that I have his mouth and his eyes and his skin.
Running away seems to be what I feel like doing lately. Runnin' away to Lily's bed.
Peter Balakian, Black Dog of Fate Doris Bergen, War and Genocide: A Concise History of the Holocaust, Rowman & Littlefield Slavenka Drakulic, S.: A Novel about the Balkans, Penguin Books Adam Jones, Genocide: A Comprehensive Introduction, Kazik, Memoirs of a Warsaw Ghetto Fighter, Fergal Keane, Season of Blood: A Rwandan Journey, Primo Levi, Survival in Auschwitz, Donald L. Niewyk, The Holocaust: Problems and Perspectives of Interpretation, Houghton Mifflin W. G. Sebald, Austerlitz, Modern Library Art Spiegelman, Maus: A Survivor’s Tale: My Father Bleeds History/ Here My Troubles
Just like a lil snippet of my reading list for my six credit Honors course about Genocide. SOUNDS FUN. SEASON OF BLUDDDDD
I need to get laid I need to clean my room I need to make a to do list Wilkes-barre bands invade Ny this weekend. Then I invade philly the weekend after that Then I invade W-b after after that.
All of my roomates are laying on my bed watching Romeo and Juliet. Gotta join the party.
if i'm sinking and laughing at something sunken in, i am
it feels exciting touching your handwriting
getting horny by reading it and repeating poor
meintently staring at the picture of your feet
on the sticker
at the r. crohn's exhibit,
i wonder who's sicker
jerking off in an art museum john till my dick hurts
the kind of shit i won't admit to my head shrinker
not even in a whisper to my own little sister
i just act like a dick and talk shit when i'm with her
aught six i'll say the friday before easter
was not good i cried to myself in the pisser
and with you in the front row at the silver jews show
and you act like you didn't notice, my fear of the bear
at showbiz pizza when i saw six was overwhelming and not dissimilar to this
if i'm sinking and something sunken in, i am
at jacob han's on tour i wake uphung over on a hardwood floor
from a dream about how your dress
hangs off of your little breasts
i'd rather be dead than call this song
how i lost your respect but god bless or get neglected
and i'll see you when the sun sets east, don't forget me
This is a song Erica put on the mix she brought me this weekend. It's sexy and amazing and wonderful. WHY? is a good band, not really totally my thing but this song is a jam nonetheless. I also got an awesome mix from Matt who came in to the brooklyn and came to Kathleens birthday party. Seeing people vomit is still so weird to me. I can't even form a proper paragraph right now. why am i updating..
Went with Matt and Brendan and Knelly to 5 points, I'd never been there before. We saw half naked models and shitty foreign writers and I went on the 7 train for the first time. I feel like I fell back in love a little bit with New York this weekend. I'm never leaving. 5 points was definitely a good thing to see, the stair climb made my calves sore today. Bought an apple. I sat on the ground alot this weekend. I'm always dirty and always thirsty. Kevin texted me from a Detroit hospital to say he got in an accident and broke a few ribs. Life is bizare. I don't miss anyone anymore. I just absolutely love my friends. I need to do the dishes.
I'm finally home alone after having about 6 people sleeping here everynight and it's sort of strange. I thought I'd be more pumped, maybe I'll take a bath, but then I would have to disinfect the entire gross tub beforehand and thats tons of work. I saw two cardinals this month so far. I've gotten 4 hours of sleep in the last 2.5 days. I'm delerious. My bed looks good from here.
(PHOTOS BY MATT WREN) MHM.
Lists are always better:
popeyes and beer
slowly losing my amazing memory
getting hit on by 15 year olds
I just got a phonecall from Kathleen who's watching Lil wayne right now and she held the phone up so I could hear him. HE'S SILLY. he sounds like kermit the frog in real life too!!
I feel like everyone is questioning stuff lately. I'm excited for school
There's four thousand balloons in my hallway. I hope Kathleen's flowers don't die before she gets home from baltimore.
At work we made rose biscotti and my skin smells like sugar and roses. So pretty actually.
This photo is from the fourth of July, alot was different then. I love the Market Hotel Parties, this night not so much because I was basically breaking up with Ian who is awkwardly sitting across from me in this photo. That was over a month ago. I took this picture from AKIME's blog, thanks to akime! http://www.whatsupbrahh.blogspot.com/ ( a friend of ben and jay's). ..
Right now I'm getting lifted with my friends listening to Mariah Carey's greatest hits. What can be bad in all that good? I want to go on a date and see Pineapple Express.
The other day, this one cumstomer at the coffee shop I work at who comes in constantly, Nate, brought me a book he thought I'd like. It was so thoughtful. He was dead on to give it to me because I love it, It's apparently about this poor kid and he's writing it from prison. I love it.
"I think my mother was always faithful to my father's infedelity" Before Night Falls by: reinaldo arenas
I went to the Market Hotel last night actually had some good roof time with Ben and Erica. Wine with sour patch kids at the bottom rules.
Also this weekend the EARLY BIRDS, came to stay with me. By far the best band to sleep over EVER. they were so much fun, props to matt for running around in the freezing fire hydrents at 5 am. stayed up till the sun came up so I could go to work at 6 am. Matt and Elko went all the way into the shitty with me to walk me to work, nicest thing a boy has done for me in a long time. walked around times square when it was dead, it looked like a ghost town. havnt laughed that hard for days in a long time. So many good things. wished they stayed forever. I love good guys, love my stoop, love walking around bushwick meeting PIMPS, love the early birds for letting us ride in their hot box van. You guys are the best.
My mom and sister came to visit. We three women have dealt with some heavy bullshit in our last 20 years together. My favorite thing about my mother is that she has an ability to get fucked over by someone, move on, and then look at them again with such purity and forgiveness. I think since she always had that while I was growing up I took the opposite road. I am in a rut, yes, but when my mother touches my face, or pinches my tattoos in disdain, or when she notices new freckles on my arms, I cannot help but think everything will be fine. When things were bad in the past she would just look at me while we were sitting in another shitty situation, smile, and say "I know this will be okay", and it always was because we were usually laughing. "oh hahah I guess it can get worse.." Even when we didn't even have a house for a small part of my life. I'd never trade sharing a bed with her and my baby sister in my aunts attic for anything, even though it was 107 degrees that horrible summer, and we had nothing.
My dad can't pay his phone bill this month. Guess who will? Probably me.
Alright, enough of that. I have been smoking WAY too much lately. I'm listening to Trash Talk non-stop and none of my clothes fit me the right way. All I want are popcicles and swimming. and pancakes.
ask Him if He wants me to come home If He says He's seen me changing all our plans to suit my own Will you apologize or stand behind the selfish moves we've made While learning life is strange and people change and circle round again
i saw a woman spank a baby today. it made me sick.
I love reading my book from my "Sociology of Violence" class 2 years ago. Best class I've ever taken in my life. My professor was this little young woman who would show us clips from Faces of Death and I also took this class with about 7 police officers and I'd just get into these heated debates with them about racial profiling or how just because a person has been to jail doesn't mean they're fucking evil. I love reading over this book, it has some really good points about the psychology of violence, the patterns of urban violence, and investigative psychological profiling of those that act out violently.
"violence is the intrument not merely of the criminal disorderly, but of the most upright and honorable"
Justin left the book EXTERMINATOR, by burroughs here at my apartment, so I guess that's my new bookfriend for the next few days/weeks.
-Laying in the grass in central park on sunday with Laura, even though I hate central Park alot. I want icecream.
- EARLY BIRDS show in Long Island on the 4th
August 10th-Kathleen's Birthday Extravaganza.
We're making lobster and will probably be naked and like chilling in this huge apartment on 6 ave because Kelsey is apartment sitting. Everyone come. Lily, Kathleen wants you there, just close your eyes when we boil the lobstaz.
August 16th - Kevin has a show at the cake shop...my favorite venue in the whole city.
still gotta get him something good for his just past 20th birthday
This is hardcore with Lily and friends and getting out of NYC once again. Having two weeks at the end of august of no work, maybe going to cap cod with kathleens family.
I might journey back to wilkes-barre during that two weeks. I want to hang with my big brother and check up on that side of the family.
In other news the recent shit that's been laid upon my life and my loved one's lives is only good because I feel so bonded with my best friends. I feel super close to all of them right now and it is so nice to be sure of a few important people and things in life, even while so much is unstable and unpredictable.
I lost tons of weight this month and I'm not happy about it. I don't like change much at all, especially not with my body. MY BOOBS SHRUNK. ugh. I love curves and I'm losing what few curves I had. fuck fuck fuck.
Also, why do I get myself into the worst situations lately? Me and Kathleen always talk about what we find pefect in certain guys and I want to make note of some of these...
My perfect dude would be..
-someone that would never "do" their hair
-someone that isn't really hairy in general, yuck
-someone SILLY, and sorta mean, and sort of aggressive, but thoughtful
-someone with a good memory, that remembers little things
-a guy that will make fun of things about me, I love that
-someone that listens to alkaline trio, obv.
-someone that has a squishy body, not too many muscles.
-someone that isnt LAZY
-someone good in bed
-someone who makes plans
-someone that is always on time, and sticks to his word
-someone that has integrity and loyalty
-someone that isn't too involved with drinking and drugs
-oh, he can't wear flip flops ever, boys and flip flops suck. and girl jeans. that's a no.
-someone that is very independent
-someone that will do it with me in public places
-someone that will make efforts to love my friends
-someone that isn't moody
Also, I have been having wacky dreams lately, last night I had a dream I was holding kevin's hand and I got burned. Kelsey slept over and told me I grabbed her hand in bed in the middle of the night. hahahahahah sorry Kelsey.
Burning: To see something burning, indicates that you are experiencing some intense emotions and/or passionate sexual feelings. There is some situation or issue that you can no longer avoid and ignore.? Alternatively, it may suggests that you need to take time off for yourself and relax.
Since I'm still celebrating getting as basically full ride to college again, this is my schedule for the fall....
The Holocaust & Modern Genocides (6 credits)
History/Systems in Psychology
Experimental Psychology 1
The Psychology of Learning
I might also add on a Criminal Justice class, I miss those so much.
what else? my mom's second divorce is final. wooo another one bites the dust!
SAA BASHTON (1:36:11 PM): JONAS BROTHERS CONCERT TO SEE NICK JONAS AKA MY BOYFRIEND<3333333333333333333333>
olive and well (1:36:17 PM): you're a faggot
SAA BASHTON (1:36:24 PM): shut up i fucking love them i dont care
SAA BASHTON (1:36:28 PM): theyre beautiful
olive and well (1:36:42 PM): bring one home and marry his little boy self
SAA BASHTON (1:36:48 PM): I WILL
SAA BASHTON (1:36:52 PM): i bring you home one too