Friday, January 29, 2010

The only man for me.

This is kim's boyfriend's dog named ABE. he's the best because he thinks laying in my lap is the greatest thing ever. He's been staying at our house and it couldn't have come at a better time. He bites my ears and hair and burrows into my armpit. I love him. he's perfect

We regret to inform you...

My friend Kelsey is leaving for Uganda for three months. Most people do these things so they can have pictures with African babies that have bloated tummies or say "look at me I went to AFRICA" but Kelsey's efforts are rooted in a long time of research, understanding, and I'm assuming pure anger that these things go on so far away. I think she is 100% ready for this and strong enough to go somewhere and add to these people's lives in a positive way.  I hope she is safe and accomplishes what she is looking to do. I wish she got there and realized it wasn't as bad as she's been reading about but unfortuneatly the state of these children will probably be much worse than what she's read. I'm so lucky that I got to know her over the past few months and I can't wait for her to come back and enlighten me on everything she's seen.

In other news, I'm in a HORRIBLE mood and it's best I probably don't talk to many people over the next week. I got my first rejection from a doctoral program. It stung more than I thought it would but whatever now I'm used to the feeling.  What's most bringing me down is that my life is cut into two sections, one in Philadelphia and one in New York City, usually I love this because in Nyc I have school which is the most satisfying part of my life but....not this semester, this semester I am one of the smartest kids in all of my classes because I am taking classes that have primarily lower classmen.  I NEED to be in an environment where everyone around me is WAY smarter than me, I need to be overwhelmed by how behind I am and how little it is that I know. I need to be in graduate school.  I need to be around people that are so much more experienced than me in Psychology that I want to go out and read fifty books to catch up. Right now, school is not doing it for me.  My classes are just too unorganized and boring and full of stupid statements like "I think bail should be set by how much money the criminal already has" and people that try and talk to me about the death penalty but have never read anything on either side of the issue. Its such a disapointment. January needs to be over.

Also, in Hip Hop dance class I get enough laughs for the whole week considering I get graded on how well I can shake my ass for eight counts.  We just started learning a routine for this song.....

Also: there is a fucking puppy pit bull at my house and I can't wait to go kiss him as soon as I leave to get a bagel and coffee (I started drinking coffee, its insane)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Lobsterman's wife

Fuck the winter. I wish I could have a crystal ball to see into the future and have some sort of idea where my life will be after May.  I know wherever I live is going to have a desk and a huge bed. Those are priorities #1 and #2.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I wouldn't trade my hand for all the aces in the deck.

I read the book "Dear John" in about 20 hours. Such non-sense but so addicting. My heart broke into so many pieces. So I'm off all of Valentine's day weekend, how did that happen? John suggested we celebrate the holiday for us in June when its warmer. I agree. I want to sleep the whole weekend I think. I need to do laundry and actually get in school mode, I can't get excited when all of my professors tell me that prisoners can't be rehabilitated and look at me like I'm some idealistic hippie. So fuck that.

Monday, January 25, 2010

You've got the sort of hands to rip me apart

And you fasten my seat belt because it is the law
In your two ton death trap I finally saw
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget

There is room beneath your bed for me
There is room beneath your bed just for me
I will leave this town just to sleep underneath your bed
Just to sleep underneath your bed

Something tastes different, maybe it's my tongue
Something tastes different, suddenly I'm not so young

I'm just a stranger, even to myself
A re-arranger of the proverbial bookshelf
Don't be a fool girl, tell him you love him

I never thought I could love anyone but myself
Now I know I can't love anyone but you
You make me think that maybe I won't die alone
Maybe I won't die alone

I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink

So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like I watch from 6 feet under the soil

All I've been listening to for the last two days is Ingrid Michaelson's album Girls and Boys.

I had the best weekend. I feel that February will be a long month. That is okay. Debris is falling from the construction site of the tallest building in lower manhattan right now and me and Kathleen are trapped here at school or leave and risk getting nailed with a piece of metal. All of my dead ends building up from the past year have been chopped off and my hair looks somewhat healthy again. I bought my tickets for Alkaline Trio and seeing them has honestly become my Spring tradition. I am really excited to see shitty love movies such as "Valentine's Day" and "Dear John." As for the actual day, I'm working at the cafe but we're baking heart shaped chocolate chip scones so I'll just stuff myself with those and that will have to be enough.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Piss and Vinegar

Thank god new Alkaline Trio leaked.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Look where your hands are now.

This week I start my last semester of college. I’m terrified of senioritis over the next few months and the lack of invitations for interviews from graduate schools I’ll be receiving. I have so many annoying things to do this month such as buy books, fill out the FAFSA, and do my taxes. I wish all I ever did was go out for Mexican food with a few girls to hang out and lay in a huge comfy bed with John and pet a dog or two.

The other night John took me to STELLA in Philly where the personal pizza is like twenty bucks and everything is expensive. We ate fancy wearing band Tshirts, beanies, and jeans. It was amazing and then we went to the movies.

Earlier that day, for the first time ever, I saw a girl cardinal perched right next to a boy cardinal. It was seriously beautiful. They perched about a foot away from me while I was sitting on this staircase in Philadelphia. Then the male cardinal flew 100 yards and chirped to the girl and she chirped back at him. They were only with me for a few minutes but it really helped me start the year off right.

Maybe I read into signs too much.

I feel like New York is sucking the life out of me. I need a smaller place to be. I want to see my mother and sister more and I want a nicer book shelf and a bed that isn’t a mattress on the ground in a room without a window.

I love newspapers:

New York Times; Reliving Horror in a test for the Death Penalty
"they no longer have a right to exist in this society.”

New York Times; More Men Marrying Wealthier Women

"College-educated wives are less likely to have a husband who is college-educated"

AND: AM New York; Now She wears the Pants:

Both of those articles about successful women and the affects on marriage were published in the same day by different papers. Damn straight women wear the pants, and the dress, and look good underneathe all that too.
Also: this past week I made egg whites with peppers and avocado with blueberry/strawberry pancakes, toast, and smoothies with vanilla frozen yogurt for breakfast. The night before I marinated chicken in rosemary,bay leaves, spring veggies, and olive oil, cooked black beans and garlic rice with green beans for dinner. I'm getting so experimental with food. John would eat whatever, it's more fun for me to make huge meals, I think because I never had a family that ate together, or ever cooked FOR me. I always ate in my room or in the living room. The idea of dinner eaten together, made 100% by me (john washes dishes after), is something i want everyday. I love things that have a start, a middle, and an end productt. It's calming.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

all my wounds turned to gold when I kissed you

I'm so annoyed right now with so many people but NY State gives an automatic $600 bucks to people that make less than $13,000 a year. This year I made $12, 957. I JUST made the cut off for the tax return addition. THANK YOUUUUUUU.

I'm craving some burger king. ew.

I've had a shit job since I was 14. I really am itching for a real job, where all the effort I put into my education relates to what I'm doing and I can really establish myself in real work. I'm so sick of living paycheck to paycheck.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Now I've got a feeling, if I sang this loud enough, you would sing it back to me.

This past week was pretty simple. All I really did was work tons of shifts in the cafe (eating homemade soup and making my own mixtures of tea), braid my hair everyday, and spent almost two full gift cards on buying huge thick pairs of socks. Yesterday I walked around the MET with Lily and afterwards went to the Robes show at Pianos, it was the most fun I've had going out in so long. Kevin recommended some vitamins for my hair (its seriously falling out) and we caught up for awhile and its nice to know that it's unspoken how we'll just always care for one another. He's trying to get happy and figuring that out and I'm glad he seems to be on his way. I won't see John until the Title Fight show in Philly on the 14th and I'm seriously counting down the days I miss him so much.

a customer asked to take a photo of my tattoo while I was working and then she found me on facebook and sent me the picture. lol. I love how it's almost completely pink.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


I'm sick of shivering!! I miss summer.

Ps. 6 months time anniversary half year yay. Me and John celebrated by texting about naps, what we ate all day, juices, and him being a bunny and me being a racoon. The day before we got Honey's for breakfast and took long drives to salvation armys where I picked up four books for $3.15. One book written by economists called "The End of Poverty," one about Prison rape research, and two novels.

This Addiction

Holding my breath for everything to get bad.
Break was a whirlwind of never sleeping alone. I ate so much and slept so much and had zero responsibility. I took my first ever family portrait of my mother, my sister, and myself. Oh yeah, and our dog. John really spoiled me and bought me a Northface shell, a Sigg bottle that matches his, and gold hoops that say my name in cursive across them. Also, he gave me some really awesome Nike hiking boots for camping this summer. I got straight A's and saw awfulness in people that surprised me and goodness from people in moments when I didn't expect it. I can't recall a time I was so consistently happy. I think I realized that all the bad things lead me here, and for that I'm thankful. Sometimes I forget what real pain is. But like I said: Holding my breath for everything to get bad.
Did I mention that my favorite band is releasing a new record this year? Even though it's only like 5 songs so far I've seen "This Addiction" has me really pumped because its reminscient of "From Here to Infirmary" (freak/nerd status). Also, Matt Skiba (my man crush for the last 7 years) is doing a whole solo album due out summer of 2010. I'll just think of this as my graduation gift from Alkaline Trio. Thanks, guys.