Monday, May 31, 2010


As I sit here eating a pint of blueberries (the slightly pink ones are the best), my to-do list is vague. I hate that. I do need to write a letter though. And I"m sick of allergies. I'm sick of not being in school, I don't have much to say if I'm not in school. I wish I had money to buy new clothes and fun books and do whatever I wanted this summer. But I need to save for the new bills I have such as private health insurance and paying for a summer class out of pocket. This will all be part of the "sacrafice" I look back on when I have my degree right? ha.

It's when you start to dream about good things, that's when you should worry about death

best book, best movie

Saturday, May 29, 2010


A Short List:

I'm flat-minded lately
wine is my new favorite drink besides tequila
I want to go swimming and jump off something
I want to sleep outside
when does adjusting stop feeling temporary?
Big. enormous. bed.
Kelsey bought me a strawberry eclair at wegman's today for graduating college and I realized that was the only graduation gift I got.
Is it weird that I want walks down the street with you holding my bag of groceries for me for forever?

And I'm not sure if we belong here, if I ever really left, or If I can go home.

"He is the one that will turn to his friends and say, 'that's her.'”

We've been burned by all our fears.
Just from growing up around here.
Our father's factories marked our cars.
While Eden burned against the stars.

I was a boy in Grandma's arms.
A mother's pride and a wounded heart.
And I was full with fiery wonder.
You wore Audrey Hepburn pearls.
You were the only one who understood me then and the only one who will.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

be the cover when it's rough

I'm here. I still need to sort through about four garbage bags of clothing. But I'm finally in the same city as my grad school, my boyfriend, and many of my friends. Outside of my window a pit bull sits in his backyard and I've been looking at him constantly, I'm trying to figure out the perfect name for him. I miss Kathleen, and had a great night with Laura packing up and leaving new york city. It's weird to live here and have no more ties to the city i've lived in the last four years.

John moved everything on his own into the cargo van we rented, didn't need me to lift anything.

My knee is almost completely healed. I can finally start working.

Monday, May 24, 2010

letting it go

Show, icecream with the cutest family and twins, getting off crutches, wedding, angelos, fine arts fiesta, baking yummy cookies and making smoothies, phillies game, fighting and hating, loving and kissing.
I caught the bouquet at the wedding: fyi...I had my arms folded and stood in the back and it flew into my body, then I was assaulted by at least two girls and it was ripped RIPped away and shredded.
Now I'm back in new york to pack and cry and say bye to the couple of people I'm close to here and then off I move to another city.
Everything is really great. Except for the fact that grad school is costing me $800 a credit. ugh my stomach just turned doing all the math and adding everything up for the next five years. I have to go to school year round, nonstop, and start my dissertation in a year for it to be done within five years. barf.

dis·ser·ta·tion (dĭs'ər-tā'shən)
n. A lengthy, formal treatise, especially one written by a candidate for the doctoral degree at a university; a thesis.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I have nowhere else to be.

You were trying to kill me
With a hundred knives
You were trying to kill me
In my heart one hundred times

tatted on his chest

just a thought

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

top 5 saddest songs of all time.

i've always been someone who avoided goodbyes. I regret it when I hear that person's name in passing or make eye contact with them years later. I'll get used to the idea that it's not you. goodbye.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

almost walking...

I think it just hit me how amazing and bright my life has become in the last year.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day.

It wasn't always perfect but it was perfect. Companions through thick and thin and thinner and thinnest.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

i am the luckiest

For the last 24 hours I was totally confined to a wheel chair. I have some syndrome of the knee cap that has a really long name but whatever, I'm working my way up to crutches. Losing my independence is honestly driving me nuts and I'll be damned if I need two men to help lift me into a car ever again. The pain was so bad when my uncle picked me up out of bed that I needed to bite on a towel because I couldn't control myself from yelling "FUCK" or "NO" and my mom was affraid someone would hear me and call the cops. One day this will be funny.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

when you feel embarrassed, I'll be your pride.

So I completely cannot walk. Xrays, 7 hours waiting to see a doctor, ace bandages, painkillers, anti-inflamatory pills, knee just will not work for at least a few days. My thesis was approved though so I'm graduating in exactly a week. On the day I'm supposed to walk across the stage at Radio City Music Hall me and John are gonna walk around the city together "like we did when we first met" he said. haha.

I've never had a love like this. Its so mature and it's a real partnership. I called John crying yesterday because I totally fell apart at school and could not stand or walk on my own and he's the only person I don't feel like I'm inconveniencing when I call him crying. In my past relationships I was always loved, but I was always third priority or constantly expected to be strong because well, I normally am. John has this way of being sympathetic without being condescending and I can feel how he actually considers my pain his own pain and I am so lucky that in the midst of such horrible luck with my body (i need to do so much running around this week for finals and graduating) that I have someone that can say all the right things at exactly the right times.

tHANKGOd for kathleen basically carrying me home today. Crying in public is not something that I am really cool with doing. Now it looks like I'm home bound for at least two days until I can hopefully walk. Do i really need to talk about how awful, deplorable, ineffective, and tedious the "free" health care system is? Because as I was holding myself up with the registration counter at the clinic and they told me to come back in 8 hours. Tears pouring down my face because my foot had gone numb and the pain from my knee was shooting into my shin. 8 hours later a doctor saw me. whatver, nothing new.

A lil pitbull dog was walking by me while i was limping/crying trying to get to the train and he LICKED my knee for at least three minutes. cutest thing ever getting love from him. His owner was freaked out I think that I was just like sobbing/22 yrs old/holding a cane...

Saturday, May 1, 2010

there isn't anything that I need.

Yesterday I traveled to philly to sign my lease with Blair. Everything is happening. Then me and danielle and brianna and blair went to the hospital to visit miss kelsey and we all talked for two hours and it broke my heart to see her so exhausted and sick and uncomfortable. I cannot believe how much time I've wasted with people that do not appreciate me or have selective memory and never remember the good. Spontaneously we all walked into some tattoo spot and I figured since I'm moving to Philly I should welcome myself by FINALLY getting tattood there, it's the Elliott Smith tattoo I've been wanting for a while, everyone talked me out of getting it on my hand, thank god. It says "Either/Or" :my favorite album of his. You can't see it at all and its backwards because its a computer photo but you get the idea. Need to start throwing things out from my room. My uncle (who basically is my father figure) bought me a new desk and its waiting for me at home. Summer starts in one week. John's paintings are really coming together for his show and I love each one and wish I could buy all of them. Jess said she can probably get me a job at Fork etc... If only I had a cosigner for my loans and could for sure go to school and I didnt have a swollen face from allergies life would be perfect. I'm so exicted to get away for a weekend with John on the 14 and um, did I mention LINdsey o' brien is moving to philly too? Hi wtf too good. Brianna made brownies at 3 am for her man while we watched Match Point and they were the most perfect midnight snack.