One sidewalk May hide another, as when you're asleep there, and One song hide another song; a pounding upstairs Hide the beating of drums. One friend may hide another, you sit at the foot of a tree With one and when you get up to leave there is another Whom you'd have preferred to talk to all along. One teacher, One doctor, one ecstasy, one illness, one woman, one man May hide another. Pause to let the first one pass. You think, Now it is safe to cross and you are hit by the next one. It can be important To have waited at least a moment to see what was already there.
I chopped down the house that you had been saving to live in next summer. I am sorry, but it was morning, and I had nothing to do
Two rings on one finger, bare feet are the best feet. The last 24 hours have really slowed me down in my tracks. Its funny to see myself in moments when I'm totally speechless, when a situation overcomes me and the occurence of the event freezes my thinking. I remember when I spent a year like that, yesterday was different, it was the type of thing that was fast and made me feel the feeling you get when you forget to chew enough and you swallow too much and you choke for 2 1/2 seconds and for one of those seconds you're conviced you'll never breathe again.
I started my job. I've worked tons and it feels amazing. It's already mid-June. I hate north philadelphia and frankly, my current living situation is really annoying so I've been hiding out with my best friend and will probably couch surf/john's room surf for the next month. I kind of am mentally exhausted and in brooklyn withdrawl. It's strange to live here, I haven't fully adjusted. I love being close to so many good friends and John and I got my bike fixed and we went for a ride and he took me on the bike path by the river and it was perfect. Recently I've been in a strange mood. It's hard to articulate it. I'm excited to spend the whole weekend in wilkes-barre for an outdoor wedding. Lots of romper wearing and laziness after working all day for the last four days. I sort of need to catch my breath but I'm not sure why. I feel like I'm never alone anymore and that sort of overwhelms me. I was alone basically 85% of my days in NYC and moving again in a month is annoying. I hate feeling restless and reliant on things and people. My body is sore, I think it's because I experience stress physically since I constantly deny myself of reacting mentally to it.
At my wedding I don't want normal flowers, I want cacti, blooming cacti, short cacti, and tall cacti. The cactus is so underrated as a plant, it endures anything, it rarely needs anything from the person that owns it (just needs to be thought of once a week or less), and if you're lucky, it will bloom one huge flower for you. It doesn't waste it's time with a zillion little flowers. Just one or two big ones, bright, and they bloom in the desert, where flourishing life is almost impossible. I gave John a cactus the first month we were dating. It's little and in the kitchen and I named it "dusty." I think I want to identify with a cactus.
I also like cacti because they defend themselves in such a deadly, aggressive way, but only if you touch them. They sit still until they need to.
Sans Jeppy and Lindsey, last night really made me feel at home here. It's a good feeling that usually comes with people instead of the real place, I've been spending alot of time alone in my room to conserve money and it also makes me feel like if I stare at something long enough (my new bedroom) it will feel like mine and that it's here to stay (even though things are rarely here to stay). It's nice to feel supported and so welcomed and it's so nice that John can bike to my house at 3 am when I'm laying in bed and can't sleep.
As I sit here eating a pint of blueberries (the slightly pink ones are the best), my to-do list is vague. I hate that. I do need to write a letter though. And I"m sick of allergies. I'm sick of not being in school, I don't have much to say if I'm not in school. I wish I had money to buy new clothes and fun books and do whatever I wanted this summer. But I need to save for the new bills I have such as private health insurance and paying for a summer class out of pocket. This will all be part of the "sacrafice" I look back on when I have my degree right? ha.
I'm flat-minded lately wine is my new favorite drink besides tequila I want to go swimming and jump off something I want to sleep outside Blueberries when does adjusting stop feeling temporary? Big. enormous. bed. Kelsey bought me a strawberry eclair at wegman's today for graduating college and I realized that was the only graduation gift I got. Is it weird that I want walks down the street with you holding my bag of groceries for me for forever?
"He is the one that will turn to his friends and say, 'that's her.'”
We've been burned by all our fears. Just from growing up around here. Our father's factories marked our cars. While Eden burned against the stars.
I was a boy in Grandma's arms. A mother's pride and a wounded heart. And I was full with fiery wonder. You wore Audrey Hepburn pearls. You were the only one who understood me then and the only one who will.
I'm here. I still need to sort through about four garbage bags of clothing. But I'm finally in the same city as my grad school, my boyfriend, and many of my friends. Outside of my window a pit bull sits in his backyard and I've been looking at him constantly, I'm trying to figure out the perfect name for him. I miss Kathleen, and had a great night with Laura packing up and leaving new york city. It's weird to live here and have no more ties to the city i've lived in the last four years.
John moved everything on his own into the cargo van we rented, didn't need me to lift anything.
My knee is almost completely healed. I can finally start working.
Show, icecream with the cutest family and twins, getting off crutches, wedding, angelos, fine arts fiesta, baking yummy cookies and making smoothies, phillies game, fighting and hating, loving and kissing.
I caught the bouquet at the wedding: fyi...I had my arms folded and stood in the back and it flew into my body, then I was assaulted by at least two girls and it was ripped RIPped away and shredded.
Now I'm back in new york to pack and cry and say bye to the couple of people I'm close to here and then off I move to another city.
Everything is really great. Except for the fact that grad school is costing me $800 a credit. ugh my stomach just turned doing all the math and adding everything up for the next five years. I have to go to school year round, nonstop, and start my dissertation in a year for it to be done within five years. barf.
dis·ser·ta·tion (dĭs'ər-tā'shən) n. A lengthy, formal treatise, especially one written by a candidate for the doctoral degree at a university; a thesis.