Monday, October 27, 2008

at least i don't lie to myself like you do.

I turned 21.
This was one of the most amazing birthday's I've ever had.
The weirdo mix of gifts I got along with the 2 people that impressed me when they remembered, and the shock i got from some of the people that forgot, made this weekend perfect for me. Listening to your voicemail telling me that "you're too busy doing birthday thangs to talk to me, oldie" (i don't know why I thought he'd forget) and seeing who came to ny to see me and who didn't and realizing that I've been right all along. Falling in love on the subway with the most perfect boy and the crazy shit that happens to me an lily on the train at 5 am, at breakfast, and loving her more than life. I haven't felt more loved on a birthday ever before.

tattoo apointment
painting of a cardinal from matt (best gift)
olives with messags written on the jar
action figures holding cigs
male models in vans (from sagen of course)
a spider tattoo
a homemade buttercream berry jam cake with fresh flowers on it
vodka tonics with lime
all my fave foods in a bag
pretty letters
never sleeping
wearing a cocktail dress with sneakers
me and lily having opposite taste in boys
cookie dough
being drunk for literally three days
sagen giving me a makeover
makeup, dirt, seriously contimplating cutting all of my hair off.

i'm coming to wb this weekend. I can't wait to see my sister and my puppy and fall leaves and hug my mamma.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

carry on

Let's talk about guys of my past...

I dated him for about four years. the end was more on/off. He changed my life blah blah blah. We got married in the street. we've talked about the names of our kids, we corresponded with a notebook we'd each put entries in throughout our semi long distance relationship. He sang me to sleep, we went on trips together, he made me fall in love with new york city, he was the only boy i've ever let protect me, ever. He was my frist everything when it comes to sexual stuff, he's the first person I called when my dad went away to jail, we still talk about getting married one day,he still tells me he loves me more than i know, it just cant work right now for a while if ever at all. so we live our lives and sometimes we come crawling back. Told me to listen to "The luckiest" by Ben folds on our second date, it was how he felt. When I went away to college he wrote me a final entry in one of our notebooks telling me He'd love me uncondionally forever. Postcards from european tours, a picture of me as a little kid tacked up by his bed, "marieee mixes" #1-#24, him singing me elivs costello, fake flowers, he once ripped up 45 pieces of paper with notes of our words of our language of things he loved about me and snuck into my house and hid them all over my room. One in every cd, in my socks, in my bed. Music, alkaline trio, late night phone calls, telling me i'm perfect and he won't find that again.

Mike Hrom
One of the most amazing humans I've ever known. Smiling, all the time when i'm with him. So many good memories, I can call him crying whever and that dude would drop what he's doing to make sure I go to sleep happy. So positive. I still tell him everything, he gives the best advice. We had sex in the rain on a balcony by the ocean. Beat that.

He did the most wonderful thigns for me. So thoughtful. He called me "bubbi" so fucking cute. He showed me that a guy was capable of loving me again. Nights in his room listening to records. Amazing. Staying up late all the time, me always falling asleep him waking me up. Always holding my hand. Getting drunk together him pinching my face. Him drawing me all the time. drawing me naked. Him fighting for me. Most amazing blue eyes.

hahaha. crazy dates on the roofs of apartments we snuck into. Him coming to my dorm after skating and me giving him fruit and snacks at 8 am. Going to his skate prenmeire Him moving away. Him taking me to the christmas tree on wall street. Taking his virginity haha.

Being in his car, listening to the Into the wild soundtrack, singing cat power to keith while keith was passed out. Making up our own words. Never ever being cold around him, ever. Crazy texts liek "i'm high on a bus" or "DO YOU LIKE CHICKIN WANGS" staying up till 7 in the morning laying in bed making out falling asleep finally, breakfasts across the street. "mall grab" Keith calling couch us sleeping on a shitty little chair, him getting arrested, hiM always PEEING IN PUBLIC.

Always sleeping with a heating blanket, barfing out of his window. so many dinners cooked together, being lucky. watching movies, takign all of his clothes, sour patch kids in movies, bikes, him going on tours, telling me about mtv interviews, goign to his shows him doing secret hand signs on stage to me, him telling me i was beautiful everyday. him getting me breakfast before i even woke up, him coming to wb to meet my mom, driving him touching my cheeks to wake me up when i fell asleep. his feet always being cold, his freckles on his eyes, him loving my butt, sharing everything, burts bees shampoo, tatoos, him swimming the tubs when it was 45 degrees, skin turning red, fooling around in the woods.

That was fun, it always ends. I still talk to nearly all of those dudes. I'm finally for once free of the first one that took me so horribly long to get over and now I'm looking forward. I'm finally ready to give 100% of myself to a person. I've been holding back for the last two years because of my first love, which is why I ended it with most of those dudes i just mentioned.

Now, It's hard to know that someone out there exists that you totally can imagine yourself falling for whole heartedly and being with but it is just too hard because of long distances. fuck money, fuck time, fuck this time of year, fuck .

Monday, October 20, 2008

i'm gonna take the $30.00 check my born-again christian part of my family sent me for my birthday and go buy porn and weed.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Got Done Fuckin A Man Now This Bird Is Callin Me Screamin

Niggaz, Dont Fuckin Call Me Baby Like Im Related To Weezy
Some Of 'Em Call Me R, None Of Them Call Me Easy
I Dont Fall In Love With Them, Come And then Im Done With Them

-Remy ma fucking rules.

I keep chain smoking drinking mint berry iced tea i made sitting in my messy room.

then i gotta do laundry
tonight I'm going out with sagen and some magicians
i hope they turn the $$ debt i have into pancakes.

you know what you are to me
don't make me say it over and over again
it's way too late
or much too early
you know how I get
when I'm left alone to my vices
like the grown-ups did when I was a kid

I said: I'm a bird in your hand so take me as I am

you know what you are to me
don't make me say it over and over again
my left hand, a part of me
it stays late to clean up my mess
when I'm sick of all my choices
like the grown-ups I grew up with

Monday, October 13, 2008

I know you're there, I wish you'd talk.

I have a nasty cough.
This morning I was on the train really early in the morning. It's freezing and dark outside when I go to work and I get on the train with this girl, we're alone in the car and a guy gets on the train and like has a hole cut in his pants so that when he sits across from people he exposes his entire package. He sat across from me and this girl and stared at us while his dick was hanging out. She started to cry, we both got up together and moved, he followed and sat across from us again, I got up to leave to get off at the next possible stop because i literally thought i was gonna puke all over myself. I felt sad leaving her alone with him I thought about her all day. I hate when people make me feel powerless.

Sometimes I think about how much mind power it takes me to get up and actually accomplish the shit I need to get done and how usually I just want to lay in bed listening to the same 20 songs over and over and not speak to anyone. the world is seroiusly fucked up, and for the last few years I've been obsessed with saving it, even debating for sex offender RIGHTS in a class becuase I think everyone deserves a second chance, no one can be totally evil, everyone is a product of someone else who failed them. but right now, i'm not so sure. I think the world is truely fucked. Maybe I can't help anyone, maybe I won't do any good. Maybe this is growing up.

I want thanksgiving dinner, my dog on my couch, and a really good birthday.

My clothes all smell bad, I have a doctors apointment about my heart tomorrow. Something i've been avoiding for 2 years, I hope they dont tell me i need surgery or some shit. It can't happen, I haven't got the money or the will to put up with being in the hospital or dealing with doctors.

Last year on my birthday I had such an amazing party and Kev drove in a shitty van to New york with a huge poster of coney island. I saw him the other day, It's amazing when you look at one of your exes, especially someone you had such an impossible time getting over, and you just look at that peson and realize that you are not attracted to them in the least bit. It puts a smile on my face. Nice to see you, you still make me nervous and still know how to say the things that hit the hardest and you still know how to make fun of me better than anyone but I'm glad I don't know you right now, it would ruin my memory of you.

I have a new painting in the works. It's for Lily. I love her more than life.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

IPOD shuffle feature

So the mornings are usually hard for me. I'm ususally up when it is still dark and I'm usually bummed on something or other.

On my IPOD i have an mp3 that my ex boyfriend Kevin made me, it's a recording of him telling me that he loves me for one of our zillions of anniversaries. Now this mp3 is whatever, I actually forgot it was even on my ipod. Until...the one morning I was particularly down in the dumps and looking out the window as the train went over the bridge into manhattan and I absolutely never use shuffle because it's really annoying I think, so my IPOD was on shuffle this morning and i'm looking out the window and then I suddenly hear his voice saying "hey nik, it's me, just telling you I love you so much, our two year anniversary" It's like my ipod knew I needed to hear that or something. I didn't cry or want to die or even miss him that much. I was just glad to hear a little artifact from how my life used to be and the only person I've ever known inside-out.

I want that feeling again one day.
I'm fed up of trying.
I think I'll give up for awhile. Maybe you do only fall in love once. True love is maybe just a one time thing and too good to happen again.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Monday, October 6, 2008

The place that i'm from doesnt exist anymore.

A list of songs that I am obsessed with lately...

Bayside - Just to See you Smile
Mirah - 100 Knives
Blink-182 - Down
Alkaline Trio - 97'
Transit - Rules of Nines
Immortal Technique - Point of No Return
Elliott Smith - Thirteen
Alkaline Trio - Help me (acoustic)
Beck - Everybody's gotta learn sometime
Boilermaker - White wash
Breakdown - Sick People
Broken Social Scene - Swimmers
Tuesday - Sixty-Eight
Underdog - Friend like them (demo version)
Jeru the Damaja - 99.9%

Seriously nothing else but this list and like the New Moon album by Elliott Smith on repeat over and over.


This older man comes into the cafe first every morning for coffee and he is this adorable older man construction worker with like dirt all over his face and I usually am disgusted by older men but he's so sweet and calls me "pretty nikki" in a non-weird way and I decided I'd like to marry a man like that one day. He's totally wonderfully simple. I like simple people, because I wish I was more simple I guess.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

fuck you

A few rules I live by:

Never totally say goodbye
Brush your teeth in the morning, it feels like a shower
Have sex as much as possible, it's really good for you.
Be good at keeping in touch with the people that matter
Don't get surprised when people let you down.
Always keep things ahead of you to look forward to
Never live with a guy until you're like about to pop out his kids.
Listen to Hip Hop when sad
Never doubt the effects of a good fucking meal
If nothing makes you feel better, get a tattoo
Homesickness is temporary and situational, don't forget why you moved away
Always fight back
Never count the cost.
Drugs and drinking aren't that great
Things happen for a reason
This too shall pass.

and never "confuse the lower point with the lowest point"

Saturday, October 4, 2008

I'll be yellow, you be red.

Let's talk about how all you need in life is to sit on the couch with Kathleen and watch sisterhood of the traveling pants and sob.

Got some new clothes.
Gonna go to the movies tomorrow alone maybe.

Fuck. Last night was crazy.

I miss august.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Facing forwards going slowly

Today I had like a 12 hour day. I'm so sleepy.
I love you New York

Time to study research methods and chain smoke while listening to Either/Or.
Lily gave me a haircut, it's precious.
I still have some canvas left. I think I'll paint something new. I haven't in a while and I've got some good ideas. Today I listened to really weird music. Music from when I was little, music I found in my trunk when I was getting out my winter jackets, old mixes with birds drawn all over them, those who fear tomorrow is so fucking good. Also, I want to just go on a date. I hope my birthday this year is as good as last years. Best surprises, best pie, bestfriends. One more thing, I need to get a knife.

Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later
I could be another fool or an exception to the rule
You tell me the morning after

Crooked spin can't come to rest
I'm damaged bad at best
She'll decide what she wants
I'll probably be the last to know
No one says it 'til it shows
See how it is, they want you or they don't
Say yes

leenie 7 131 82 (11:57:23 PM): hes so mean
olive and well (11:57:46 PM): i wish i could make a boat
olive and well (11:57:51 PM): and put like about 10 people
olive and well (11:57:55 PM): on it and send it to no mans land