Tuesday, October 21, 2008

carry on

Let's talk about guys of my past...

I dated him for about four years. the end was more on/off. He changed my life blah blah blah. We got married in the street. we've talked about the names of our kids, we corresponded with a notebook we'd each put entries in throughout our semi long distance relationship. He sang me to sleep, we went on trips together, he made me fall in love with new york city, he was the only boy i've ever let protect me, ever. He was my frist everything when it comes to sexual stuff, he's the first person I called when my dad went away to jail, we still talk about getting married one day,he still tells me he loves me more than i know, it just cant work right now for a while if ever at all. so we live our lives and sometimes we come crawling back. Told me to listen to "The luckiest" by Ben folds on our second date, it was how he felt. When I went away to college he wrote me a final entry in one of our notebooks telling me He'd love me uncondionally forever. Postcards from european tours, a picture of me as a little kid tacked up by his bed, "marieee mixes" #1-#24, him singing me elivs costello, fake flowers, he once ripped up 45 pieces of paper with notes of our words of our language of things he loved about me and snuck into my house and hid them all over my room. One in every cd, in my socks, in my bed. Music, alkaline trio, late night phone calls, telling me i'm perfect and he won't find that again.

Mike Hrom
One of the most amazing humans I've ever known. Smiling, all the time when i'm with him. So many good memories, I can call him crying whever and that dude would drop what he's doing to make sure I go to sleep happy. So positive. I still tell him everything, he gives the best advice. We had sex in the rain on a balcony by the ocean. Beat that.

He did the most wonderful thigns for me. So thoughtful. He called me "bubbi" so fucking cute. He showed me that a guy was capable of loving me again. Nights in his room listening to records. Amazing. Staying up late all the time, me always falling asleep him waking me up. Always holding my hand. Getting drunk together him pinching my face. Him drawing me all the time. drawing me naked. Him fighting for me. Most amazing blue eyes.

hahaha. crazy dates on the roofs of apartments we snuck into. Him coming to my dorm after skating and me giving him fruit and snacks at 8 am. Going to his skate prenmeire Him moving away. Him taking me to the christmas tree on wall street. Taking his virginity haha.

Being in his car, listening to the Into the wild soundtrack, singing cat power to keith while keith was passed out. Making up our own words. Never ever being cold around him, ever. Crazy texts liek "i'm high on a bus" or "DO YOU LIKE CHICKIN WANGS" staying up till 7 in the morning laying in bed making out falling asleep finally, breakfasts across the street. "mall grab" Keith calling couch us sleeping on a shitty little chair, him getting arrested, hiM always PEEING IN PUBLIC.

Always sleeping with a heating blanket, barfing out of his window. so many dinners cooked together, being lucky. watching movies, takign all of his clothes, sour patch kids in movies, bikes, him going on tours, telling me about mtv interviews, goign to his shows him doing secret hand signs on stage to me, him telling me i was beautiful everyday. him getting me breakfast before i even woke up, him coming to wb to meet my mom, driving him touching my cheeks to wake me up when i fell asleep. his feet always being cold, his freckles on his eyes, him loving my butt, sharing everything, burts bees shampoo, tatoos, him swimming the tubs when it was 45 degrees, skin turning red, fooling around in the woods.

That was fun, it always ends. I still talk to nearly all of those dudes. I'm finally for once free of the first one that took me so horribly long to get over and now I'm looking forward. I'm finally ready to give 100% of myself to a person. I've been holding back for the last two years because of my first love, which is why I ended it with most of those dudes i just mentioned.

Now, It's hard to know that someone out there exists that you totally can imagine yourself falling for whole heartedly and being with but it is just too hard because of long distances. fuck money, fuck time, fuck this time of year, fuck .

1 comment:

danielle said...

god damn. i'm still holding back. fuck.