I know you're there, I wish you'd talk.

I have a nasty cough.
This morning I was on the train really early in the morning. It's freezing and dark outside when I go to work and I get on the train with this girl, we're alone in the car and a guy gets on the train and like has a hole cut in his pants so that when he sits across from people he exposes his entire package. He sat across from me and this girl and stared at us while his dick was hanging out. She started to cry, we both got up together and moved, he followed and sat across from us again, I got up to leave to get off at the next possible stop because i literally thought i was gonna puke all over myself. I felt sad leaving her alone with him I thought about her all day. I hate when people make me feel powerless.

Sometimes I think about how much mind power it takes me to get up and actually accomplish the shit I need to get done and how usually I just want to lay in bed listening to the same 20 songs over and over and not speak to anyone. the world is seroiusly fucked up, and for the last few years I've been obsessed with saving it, even debating for sex offender RIGHTS in a class becuase I think everyone deserves a second chance, no one can be totally evil, everyone is a product of someone else who failed them. but right now, i'm not so sure. I think the world is truely fucked. Maybe I can't help anyone, maybe I won't do any good. Maybe this is growing up.

I want thanksgiving dinner, my dog on my couch, and a really good birthday.

My clothes all smell bad, I have a doctors apointment about my heart tomorrow. Something i've been avoiding for 2 years, I hope they dont tell me i need surgery or some shit. It can't happen, I haven't got the money or the will to put up with being in the hospital or dealing with doctors.


Last year on my birthday I had such an amazing party and Kev drove in a shitty van to New york with a huge poster of coney island. I saw him the other day, It's amazing when you look at one of your exes, especially someone you had such an impossible time getting over, and you just look at that peson and realize that you are not attracted to them in the least bit. It puts a smile on my face. Nice to see you, you still make me nervous and still know how to say the things that hit the hardest and you still know how to make fun of me better than anyone but I'm glad I don't know you right now, it would ruin my memory of you.

I have a new painting in the works. It's for Lily. I love her more than life.