Wednesday, November 19, 2008

i'm sorry that you're dead and i'm angry with a corpse.

Something crazy happened.

All of my friends, and probably the people that read this, whoever it is, all know that I love sex. Sex is number one on the small list of vices that I have. And no, that doesnt mean I have one night stands and tons of casual sex. My usual operation is to find a dude i'm friends with to sleep with on the regular. Last night, a dude I have a teeny crush on who is smart, together, funny, and all around nice slept over and I didn't really do anything. that's not the weird part, the weird part is I didn't even have to hold myself back. I didn't even WANT to have sex or do anything. It was so incredibly foriegn that I was laying right next to a dude i'm attracted to for like 8 hours and didn't feel compelled to do much at all.

what does this mean? I'm scared now I think. I don't want to like anyone because it usually ends before it even really begins and him being older I think made me freaked out because he's not my normal choice of stupid young guy that I can easily get. Like normally i'm in this rush to get to know people, I want to know everything about everyoen and I was not myself last night. I didn't ask fifty million questions or try at all. I hate this new apathetic way I go about things. Maybe I'm just hurt from everything leading up to this month and I feel alone and tired and am settling into that feeling. Maybe the thought of someone touching me again in a sexual way just scares me. Sometimes I think that since i had a boyfriend my entire dating age childhood part of my life that nows the time that I do things that young girls normally do; trust the wrong guys, date around casually, get fucked over, learn what they dont want. It all bogs me down frankly and boys are no fun to me anymore. I don't have a light attitude towards sex, liking someone, and boyfriends in general. I want it back, hopefully it comes back soon.

In the morning after the guy got up and left for work I laid back in bed and who calls me? Kevin. Typical. How does he always know.

I have so much work to do for school it's literally sickening.

Lately listening to:

Lauren Adams
Dillinger Four
Matt and Isom
Bob Dylan
Cold World

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