great expectations

I have this rush of feeling that my dad is going to die when I'm young. When I picture myself at his funeral, I look the same age as I do now. I feel relieved at the funeral. I think about him alot when my life is about to change. I think because he made me learn since I was about 6 that change meant something either bad was happening to me, my mother, or my sister. Sometimes I think that I was way more adaptive with pain then, I just spent alot of time alone and would listen to the noises in my house and try to remember them, even if they were bad. I listen to people talk about the house they grew up in and how when they are in it they think of such happy moments and I wish my place like that was a house. My place like that exists in the backyard of this one particular house I lived in for a bit of my life. When I was about six all I wanted was a swingset and my dad wouldnt buy it for me, no one would ever get me this stupid blue and red swingset I was in love with, I think he even laughed when I asked him. It was one hundred dollars and I saved up for it and bought it for myself. Its gone now, taken out of the ground...but the holes from where it used to be planted into the ground still exist. Four deep holes. I stared at them the last time I was there and remembered one of the first times in life when I realized I could do it all alone. That being without help, or "helpless", is, and will always be, totally fine with me.

If as a little girl I could create moments of a happy child-hood for myself, I definitely can as a I continue to become an adult. In eight months I'll be 23, all I know is never in my life have I wanted to crawl in bed with my mom in the middle of the night more. I'm definitely happy. Life is finally paying me back, I still have alot of work ahead, as well as obstacles, but I'm really falling in love with the idea that life can be really good.

Steamed carrots and spinach with pasta for dinner, a banana chocolate chip muffin and asian pear for dessert.