kiss her on the teeth

Love.


I thought that this was honestly the only emotion I was ever sure I'd felt. Blh blah blah it's confusing. But honestly after about 7 years of dating/loving/hating I've come up with this...

Love:

love is when I look at your horoscope every day before i read mine just to see what your day might be like, so i feel like I might know even a snippet of your life.



I've come to the conclusion that I won't be dating anyone legit for awhile. Everyone is a waste of time and quite frankly, I'm not even in the shape to be totally open/energetic/accepting of another person to be meeting people. Not like I meet people worth my time anyways. I just feel like this past year gave a big "fuck you" to my view of love and dating. so fuck that. its weird to look at people that you've been so fucking next level intimate with (i'm not talking about sex) and waving hello is just enough. or seeing they're new shitty look isnt working for them haha, or seeing them touch another girl, or having them touch you. It's all weird. I wasn't taught how to deal with it well. I was basically raised in a house of women. When I lived with my dad I'd sleep with his clothes to feel safe because he was always gone in the middle of the night. Now that I'm not 8 and can't sneak into his closet and steal his tshirts to lay with, what do I use to feel safe? Now it's mostly nothing, some friends, an unstable outlook for the future? It'll happen, it'll come together. I'm a pretty miserable person, but nothing has ever EVER taken away my hope for things to be better. If i lost that I'd honestly finish myself off


moving on...

Spring is coming. that means stressful tests, moving, having no money, wanting tons of clothes, and riding bikes.

kinda sorta

I want to go on a date.
I want San Loco nachos
I want Summer
I want gazillions of dollas
I want naps naps naps all day erreyday.

If my heart is made out of gold than why does it feel like I’m here all alone

Hi. I've liked sneakers for a bit now. I have a bunch but I've always ALWAYS wanted this certain pair, it's been sold out/not available for years and this is them my elusive first loves of sneakers....

kinda girly/corny but what can i say...

I'm pretty into this NEW new found glory album.
I miss alot of people right now.
I have to go to 34th street and I hate that shitty area. I feel like I'm an amusement park. IMA GET PINKBERRY MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

ANYONE WANNA BUY ME THOSE SNEAKS? SNEAK AROUND IN SOME SNEEEKZ

You were the first real choice I would make

I don't want to go into manhattan and print out 34568842689 pages of bullshit I have to read. I went to phila this weekend it was fun I spent a ballsack amount of money and had a really good time. I have to go pay my rent now to my landlord, Ray, who has always been amazing the freaks that live upstairs are playing really weird music and playing DDR above me so I'm laughing alone in my room right now. It's gorgeous outside and I want to go to coney island and I want cheese fries and lemonade. It's valentines day soon and I think I'll buy myself daisies and get pinkberry. I don't know why i'm so tired lately. i just ate a 2 day old brownie. I wish everyone I liked lived in one place.

time to stop being a lazy bum.

Highlights of Philly trip:

Lily introduced me to a song by alkaline trio i'd never heard, it's AMAZING.
mini vacation
first nice weather in so long
harry
meeting new people
seeing tigers jaw
lily/rashi/uriah living room
WAWA (new york you gotta get into this place)
getting some much needed long distance love from one of my bff
I saw a cardinal on the walk to work that friday morning before I left, it was on a staircase!!
WALKS

"He's Just Not That Into You" was sorta disapointing, the book was better and it took less time for me to read it than to watch this movie.


Time to make my bed a fortress of comfort heaven and

It's so easy baby

Loner lifestyle.

This post will be about NYC.

I think sometimes people question the effortlessness of my major move from the only place I've ever been to the most populated city in America. I moved to New York City when I was eighteen. I've lived here for almost 3 years and It was hands down the best decision of my life. Why was it so easy? Because I wanted a new family a new home and to feel small. Feeling small was a very big part of it. I like that here, and only here, I can disappear and mean nothing, to no one. Do you know how much of a relief that is? It's changed me in many ways. Sometimes when I go back to wb I do things because I'm so used to living in a place where no one cares about anything especially about what I say and do and look like. I shouldn't give people dirty looks whenever I feel like it and I shouldnt just yell at whoever. ha. Okay so back to the point...New York seriously saved me. I can't believe I considdred living in Philadelphia, besides the fact that it's the #1 WB drop off point of every kid my age, I couldnt live there because my ex boyfriend of years moved there. My life would be very different today If i moved there essentially with him. I'm glad I didn't, I'd probably be the same dependent girl, lacking in self validation totally and really fucking unhappy. I like saying "yes, I DID THIS" I became totally self sufficient, I've me the most ridiculous people and have really struggled alot. Nothign is shocking to me anymore, I've seen people virtually dying on the street, extreme homelessness, random acts of violence, sexual assault, the relationships of people of EVERY ethnicity play out in front of me, and it's been quite a trip. I will live here for easily 10 years and can't imagine anywhere else being worth my time. My days consist of mostly me going to and from places alone, listening to my IPOD. Having a staring war or smiling at a little boy on the train for 20 minutes when he and I can't even speak eachother's languages is the shit I live for. I feel like I belong here more than anywhere else. Also, where else can I walk down the street in a full winter jacket, scarf, hat and have only my eyes peaking out because of the wind and have a man look at me and say "You're fucking beautiful" hahhahahahhaha.

So the answer is no, I will never look back, I will never move back,and yes, when you want something bad enough anything is possible. ANYTHING. If i lost my job tomorrow and was faced with the option of moving home, it would never I MEAN NEVER happen, I'd live in a box and drink my own urine if it meant living in an environment that makes me totally happpy and satisfied.

I know it's weird I just up and moved, especially when I've never even been on a plane or spent the night in another state than PA my whole childhood. I'm independent minded, always have been, leaving isnt hard when you are walking towards so much good.



ignore the video. listen to this blink cover, by my man dan from alk3.

i'm kickkkkkkkking fiercely at the world around meeeeeeeeeeeeee

She took him to the lake

In between class today I went to B&N and picked up two book gems.




Hi I love you already.






I know, I know. I'm sort of humiliated that I would even glance at this book seriously but I skimmed it and thought I'd give it a try. Well I was embarrassed buying it too but at least it was paired with my Criminal of Poverty book that has a little more substace....SO I GET the book in my hands and start reading. My mind was blown the HUGE dating mistakes i'm guilty of were thrown in my face and I honestly can say i'm a changed woman. No more wondering. If a guy i'm into is making me wonder, then he probably is just not that into me. I then go on to read all night through my STATISTICS class, on the train, and finsih it at home tonight. Here are some key quotes:

"So if a guy you're dating doesn't call when he says he's going to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a man who's at least as good as his word"

"No answer IS your answer"

"Don't waste the pretty"


And just a general idea...that men will go after what they want, intensely, and if he's not going after it that hard, he's just not that into you.




In OTHER NEWS:

I took my first boxing class. I'm hooked. Punching guys and doing pushups on medicine balls and being light on your toes...amazing. Hey, I'm not having sex, I'm not being very aggressive at all lately, I need SOMETHIGN to get out the energy besides baking cupcakes and learning about social stereotypes/prisons/psychology experiments and being on time for everything.

I'm seriously considerig buying my own pair of gloves. Thought about baby pink but then i saw some with zebra stripes sooo.... i dunno.




i'm addicted to iced tea and my ipod. I submitted another poem for my poetry workshop class. I have to read it out loud. Here it is. I acutally like it.

Dusty Martini

The Vodka on the table
smells like the sour part of apple skin
and the sweet of gasoline

bracelets are like rings of bone
dipping up and down your arm
as you speak with your hands

my fondest memories of my grandmother
are dirty pearls
looking like old teeth in the soap dish

she is a porcelain log in such a dead forest




I sleep really hard lately.
I don't want to go to work


here's some of the song i'm listening to right now....

I'm awake
It was a half bad dream
That was way too long
My whole life it seemed
That someone started digging me up
Turned my headstone into dust

The sun was swallowed by the trees
The night was here for good
You pulled my hand and my head up
You put oxygen into my blood
You walked me through the gates like we were visitors for the day
You laid me down in the back seat
And you drove till I woke up to hear you say

You never lie but it's no fun to tell the truth
I guess I never loved but I will see what I can do
Got so much life to waste that I would take my days and hand them to you

Here I am, So do this with me.

A few things...

Every semester these are things that annoy me about the start of new classes:

-When teachers ALWAYS say "there are no stupid questions" (thanks i'm 12?)
-When students in the class talk SO FUCKING QUIETLY..like TALK OR DON'T TALK DONT INBETWEEN MUMBLE LOOK DOWN JESUS.
-THE FUCKED UP ARRANGEMENT OF ROOMS IN PACE UNIVERSITY
-HOW IT'S EITHER REALLY FUCKING COLD OR BALLS HOT IN THE ROOMS. NO INBETWEEN.
-there's no clocks in the rooms WTF.
-Professors love wasting your time with shitty anecdotes...WHY?

I started school, overview of classes;

Statistics: easy A, my professor is 24 and looks like willsmiith/barack mix and we have already thrown sexual inuendos at eachother.

Sex and Nation Building: Very dynamic group of kids in my class, the professor has the "mouth of a sailor" and she treats us like real adults. Hopefully this is my favorite class. She basically began class with "I'm gonna say things like vagina and penis..."

Experimental Psych II : This is just me getting a green light from the government to test human subjects with my study (which is really shaping up by the way). Also, the professor for this class is the one that adopted me to her own personal publishable studies (and I get paid to help her).


Public Speaking: My professor legit looks like a clown and everyone is a freshman because it's a required course that i've put off until almost my senior year. So that means it'll be a breeze.

Poetry for Enjoyment: This professor loves me and if I can get over the stuffy poet black dye job urban outfitters girls then i'll be fine. I almost barfed on the first day when one proceeded to say "I think this poem is about EmOtIoN"

In other news. For the first complete moment, I believe in Obama. After reading this...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090123/ap_on_go_pr_wh/terror_orders

this is incredibly important to me (obviously) due to the whole fact that i'm obsessed with prison reform in general...but this is EXTRA close to home because while working on my Honors thesis I read tons and tons about secret CIA torture prisons and i'm so glad that he's without question bringing these ridiculous places to extinction.



AS FOR my personal life I'm kinda cranky/tired/lazy. I feel like this week I've been going through the motions and I never even LOOK nice anymore. I wake up, throw on jordans and some tshirt, no bra, and really dirty jeans everyday. I live off of the organic homemade soups at my work and cupcakes and tea. Tomorrow I travel on a train to Long Island to see Title Fight because it'll feel really good to get to another part of the city and see some kids and go to a GOOD show. I recently saw Pissed Jeans two blocks from my house the other night after Alan texted me and told me Fucked up was playing and then I looked up the show and read that Pissed Jeans was also playing...sooooo blah blah I go and bring a sandwich and a water, everyone was so drunk and then I ran into my ex boyfriend and it was surprisingly painless and pleasant. After pissed jeans I bounced because I was tired as usual. Why do I miss my mom so much lately? I want a tropical vacation. I've been listening to alot of Buddy Holly lately and Keyshia Cole. Also some Ryan Adams to walk to the train early in the morning when it's still dark before I open the cafe.

Tell me something fucking good