cringe

"And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I love your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your face and hold your hand and go for a walk and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy's and talk about the day or talk about your day and and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don't listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you're sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep in for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your tits your arse your...

and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you're late and be amazed when you're early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance and be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you're angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face and tell you you're gorgeous and hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand how you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you and wonder who you are but i accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don't believe me and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don't want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it's empty without you and want want you want and think I'm losing myself but know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less and answer your questions when I'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really dont' want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it's all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it's a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and have sex with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you."


that's all I have to say right now.
Goodbye July. you fucking sucked.

so fucking bad, it's funny.

"Kill all Fags"

So this past week proved to be hilerious. actually all of July was like one huge fucking joke. went to philly, super excited to leave NY, not talk to my family, and not deal with bills, thoughts of the future, or cleaning up my father's messes. I guess when you TRY to avoid the bad, it follows you.

I get to PHiladelphia, meet up with lily, and after some good breakfasts, went on a super rainy bike ride, then we left for Richmond, Virginia. Our bus made us transfer in Washington, DC which is the worst place i've ever been in my entire life. My good friend bobby was chilling with a girl so i told him we were only stuck there for a few hours and I'd just see him another time. Lily ate the shittiest burrito ever and we sat on the ground and i chainsmoked and we made fun of every yuppie couple that walked by. We climb aboard another fucking bus and I had to stop Lily from killing a baby

Finally, we get to Richmond.

Richmond:

-made me realize I never want to live in a small town that's called "a city" ever again

-the southern accents were subtle and cute

-I ate so many pancakes with nachos and It's the best combo ever

-The James river is serisuly wonderful and even though I only swam in it once, it was a cool fucking spot.

We pulled into this place, met up with the boys we would be staying with. ....

EPIPHANY::: Boys from the ages of 17-19 are only good when they aren't together. It was really good for me to be around them because it made me so thankful that I grew out of the stage of constantly needing negative attention. It gets hard to be around people when so much of their persona is an act. Things progressively went down hill, until so bad that me and lily would get in these laughing phases where it was SO BAD we'd just laugh. When it was at it's worst, I got a call from my exboyfriend while he was on tour, it was perfect timing, he has been my best friend for almost 6 years, It's nice when the people that know you best have a spidey sense of when you need to hear something good. We had a nice phone chat while I was in a fucking rage about the events of the weekend. So nice to hear his voice, so nice to talk to someone that barely needs to hear me speak to know when somethign is wrong.

I realized that lately I'm looking for good things in all the wrong places.

When things go bad in most girls lives they dye their hair or go shopping, I get tattoos. I got TWO while in Richmond.

I'm so thankful that I went through this weekend with Lily, I do not know what I would have done. Richmond is such a charming place, I met a few wonderful kids, but I am seriously depressed. On the 2 buses, one car, and like 5 subways it took to get me back to Brooklyn, NY, I had to hold back actually crying a few times (i'm not big on crying), maybe it was the new conor oberst I stole from Lily's Itunes, or the live version of "sorry about that" I was listening to over and over, but I seriously feel empty and I don't like it. July was a nightmare. I haven't spoken to my father since the fourth, I've been wasting money, and worst of all I've been way too trusting of new people.

I got to clear my had at least while in RVA, I didn't use my phone much, didn't really speak to anyone much. I'm kind of stuck. I like my future but I feel like I'm getting to much shit that I do not deserve lately. I hate this age, I hate this month.

But august is my favorite month of the year, and every year in august the best shit happens. EVERYTHING happens in august, everything you should have been doing all summer comes up then. Can't wait to meet you August. Please be good to me.

don't forget to let your life rot you inside-out.

Ps. Revenge is so wonderful.

cold world motherfuckers wilkes-barre mother fuckers

LET'S TALK ABOUT:



How intimate PEDICURES are.



SO i've had one of these things before, but today kathleen and amy got them and felt left out so i got on the chair and I sereiuosly forgot how IN YOUR FACE your body is with these absolute strangers. This woman was like rubbing my legs and ankles and it felt fucking good but super weird and I kept pulling away and she'd like look at me like I was some crazy freak and pull me by the ankle closer to her. Part of it was painful too. I dont like nailpolish colors so i just got "nude" aka off white. No one speaks and I read a magazine about celebs and talked with girls about HALF-WAY sex...the kind where you basically have sex and then you decide it's a bad idea and you're completely naked but don't do it...I had no idea that was real until I moved to ny. I either have sex, or I don't. Dry humping was the shit in 9th grade though. Half sex exists in NYC. half sex half sex half sex half sex



ALSO:

To the woman who gives me a brazilian bikini wax...


I'm really sorry that i say FUCK under my breath at you, you do a really good job, I especially love when you prop my leg up on a WALL LEDGE and fucking can see god knows what from god knows what angle. No tattoo has ever been a fraction as painful as getting waxed there. The bitch that does it like points at my tattoos and says "pain baby?" and I just laugh/put my hands over my face as she rips another layer of my fucking skin off.







laura and daniele came and chilled the other night. Kathleen is fucking latina from MEH-HEE-KO sunshine.








ian graetzer (9:50:52 PM): I am really sorry for beeing such a jerk to you for the past month

olive and well (9:51:24 PM): thanks for the apology
ian graetzer (9:52:03 PM): But that really does not mean anything

olive and well (9:53:14 PM): exactly



I just watched Ian's interview with JOHN NORRIS on MTV.com. It was weird to see his back yard. Patrick is the funniest one. He just talks about cigs and shakespeare.

People should realize that once they fuck me over, and I say "bye," that I mean it.


--------------------------------------




I need a new book, give me recommendations

The new Cold World is good

Jadakiss rules.

My Ipod is so beautiful

R.I.P. Jordan 8's. Just another relationship of mine that was ended.

I'm eating macaroni and cheese, sour patch kids, and ritz crackers for dinner tonight.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




For my friend JOHN CRUZ:



everyoen in NYC go to this skate premiere:

AUG 1ST.











ps. today is fucking weird. the same day I find out i'm getting mad money for school, i realize my fucking most expensive/treasured jordans were stolen. STEALING IS FROM BEING LIKE 13 YEARS OLD I THOUGHT.

and all of my worried that you were offended and the catch in my breath when you weren't

Guess who got a full ride this year for school?

THIS GIRL DID.



I went to Financial Aid, clenching my teeth all worried about my scholarships and the dude goes "oh hey you're getting taller, you should play basketball, you're also pretty smart because your tuition is totally paid for again this year, i'll see you at the top, changing the world and stuff"


yay!! I LOVE WINNING.

at your most beautiful

One of my favorite pictures I've ever taken of Coney Island. Coney Island is one of, if not THE favorite place of mine in NYC. I love it at night, in the day, in the summer, in the winter especially when there's snow on the sand and it's dark and the sea shells are like frozen into the sand...

So yesterday was Siren's fest on Coney Island. I went to this shit last year and it was really fucking amazing and this year was a bust sorta, highlights include:

- sharing whiskey rootbeer with mike

- everyone I went with tripping on shrooms (except me) and kathleen saying "I'M GONNA MANIFEST YOU"

-CHEESE FRIES AND LEMONADE

-Broken Social Scene

-Seeing strangers vomit is one of the coolest things ever

-Getting involved in a fight in the women's bathroom line

-It being th ehottest day of the year

But the best situation of the entire night came at the end when my really pretty friend Amy was trying to avoid this guy TRAVIS. Travis = short, very hairy, semi-attractive face, She told me he was a complete douchebag and that I should not inform a guy in a horrible patterened GAP shirt that I was having a massive party at my house if he were to find her in this huge crowd and latch on to her. So I see this guy from the corner of my eye running to her RUNNING. And i roll my eyes and know this is the stupid fuck that won't leave her alone....so me and kathleen (my partner in crime always) fucking give this dude the evil eye the whole time he's hanging around all of us. he sucked so much and kept putting his arm around her while we were walking. I do not understand how people cannot take blatant hints such as me being like "YO LETS JUST US GIRLS GO GET ICECREAM" and he fuckign came with us of course and then we head back to the car because we assumed he'd let go and fucking do his own thing. So we start walking like the twenty minute walk down Mermaid ave towards the car and he fucking follows us and me and kathleen are just waiting to pounce on this dude because he wont stop touching amy and she keeps pushing him off and we're like "dude, you cannot fit in the car when we get in like you should go back to the train, have a good night" and then we get to the car and he's like attempting to squish 7 fucking people in a little sedan and everyone was being super polite being like "oh oh...kay" and i'm like "this isnt gonna work" and i'm like sitting on fifty people's knees and amy like speeds to the train and he WONT GET OUT and then i'm liek "TIME FOR YOU TO GO" and my friend mike basically pushes him out of the car and then we sped off in order to reflect on the absurdidty of fucking TRAVIS and his loud ass shirt and his fucking PDA obsession after he knew Amy for ten days and how he couldn't get the hint when we were like "no dude you cannot come in the car, we're not doing anything after the fest, amy doesnt want to suck your dick"

So as for the rest of the fest, I saw some retarded tattoos and listened to tons of mediocre hip-hop and ate the best fucking junk food and have lived in a bathing suit the past 2 days. I've had so many people from wb, philly, upstate new york etc. staying at my house the last two weeks my apartment has turned into a squat. It's disgusting after the party last night. We finally got home and invited 30 people over and partied until about 5 am then I left for work at seven thirty am this morning, stepped over puddles of dutch guts and beer and cigarettes and my house smelled like a fucking toilet but last night was mad fun. I always feel bad for my guy friends because all i have are guy friends and so when I have a party there's about 7 girls and 25 guys. I went to the deli to get snacks and drinks and i see these like LITTLE BOYS, alright maybe 15/16 year old skateboarders and they come up to me and say "are you going to the party at the bodega" and i said "no not tonight, i'm having a party" and then they like skated their little baby freak selves to my house and the one told me I was really beautiful and he wanted to touch my face. I laughed, looked at laura, and told him it was past his bedtime and then I went to sleep next to lindsey o'brien one of my best friends for like 12 years. Max and kim's insane boyfriend Chris helped kick all of the kiddies out and then afterwards kathleen stumbles into my room all dead eyes typical kathleen and goes "HERE'S THE PROBLEM...I'M FUCKING STARVING" so we walk to get fried chicken and everyone that we just kicked out was sitting there eating and it was a perfect way to end the night. just sucks i had work at the crack of dawn and had to walk past 56 sleeping bodies all over my house and be jealous. I've been having weird dreams about food and sex ...not together, separately, but still weird nonetheless.

pictures coming soon.

stumpdick (12:43:14 AM): like a virgin is a metaphor for big dicks

Until the anchor breaks.

I need to get out of new york. Lily stopped into the city for a spontaneous visit and thank fuck because alot of shit has been happening and I needed someone to drag me to Pinkberry 12 times in 3 days. Me and Lily also talked today about what I'll be doing for my 21st birthday which is in like three months and these were some of the ideas:

1. Tropical Vacation

2. California to stay with friends

3. Seeing Alkaline trio (I'll follow them anywhere)

4. Pinkberry

5. Somewhere I've never been but is a garunteed fun time

6. Anywhere that isn't a shitty bar in NYC

Things sparking my fancy as of late:

-Chapstick, tons of it

-Sleeping naked

-Candles in my room

-The Postal Service album

-Not doing Laundry

-Avoiding my family

-Pancakes

-Freckles
-Drawing Kathleen, for some reason I cannot get her face just right yet.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm in a weird mood right now. I'm so tired all of the time but one of my best friends returns home from Mexico tomorrow and I need to lay in bed with her and catch up, I cannot wait. I cannot wait for alot of things coming up withing the next 2 weeks.

Here's some pictures since I cannot really talk that much.

shout outs to my best boyfriends that used to live mad far away now they moved right around the corner from my apartment!

I have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore

anymore anymore anymore.

WARNING: venting.

Dear Dad,

I'd like to thank you for making me the person I am today. I'd like to thank you for all of the fucking good advice, all of the times you were fucking late so now I'm the type of person that's obsessed with being on time because I know how fucking disrespectful it is. Thanks for going to jail because it made me realize how much I really do want to work with making prisons more rehabilitative, thanks ESPECIALLY for hitting that woman with your car and killing her on mothers day because it made me more interested in the welfare of children without parental care because I went to highschool with one of those kids and my father is responsible for the death of his fucking mother. Thanks for making my mother scoop me out of bed in the middle of the night in a Little Mermaid nightgown to get into a freezing car in February to sleep at god know's who's house because you are fucking horrible. I love seeing my mother cry. Thanks for forgetting at least 16 of my 20 birthdays, thanks for all of the lies. Thanks for making my mother a single mother, thanks for welfare, and food stamps, thanks for flea bites on my ankles, thanks for always driving drunk, thanks for learning nothing from losing everything because now I've learned to appreciate everything I have created for myself. Thanks for letting me cry alone abandoning me when I needed you most because now I can stand on my two feet and embrace pain as a part of my life. Thanks for teaching me that people are completely capable of loving you and then spitting in your face the next day. thanks most of all for teaching me the exact type of man that I never want to love or marry or even look in the eye. Thank you, with all of my fucking heart.

-Your daughter,(the former little girl that used to play tic-tac-toe with you at every diner)

Nicole

Cardinal

I feel like the summer time is usually the influx of boy issues within my circle of GIRLFRIENDZZ. We all seem to have this peculiar shit going on with dudes around this time of year and my good friend Lindsey told me she couldn't get this song by The Bird and the Bee out of her head, it is called "Fucking Boyfriend."






The issue of "boyfriend" has always been strange for me. I've done it all I guess. The "sort of" boyfriend and then the epic relationship where you get married to eachother in the middle of the street and talk about your future kids' names, and I've done the "hey wanna come over and bang" type of boy-thats-a-friend, also the "I really fucking like you but it's the wrong time" boyfriend and to tell you the truth it is all fucking annoying and I'm so insanely jealous of asexual people who couldn't give a shit about the opposite sex.




But whatever, BOYZ SUCK RIGHT???? #$&*#@@. I still speak to ALL of my exes, I think even every boy I have ever even kissed I'm still in touch with...



It is hard to hear constant ups and downs from your friends because SURPRISE girls don't ever shut up about the boy that's currently on their mind and don't get me wrong I love talking to them about guys and throwing them my opinions but I do miss the time in my life when I was sure about the person I was with, when there were no questions, no tip-toeing, just straight up pure companionship. and love.

The Bird and the Bee, "Fucking Boyfriend"

There is something wrong, and there is something right

When you can take me by hands and I will close my eyes.

When you laid down with me, you took the other side.

When you laid down with me, you never slept that night

Are you working up to something?

But you give me almost nothing.

Keep me helpless up to something on my knees.

Would you ever be my, would you be my fucking boyfriend?

Are you an amateur, or is it your unkind?

To torture all the other girls, you keep me by your side

Are you unsatisfied? You cant make up your mind

.When you can take me by the hands and I will close my eyes.

Are you working up to something? But you give me almost nothing.

Keep me helpless up to something on my knees.

Would you ever be my, would you be my fucking boyfriend?

I would be so winning, so absolutely winning.

A guarantee in melody, a promise in the sky

all this shit about you and me, and the way it used to be. I wish I never read it.

A few things to talk about:


- I need a good snuggle.
- I need to get the fuck out of NY soon.
- If I find out that any motherfucking minion from wilkes-barre is giving my little sister beer/drugs/dick, I'll personally make your life a living hell.
- I want to see snow, for some reason I miss it.
- I hate the word "tampon"
- I keep having the worst nightmares
- CHAI LATTE
- Going to see Iron Age/Cold World/Trash Talk this weekend a few blocks from my apartment in Brooklyn. I love my neighborhood.



I'm so tired lately, down sort of. I go to counseling once a week (if I drag myself that is) and the dude I talk to insists that me being sick the last few weeks is due to the fact that I do not deal with my problems emotionally, and since I can trick my mind to get over things quickly/easily, my body presents the stress or anxiety physically and that's why I feel like shit but am mentally doing fine. JARGON JARGON PSYCHOLOGY JARGON JARGON

I want a milkshake. I miss Kathleen. I get wonderful texts from her talking about Mexico or being high or both at the same time...



I went to this really old art dealer man's apartment the other night. He's super gay and like 70 and loves black dick ~only~ and had the craziest/coolest art collection ever and made popcorn and said I was "quiet" and I asked him what his first memory is. I think that is quite possibly my favorite question. He looked at me and said "look at this ring my 90 year old friend made me yesterday"... so he put out his hand and on his pinky was this little gold ring that said "love" and i said the appropriate "awwwww" and then he said "no, turn the ring around" so I do..and on the other side of the ring it says "fuck". I laughed and said "that sums it up?" and he said "pretty much so." Best conversation I've had in awhile.










Give me your eyes, I need sunshine.

I WANT:

-A REALLY GOOD FUCKING BACK RUB

-A MAID

-TO BE ABLE TO BRIGN PEOPLE BACK TO LIFE

- MASCARA

- SEX IN A CAR?

- ART PENCILS

- NACHOS

- CONEY ISLAND AT NIGHT

not quite alone, not quite in company

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

I know this website is very well-known by now. But this week's post was sooo good I thought I'd shout it out.

Just got back to Brooklyn from Wilkes-Barre. Saw some awesome kids. Things change little by little everytime I go back. Me and Kathleen just went for mexican food at 9am. All I want to do is lay in bed with really loud music and a huge bottomless iced tea. This morning while I was on the metro north platform waiting to go into the city, a business man told me I was "stunning". I thought he was making fun of me because I had been awake at 4:30 this morning to treck back here and looked like a royal slob, but it was genuine, I think, because he said it twice.

In other news I'm making some radical life changes. Perhaps a new tattoo is in order.

It's my mother's birthday, Happy Birthday Mamma

Ask beavis, I get nothin' but head.

"luv ya, happy fourth of july nickalodeon"

-voicemail from my father


New Blog: Stay tuned for posts about:

Food
Brooklyn
Daily Complaints
Gripes about poverty
Sex
Food again
How much I hate Manhattan