Sunday, May 31, 2009

This tree grew from cement

The skin around my eyes hurts from crying so much today.

Kathleen left for the summer and i can safely say i'm devastated.  I usually don't let myself depend on people for anything, happiness, comfort, security....well I realized that I totally let myself go in that department when it comes to kathleen. For the past few years she's been easily one of the greatest things/people to happen to me, she's never even come close to betraying me and deals with my craziness, anger issues, aggressive behavior, and goodness without question 24/7.  I don't know what i'll do without her.  i cried on the train, walking to work, at work, and i know i will before i go to bed or if i dare to look in her empty room.

In other news. So much has happened in may. May is always a strange month because i usually move to another apartment, have finals, it's the anniversary of my dad killing someone and going to jail, and it's the line between the school year and the summer.  May lived up to it's past shittiness as usual. I always seem to lose someone in my life in this month. this year i lost two people. both in different ways. strangely enough on kathleen's last night in town while at a bar that had sand as a floor bc it was a "surf bar" i got a call from kevin dowell and we talked about making our friendship work and staying involved somewhat in eachother's lives. May is always like this for me. But today it is over, thank god. June, please be good to me. 

I've been bumping straight old johnny cash live performances, sundowner, and the jealous sound all month. Today I started reading "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn" it's really fucking good so far.

In all my saddness I think i'll watch some live sets of bands my boss hooked me up with tonight. Even though there are several people i could call to hang out, I really am not up for it. I think I'll go back to my loner lifestyle for a little. Another thing driving me nuts is how fast things change. I think one of my only anxieties with life is that it changes so often, some people love this, i however, loathe and despise this.  I would love to have the same best friends till the day I die and only live in one place for the rest of my life. I'm a fan of putting all of myself into things, i wish i could just do that with one group of people and one place but that's impossible.  Three years ago my life was so different. Does that mean three years from now my life will be just as different? I don't like this. It's crazy to me that I can look at myself this time last year, I was breaking up with my then live in boyfriend, riding my bike to coney island with kathleen, getting to know bushwick, and becoming very very close with Lily.  365 days later things are much much different. Times like this when i wish i could just go to seans house and burry my face in his belly and have him make fun of the way i talk or something and cheer me up. 

another thing bringing me down is this really horrible feeling/sense that something bad is going to  happen to my mom? I've been having really violent dreams and I've been calling her alot bc i feel like something bad is in the works. I hope this is just me being weird and dumb.

Anyways, on to the summer. Tomorrow i'm getting on the train to seans house and we're gonna hang at kelsey's with kiddos and grill and I need to remember to bring baked goods from work tomorrow.

My grades for this semester were pretty amazing, gotta sign up for the GREs soon and start researching grad schools, along with edit my thesis, i found out i have enough credits to qualify me as an english minor? ha. and this long distance relationship thing? seriusly no sweat, especially when he drives to your apartment to hang out for less than 24 hours and cleaned my kitchen while me and the girls went grocery shopping for a memorial day bbq where it took over an hour just to light the grill. was such a fun night regardless.

Since i'm sad, i'm buying myself these this week, i deserve them. retro j fives, mhmmmmmmm mmm.


caroline said...

im here for ya nikki faaaceeee

Kate said...

"I would love to have the same best friends till the day I die and only live in one place for the rest of my life."

I hear THAT, woman!