A picture of you, holding a picture of me.

(not a cover of the regualr jolene song)...



listening to this before I go to bed lately.
Sleeve completion in 3 days
School ends in 5 days
Kathleen leaves in 30 days
I get to see you again in just 4.


I saw my little sister today. I can't believe it's almost may. I thought about writing a letter to my father's victim's family onthe anniversary this month, but I don't want to be selfish and I don't want to hurt them. Sometimes I wish I could appologize and it'd be enough. I feel guilty alot for what my father did. How could I not? I wonder if they hate me for having my mom on mother's day this year when they don't have theirs.

happiness is a choice.

this weekend was interesting to say the least.
I saw my favorite band live, they remind me of so many things. so many good things. Watching them is honestly like watching a timeline of the last 7 years of my life. thank you for that. Sean is wonderful. school is winding down, won a writing award, got a few a's, might have a b this semester, I guess I'll live. Looking forward to making dinners with Kathleen, finishing my sleeve this saturday, buying my plane tickets to the JUNGLE, spring cleaning, online shopping, seeing my mom in may with sean, saving up to go to the grand canyon with sean this summer, long fucking hair, swimming (just bought a hot new bsuit), working mad shifts at the bakery making that loot, giving a big fuck you to may and anniversaries of bad things, my neighborhood all summer, popsicles, other frozen treats, and being around the people that appreciate me. like this dummy....

You'll be with me next time I go outside

If you're gonna fall,
I'll let you know,
that I will pick you up
like you for I

Two sentences from my Horoscope today....

“It is your curse to see the world too fucking (it was bleeped out though in the paper) clearly and without a shred of kindness”

“You’ve achieved lessons the hard way. You don’t have to try to remember them, they are now part of who you are.”

Both statements apply to me in different ways. zodiac/astrology stuff is honestly completely fun and entertaining and I really believe sometimes It's true. According to Laura who is my astrology guide (she knows everything it's insane) Gemini is one of my "forbidden loves" and my sister and mortal enemy until i was 17 is a Gemini, a long with Sean. so that's hilarious. Also, It's said that with scorpios you "never can walk away from them" and that also has proven to be a huge pattern in my life. So anyways. the second sentence is eerie, Alot of my energy and time is spent tryign to teach myself lessons and really annalyze the past so I can be better in the future, I guess like Lily says i'll just cross that bridge when it comes, and I HAVE learned, I dont need to reteach myself everyday.

I wanna see the grand canyon this summa.

SUMMER COME NOWWWW

sweet avenue

Boxing is getting difficult. Yesterday the trainer played DMX throughout the entire session, and I actually hit harder i think haha. But yeah, so much thought goes into it that I sometimes get caught up in thinking about where my feet are, or if my hands are guarding my face, or if my chin is down that I distract myself.

In other news I just got back to Brooklyn from wb. Wb was amazing and I got to hang with Lily, kingston kids, and my mom alot. I saw my dad for a bit and it was a pain in the ass, I spent so much quality time with my sister and on saturday we went to the bad seed/bracewar show and it was nice to see Erica Moreno and eat wendy's and then Sean basically surprised me by coming to the show with other doylestown friendz and goign to get angelo's and i'm really glad we got to see eachother for a bit. For the first time in about a year, I have a boyfriend. The coolest part about this is that I never saw it coming. I thought he'd be a fun boy to hang with and we might get close but I definitely didnt' see us actually being together. But when you get in your first car accident together and while I'm holding in crying he covers my eyes so I don't see the car smoking and then quotes sheer terror by saying "smoking like a dragon!" to cheer me up. seriously makes me melt. But yeah, it's kinda funny how things worked out. April is being good to me.

I'm not being good with school. All I'm doing is focusing on my study and getting my results paper ready for conference and all of my other classes are so whatever to me.

I keep listening to underdog non stop and am sorta rediscovering how amazing the cro-mags are and I can safely say that I listen to Owen on a daily basis, he's perfect.

My tattoo apt is at five on saturday, exactly one week before I see alkaline trio. Can it get any better than that? No. My exboyfriend emailed me asking me to hang out, I think i'll take him up on it but just as friend of course.

I've also cut my smoking down ALOT. thank god.

Going home is weird for me because I feel very inbetween. Kids that are younger, kids that are older, my past life as opposed to my "new" life. I'm just doing/experiencing so many things that it's hard for me to relate to alot of people at home anymore. I of course fucking love going to shows but they arent the same as when I was 15-18 and it's really depressing.

I'll think of more later.

Canaries - kind of like spitting

I'm home and it's fucking wonderful. So much gun violence? I blame the recession/stress of poverty, the crime levels always spike with bad moments in the economy. My mom and I went for drinks at my old work, went to lily's for passover dinner extravaganzaaz, laying with my dog on the couch, quality time with my sister in the bed that we share, largest italian meal you've ever seen will be in front of my face around 1 pm today, hung out at max's with cool kids last night, it was nice to see jesse and david for a bit even. Mom made me breakfast, I miss somebodddddy. Life is so good.

Alkaline Trio soon. Gonna be a 13 yr old girl freak fan screaming.

DREAMS COME TRUE

No one will understand how amazing this moment is for me right now but I'm gonna talk about it anyway...

My independent study has statistically significant results. In the psychology world, this means that my hypothesis was reflected in the results, that my work can be published, that I successfully designed, wrote, and performed an independent psychological study as an UNDERGRAD and MOST IMPORTANTLY, it reflected that just because people are in jail, the part of the population that I sampled thinks this: that the person in jail is less deserving of help when attacked than other citizens, that violence in jail is totally socially acceptable, that violence in jail is less morally wrong than in the civilian world, and that the public is LESS SYMPATHETIC TO PEOPLE THAT GET ATTACKED IN JAIL BECAUSE THEY ARE PRISONERS??? wtf. MORAL EXCLUSION.


As my class annalyzed their results for the first time today, most did not have significant results (it's like christmas, you enter all of your data and then click a few things to annalyze and get results and it just POPS UP WHAT IT MEANS). So my turn comes and I almost shut my eyes bc if it turns out no significance it was all a waste of time and I have to do this all over again. SO. Not only were my results significant they were THE MOST SIGNIFICANT YOU CAN GET. like bragging rights status. (.05 is the standard level of significance, and anything less is way better and mine was .0000000)!!!!!!

I could cry, it's so lame to say but this is a teeny dream come true. I want to like call my mom and tell her, but she wont really get it but still be proud as fuck. i cant believe i really did this. feels so good. I could do this forever, and I will be.


So much good stuff. This last week was so busy but amazing. Sean visited Brooklyn and we went to freezing coney island and the water was so cold I basically ran away when I touched it and then just ate cheezits on the beach and then bummed around all over the place and went to a record store and watched freaks walk by us 90% of the time. I love when I have visitors because I realize how amazing the place that I live really is.

April is me seeing my mom and dog and sister and finishing up my Junior year of school, getting ready for conference, getting my sleave half done, seeing alkaline trio and saves the day with lily and plenty of trips to philly, along with hanging with kathleen so hard until she leaves for the summer and I cry mostest.

I was reading an article in the NY Times and they actually found a chemical that helps erase specific memories eternal sunshine status. Would I do that? in a heartbeat, i'd erase a specific person and wouldnt even care what good memories went down the tubes with my memories of them because forgetting is the ultimate freedom, honestly.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY I'LL STOP AND GET BACK LATER I NEED A GRAPEFRUIT.

oh and ps. my FUCKING TAX RETURN WAS OVER A THOUSAND DOLLARS THANK YOU U.S. GOVERNMENT, YOU JUST BOUGHT MY TATTOOS FOR THE WHOLE SUMMER.

you're always made up

I don't really care if I'm healthy or not
Just clean my head up doc
I'll give you anything you want
See I don't know why I don't fall in love
Well maybe I know why and maybe you could make it stop
Then we'll cut it up and bury it and leave it
Underground
And I'll take to wishing and fall under
Sleeping safe and sound
Just give me medicine prescribe me anything
Just knock me out and walk me through the door
I have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore, anymore




oh and our Justice System is fucking disgusting.
http://news.aol.com/article/subway-rape-victim/414280?icid=main|main|dl1|link3|http%3A%2F%2Fnews.aol.com%2Farticle%2Fsubway-rape-victim%2F414280