memories that i gave up on i'm sorry for the past

So I'm back in Brooklyn.

I was welcomed with freezing rain, 8 million shitty "coyne" hands all over my block, a twelve page paper about prison shit and a 7 page paper about the Rwandan Genocide due in hours and I couldnt be happier. New York City, I fucking love you. Home was alot of crying and hanging with my sister and eating and kissies from my dog. It goes without saying that I still hate my father and even having to hug him makes my stomach turn. Weekends in Philly are more fun than ever before. I have a date this week with a boy I've thought was cute for awhile. He'll probably turn out to be a complete loser, but then maybe I'll like him more? ha. okay He builds scultptures and has a fucking awesome mouth and green eyes, my two favorite things. Home has nothing for me anymore, philly barely does. It sucks when you can't even use home as an escape.

Hopefully going to the Gilbert & George exhibit with Benny in the upcoming weeks.
ps. Benny, just noticed how you tagged my garbage can motherfucker.

Heavy hands. I blew up on Kevin. I wish people would stop holding on to me. It drives me crazy

I've had ghosts following me all day. Many people believe that ghosts are limited to phantasmic figures, but they exist in songs too. And old photos, and calenders, and dreams, and names. They exist within his name, and how many times I used to write it and say it. Ghosts exist within the walls of the places we went, and within the plans that we made. They have chessboards in stock again, by the way. I only went in there looking for bracelets- I had no idea that memories would follow. They don't paralyze me like they used to though. These days, a deep breath will do the trick, but I'm not sure whether to feel relief because my insides no longer unravel at the thought of you like they once did or terrified because I'm beginning to forget what you were like when everything was still okay between us.

Once again, home is a total and complete mind fuck.

The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist

LUA- by bright eyes is my winter song every year around this time.

I know that it is freezing, but I think we have to walk
I keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights off
But Julie knows a party at some actor's West side loft
Supplies are endless in the evening by the morning they'll be gone

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit

And I know you have a heavy heart, I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist

You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
Just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
Well, it takes one to know one, kid, I think you've got it bad
But what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag

I got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train
And if you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane

And I'm not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did
It's not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is

i made a winter mix for myself dis is it::::

Stupid Kid - Alkaline Trio
Say yes - Elliott Smith
Thirteen - Big Star
Asthenia - Blink182
Sacramento is Dead - Trash Talk
The Breaks - Robes
Live it out - Metric
The Light - Common
Sweet Dreams - Xander Singh
Red, White, and Blues - Menzingers
Play Crack the Sky - Brand New
Track 11 - Lauren Adams
Something Out of Nothing - Entombed
If you see her, say Hello - Bob Dylan
I Wanna be Adored - The Stone Roses
Skin and Bones - Owen
Bleary Eyed - Annuals
Battery in Your Leg - Blur
Margaret Thatcher - Matt and Isom
The best of Queens - Mobb Deep
Lua - Bright Eyes


There's seriously so much relief in being alone.

easy to be around

seriously, you're intimidating. It's weird because you're an easy person to talk to, but you know how to take care of yourself and have goals and ambition and that's scary to some people. some people burn their hand on the stove and try it again later, then others get burned and won't even flirt with the idea of going near the stove again.

and, from what I can gather, you need someone man enough to fight back with you and push back when you test them. so he'd have to step his game up and i think he knows that. which is probably what freaks him out

because, i think beause of everything that happened with your dad, you won't give another guy enough slack to hurt you. which is an admirable and highly elusive trait to grasp.





you are easy to be around
because you belong to no one

you are easy to be around
i like to walk beside you
you're so easy to be around
it's like i'm not even walking beside you

i'm sorry that you're dead and i'm angry with a corpse.

Something crazy happened.

All of my friends, and probably the people that read this, whoever it is, all know that I love sex. Sex is number one on the small list of vices that I have. And no, that doesnt mean I have one night stands and tons of casual sex. My usual operation is to find a dude i'm friends with to sleep with on the regular. Last night, a dude I have a teeny crush on who is smart, together, funny, and all around nice slept over and I didn't really do anything. that's not the weird part, the weird part is I didn't even have to hold myself back. I didn't even WANT to have sex or do anything. It was so incredibly foriegn that I was laying right next to a dude i'm attracted to for like 8 hours and didn't feel compelled to do much at all.

what does this mean? I'm scared now I think. I don't want to like anyone because it usually ends before it even really begins and him being older I think made me freaked out because he's not my normal choice of stupid young guy that I can easily get. Like normally i'm in this rush to get to know people, I want to know everything about everyoen and I was not myself last night. I didn't ask fifty million questions or try at all. I hate this new apathetic way I go about things. Maybe I'm just hurt from everything leading up to this month and I feel alone and tired and am settling into that feeling. Maybe the thought of someone touching me again in a sexual way just scares me. Sometimes I think that since i had a boyfriend my entire dating age childhood part of my life that nows the time that I do things that young girls normally do; trust the wrong guys, date around casually, get fucked over, learn what they dont want. It all bogs me down frankly and boys are no fun to me anymore. I don't have a light attitude towards sex, liking someone, and boyfriends in general. I want it back, hopefully it comes back soon.

In the morning after the guy got up and left for work I laid back in bed and who calls me? Kevin. Typical. How does he always know.

I have so much work to do for school it's literally sickening.

Lately listening to:

Lauren Adams
Dillinger Four
Matt and Isom
Bob Dylan
Jadakiss
Cold World

seaweed

i feel the time go by feel the distance
between you and me
and you know i didnt want it
but now that we got it
gotta twist it gotta turn it around
im thinking of the things you said
what it meant
what did it mean to you
i always fuck up the best things
i feel the distance
maybe you missed it
i feel the distance
and it makes me sad
but not enough to turn it away



Today was mad productive.
I have a dr. appointment for my heart in december
im getting a new phone
i bought sexy undies
got a $1 tea and drank it at union square and saw a cardinal
bought olive colored folders for my psychology research proposal
petted mad puppies
made tons of "to do" lists
paid the electric bill
talked to my family
and now i'm about to read about the genocide in cambodia in bed.

So while I'm sore from the smiles that you've given to me i just cant wait for the day when inevitably...

I walked by a tropicana truck today and seriusly contimplated jumping in it. my next semester classes are as follows;

Sexuality and Nation Building
Poetry for enjoyment
experimental psychology 2
Statistics in psychology
Public speaking

lame.

I have to reschedule my cardiologist apointment bc i conveniently missed it because i'm not in the mood to get yelled at by a doctor and find out that i probably either need major surgery or that it will never get better and i just have to "deal with" being constantly out of breath heart attack time.

things/peeples i miss...








i did dat









doing my own art, seeing art, new york in general, going swimming in wb with one of my best friends, summer in general, being retardedly silly with kathleen when we're home alone together, coney island when it's cold, being in love, holding hands with someone, being sure, being appreciated, dresses, knowing what was going on in all of your lives.

i hate missing things.

Around the corner from my work yesterday, a young girl got totally naked and stood on her fire escape and threatened to jump, she was tryign to kill herlsef, a million fire trucks were there trying to get her down, the last thing I hear before I die better not be fire truck sirens.

times are changing

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

I guess I wasn't good enough.

I'm so overwhelmed. My room is a mess. clothes, pillows, blankets, everywhere all over thefloor, i'm behind in school, i'm fucking exhausted, my appearance has gone down the tubes, i'm being a shitty friend, I just like sitting alone in my room watching movies. I need a vacation. so much has happened in the last two months I need new music, new clothes, new places, new everything. wb, philly, ny such a fucking circle.

I'm makign my schedule for spring semester, it's going to suck. I'm a grown up. I might take a poetry class. I've been writing that shit alot lately. blah blah blah.

I just want things to be effortless.

Every boy is intimidated by me, it's depressing.