Affraid not Scared

My cognitive psycholog professor gave me this book because she said I'd like it. I LOVE it so far. I'll type up cool snipits on here once I'm done reading it.

Don't have much to say lately. Am a week away from being finished with applying, three schools left. (I have to space it out a bit so I can pay the $100 application fees and not go broke) So four out of seven are done and I'm on my way to getting seven great rejection letters in the mail, surely.

All I want is to watch UP in my bed wrapped up like a burrito in fifty blankets with my dog.

This past weekend John came to NYC, he brought me this old Lacoste baby blue cardigan he found in his room in the house he grew up in and I love it and haven't taken it off really. He wanted to skate the Brooklyn Banks before it gets shut down next month and it was cool to hang out for a while in a part of the city that I fell in love with when I was 18. We got papaya dog and Chili dogs are one of my top ten favorite foods.

i'm home. Last night me, my mother, my sister, and my dog all layed in bed and talked. I love that my whole family can fit in one single bed.

We Shinin'

hello, Educational Heaven.

I'm always wrong, but you're never right.

It's really interesting to see someone live in a fantasy world, not face reality, and pretend like they haven't spoken against a thousand things they now embrace.

I don't understand how people can be one person, so intensely, and be totally different in such a teeny amount of time. How people can be so disgusted by drugs, or a certain person, but then do a 360 and be different.  There are things I know I'll always be certain of within myself:

I will never cheat on a significant other.

I will never try cocaine,  get into weed, drink everyday...etc 

I will never turn my back on someone I've loved. No matter what.

I will never be best friends with someone I used to talk loads of shit on

I will never take my resentment/bitterness/anger/emotional disorders out on someone that had nothing to do with it.

Don't people have pride? It's so depressing to get older and see people turn sour on themselves. Aren't we all supposed to be getting better into our twenties? Maybe people cannot handle the truth of anything so they'd rather sit in half truth.

Whatever. In other news, I'm mad late on the Paramore guilty pleasure parade because I'm obsessed with that brand new eyes album, it's so catchy I hate myself. 

I'm itching for a new job and a new school. I hope I get both as my graduation present this May. 

I had such a good weekend. Watched the Paquiao v Cotto match at John's friend Keith's house and ate Filipino food in honor of the underdog Manny Paquiao. He won and is the first person to win all 7 weight classes, he's only 145 pounds and he beat Oscar De LaHoya. Dude is a little beast!!! Also, went to Robes' record release show and hung with Jep and a bunch of other cool peeps. It was really fun, I wish Greg's gf Vicki was there, she's such a great chick.  Had a lunch date with Kelsey and BB Danni which included hot cocoa with mucho whip cream, burritos and wonderful chats. Katie joined us and I wish I could hang on the daily with all those girls.  I made realllllly good pancakes for John and we went for BBQ at this really amazing place and the waitor was so unbelievably strange and creepy we couldn't get over it or HOLD in laughing.  The two of us with SO MANY plates covering this unnecessarily huge table they put us at like falling out of our chairs laughing at this dude. He's perfect for me, honestly.  The only thing bugging me lately is the uncertainty of the future, but I'm getting used to it.

I'm either dressed like one of the following lately:

John Slaby (he's always giving me his large tshirts)

A business woman

A chola

Cousin It

I've been thinking alot lately on how I was left alone so much when I was little. I just entertained myself for hours and hours and was rarely supervised. This had some bad consequences and some positive.  I'm never bored, I can't even fathom boredom actually.

I Look like the cookie monster or something. shortest human.

I expect people to be stronger.

Is that wrong?

Everyone just seems so weak sometimes.

rags to riches

Reading the letters of recommendation written by my professors seriously is making me tear up, or maybe that's the birth control talking since I just started up on that again for the first time in two and a half years. I'm officially finished with the GREs, I'm supposed to get a 1100-1200 and I scored just below an 1100. Its an acceptable score. I'm glad one part of this is complete.

Every monday night is me getting into a debate with my criminal justice professor who is one of the heads of the NYPD. Everything he says I disagree with and its baffling, depressing, and infuriating that all of the criminal justice majors in that class with me (its only my minor) are on the side of law enforcement instead of the defending the actual "justice" part of the system. I'm learning so much insider bullshit on the way cops are allowed to lie, manipulate, and profile people. I'm alone in that class fighting for what the constitutional law is supposed to do, and that is protect the people from the government, not the other way around. My professor sent out this email after a heated arguement we got in about pretext stops (pretext stops are when a cop can follow you bc he "thinks" you're going to do something bad, and he will follow you until you do the tiniest traffic violation and pull you over) its a TOTAL abuse of power and labels someone a criminal before they even commit a crime. Once again I feel alone in fighting for people that society immediately judges as "bad" and less than deserving of basic rights and general fairness with the law. I hate the law, is this how it's going to be my whole career? Am I going to be surrounded by people that are power obsessed and forget that criminals are human beings? MAD!!!! THIS IS THE EMAIL::::


"I was thinking about last night’s class and specifically NicoleAshton’s objection to pretext stops and their use by an undercover police investigator to identify someone who may (or may not) be involved in criminal activity. I was wondering if Ms. Ashton’s objection was the inconvenience caused to the individual by the stop or thefact that a record may be made in police controlled databases of the individual’s identity as a result of the stop.
I’d like to hear all of your views on that thought in nextweek’s class.
Prof. Rob Messner"

Dude was NOT listening because my objection to the to the pretext stop was neither of those reasons....

anyway. Everything else is coming together.











Also: my burn is healing. Today I washed my hair without help for the first time in a week and a half!! Kathleen and Kim painted the living room and hall way, isnt it beautiful??!!!





my palm is still fucked up but omgod i can move my hand!! HEALING IS MIRACULOUSSSSS

Everything is sooo good. Time to have a margarita with Kathleen. Havent done something like that in so long. School is taking over my life. I'm so thankful for it though.

baby racoon.

A HURT PAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





I feel like whenever i'm on roll of good luck or good fortune, something always happens to remind me that challenges are always lurking, and that I shouldnt ever think it will ever be easy. This week I was forced to rely on people because of an injury and while I hate it more than anything, it was nice to know that being taken care of can actually be really nice. Its funny to see how much you really do with both hands: pulling up your pants, putting your hair in a pony tail, etc...

for now I'm one handed. In a fair amount of pain. and probably have some gnarly scars in my future.



I took my fucked up hand with me to Johns latest art show, It was a three person show and it was gorgeous. John sold over $2300 in artwork...which included one of my favorites and i'm sorta sad I wont see it anymore. but yay on the success!!!

John washed my hair in his big bathtub this weekend. He got soap in my eyes and couldnt get over how heavy my hair was when its wet but it was the best. He has the hugest hands Ive ever seen but he still cleaned my wounds so carefully with tiny Q-tips.

Ill be thankful when its Thanksgiving and I;m eating turkey with my mom and sister, and when i can bend my hand. Cant wait to become social again when i'm done applying.

Well I walked them well didnt I?

Oh my god this song....me and lindsey being 16 singing this soo intensely.
I'm scheduling for my last semester as an undergraduate student this week. THANK GODDDDD. Dats it!!! Bye Pace University, thanks for giving me a full ride for four years, time to do something greater.

Need you like water in my lungs.

I wish I was there again somedays. Not because of the particular place. But I miss the breakfasts everyday in a row with Lindsey and Jess, it felt like the most familiar thing in a new place to be glued to their sides again like when we were growing up.

This week:

Recieved three A's in a row on two papers and a midterm for my super fucking annoying women's study class.

Thought wayyyy too much about the future

Had several meetings perfecting my personal statement for my grad school aps with my thesis advisor.

Babysat my favorite baby, Sasha and pretty much taught her how to say bird sounds.

Read through my ENTIRE study guide for the Psychology subject test GRE.

Ate soup mon-thurs for virtually all my meals because I was craving it ravenously.

Found out I lost like over five pounds in the last 2 months. I always lose weight when winter comes.

Alot of my hair is also falling out. Does anyone know any ways to make this stop?



This Weekend:

Had the best weekend with John before the next two weeks of intense deadlines of work/things due begins. On thursday after work he picked me up from the bus and we immediately got pizza/wings/beer and went home and layed on the couch and watched the baseball game because he's a phillies fan and I'm a Yankees HATER so that was a great situation.

In the morning we went shopping/thrifting and John found a virtually complete hiking backpack outside of a salvation army even equipped with a sleeping bag and it's a little big for me but when it gets warm and we go camping now we both have packs. I had a few good finds and bought a cute new winter coat in West Chester for fifteen bucks and John bought me probably the most expensive shirt I've ever owned for my birthday from JCrew that I can wear on my grad school interviews, I'm terrified to wear it and stain it.

I got sort of a nasty cold this weekend, and paid off my past due medical bill once and for all, I hate that I paid hundreds of dollars to a shitty hospital visit bill from two years ago, especially when they misdiagnosed me. Whatever, now they can stop calling me.

I've got the song "merry happy" by Kate Nash on repeat today for some reason. She's kinda frumpy but the song rules.


I don't like any particular place that much anymore, I like times of the week, times of the day most.