This tree grew from cement

The skin around my eyes hurts from crying so much today.

Kathleen left for the summer and i can safely say i'm devastated.  I usually don't let myself depend on people for anything, happiness, comfort, security....well I realized that I totally let myself go in that department when it comes to kathleen. For the past few years she's been easily one of the greatest things/people to happen to me, she's never even come close to betraying me and deals with my craziness, anger issues, aggressive behavior, and goodness without question 24/7.  I don't know what i'll do without her.  i cried on the train, walking to work, at work, and i know i will before i go to bed or if i dare to look in her empty room.

In other news. So much has happened in may. May is always a strange month because i usually move to another apartment, have finals, it's the anniversary of my dad killing someone and going to jail, and it's the line between the school year and the summer.  May lived up to it's past shittiness as usual. I always seem to lose someone in my life in this month. this year i lost two people. both in different ways. strangely enough on kathleen's last night in town while at a bar that had sand as a floor bc it was a "surf bar" i got a call from kevin dowell and we talked about making our friendship work and staying involved somewhat in eachother's lives. May is always like this for me. But today it is over, thank god. June, please be good to me. 

I've been bumping straight old johnny cash live performances, sundowner, and the jealous sound all month. Today I started reading "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn" it's really fucking good so far.

In all my saddness I think i'll watch some live sets of bands my boss hooked me up with tonight. Even though there are several people i could call to hang out, I really am not up for it. I think I'll go back to my loner lifestyle for a little. Another thing driving me nuts is how fast things change. I think one of my only anxieties with life is that it changes so often, some people love this, i however, loathe and despise this.  I would love to have the same best friends till the day I die and only live in one place for the rest of my life. I'm a fan of putting all of myself into things, i wish i could just do that with one group of people and one place but that's impossible.  Three years ago my life was so different. Does that mean three years from now my life will be just as different? I don't like this. It's crazy to me that I can look at myself this time last year, I was breaking up with my then live in boyfriend, riding my bike to coney island with kathleen, getting to know bushwick, and becoming very very close with Lily.  365 days later things are much much different. Times like this when i wish i could just go to seans house and burry my face in his belly and have him make fun of the way i talk or something and cheer me up. 

another thing bringing me down is this really horrible feeling/sense that something bad is going to  happen to my mom? I've been having really violent dreams and I've been calling her alot bc i feel like something bad is in the works. I hope this is just me being weird and dumb.

Anyways, on to the summer. Tomorrow i'm getting on the train to seans house and we're gonna hang at kelsey's with kiddos and grill and I need to remember to bring baked goods from work tomorrow.

My grades for this semester were pretty amazing, gotta sign up for the GREs soon and start researching grad schools, along with edit my thesis, i found out i have enough credits to qualify me as an english minor? ha. and this long distance relationship thing? seriusly no sweat, especially when he drives to your apartment to hang out for less than 24 hours and cleaned my kitchen while me and the girls went grocery shopping for a memorial day bbq where it took over an hour just to light the grill. was such a fun night regardless.

Since i'm sad, i'm buying myself these this week, i deserve them. retro j fives, mhmmmmmmm mmm.

Tiger's Eye

my sleeve is virtually half done.
I have an extreme inner battle going on between my past and my future.
so much has changed in the last three years. most of it makes me happy, some makes me feel saddest.
I've felt a little restless this week, not like myself really.
I'm going towards my senior year of college, this is my last year to fuck around. real world, i will be joining you soon. ive been sort of homesick lately. sean is wonderful and i have a few best friends and they mean the world to me but i've had this pit in my stomach. I always thought graduating highschool, going to collge, getting my first apartment, completely supporting myself financially...all those mile stones were me "growing up" but nope. nothing takes the cake like this, i'm going to graduate college and that means i need to get a real job, marry a dude, and pop out kids. it really does. like don't get me wrong i'm pumped to have a real job and stop makign money serving coffee and cupcakes, but like this is probably my last year of not wearing heels to work, the year after next will be grad school, which means i wont have time to work because i'll be getting hours working at mental hospitals, working in research labs, working on getting published work etc, a.k.a. having a career. that's insane to me. i'm in my twenties. i'm a grown woman. how the fuck did time fly by?



tell me what ya think.

Johnny Cash is still perfect, Kathleen mentioned something about going to the botanical gardens on tuesday. so siked. also: suggest good reads for the summer. I like reading mostly non-fiction so nothing harry potter esq please. 

Mamma!!!!

this is going to be about my mother aka tribute style.

MOM: THANKS FOR...

always buying olives whenever you go to the grocerty store, thanks for getting me out of abusive situations and always being strong, thanks for touching my face everytime i'm sick i swear it makes it better, thanks for raising me to be independent and trusting the choices i've made for myself, thanks for waking me up everyday when i was litttle telling me i that i'm beautiful because now i grew up to be a girl that has hardly any insecurities with the way that i look, thanks for handing me towels while i was in the shower bc i forgot to bring one in pretty much everytime even though you were sitting on the couch reading the newspaper all comfy, thanks for sending me letters in the mail with pictures of my dog, thanks for setting the bar high and telling me to always get rid of people that are no good, thanks for calling me bold and rambunctious and a "toughy" and never making me change into a soft spoken, well behaved girl. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed when we had mice bc i was affraid they'd touch me, thanks for giving me the spot on the bed by the window when we shared that shitty mattress in aunt lynne's attic when we didnt have a house, and thanks for the great butt. i love you. You're perfect.

such a good song!

I don't know how to sing,

I can barely play this thing,
But you never seem to mind,
And you tell me to fuck off,
When I need somebody to,
How you make me laugh so hard,
How whole years refuse to stay,
Where we told them to back off,
Locked up blindly in a word,
Or a misplaced souvenir,
How the past chews on your shoes,
And these memories lick my ear.

I know,
You might roll your eyes at this,
But I'm so,
Glad that you exist.

How we waste our precious time,
Marching in the picket line,
That surround those
striking hearts,
And the time is never now,
And we know who we should love,
But we're never certain how.

I know,
You might roll your eyes at this,
But I'm so,
Glad that you exist.




School is done.
Found out some things, and if even half of it's true it means the friendship is unfixable.
Did some online shopping, got some new dresses. Nice
My professor, who asked me to be a contributor to one of her studies this summer threw all those ideas out the window, adopted MY STUDY, and is using her grant money/time/repuration to further my experiment into publisher's hands and if I get published as an undergrad that basically means i can go to any grad school I want and get paid to work on their research staff. Phd, you will be mine in the next 5 years, Columbia, you will give it to me. On the tattoo front I just need to get some filler and my elliott smith text and have some branches filled in. yayayayayay.
I spent sunday, monday, tuesday with sean and hung with danielle and rycal and caught up tons with Jeppy and it was wonderful. On wednesday at 5 am Sean saved my life and I can't even explain the situation but he came through for me in so many ways. I never thought I would be able to rely on someone like that and trust someone so much, especially in a such a spontaneously bad situation. It's so hard for me to let other people handle bad things in my life, even if they're only the momentary bad things, it's so nice to have someone else take some of the weight off of my shoulders and just fix it without even thinking twice. so lucky.

Madball on Sunday, then to Wb for a few days. Miss my mamma and sista.

RESPECTACLE

I hear birds out of my living room window.
thanks for giving me a place to land and seriously being the definition of unconditional love.

i'm currently watching true life: i hate my small boobs while eating a grapefruit the size of my head and typing up my writing final portfolio. I love saturdays. This show is really fucking annoying. small boobs? seriously? is that you're only problem? i just want to take these girls and shake them to shit. one's crying because she doesnt have cleavage. I definitely have my flaws, i'm impatient, i'm quick to cut people off, i basically do everything too quickly because i've had my share of shitty humans, i mean i've never been broken up with, ever, because the moment i sniff out some sort of disloyalty, shift in character, or inconsistency in a person, I need to check out. Nothing drives me more crazy than someone that is inconsistent, when someone is inconsistent it translates to untrustworthiness. Maybe I should be on True Life: I only have 4 friends because I have crazy stability issues.

In other news, mother fuckers are walking around nyc with fucking surgical masks and i want to punch them in the face. what pussies.




I also didn't mention in here that I recently interviewed a stripper at a Time's Square strip club for a paper for my sex and nation building class. It was a horrible, depressing experience. All of the girls were so strange and the men there are fucking awful and I don't know why i went in there expecting to see it not be so bad. After a 25 minute interview in the "champagne" room on a velvet chair with a half naked girl named "alia", she says to me "do you wanna dance? do you have daddy issues like the rest of us?" She makes 5 grand for sleeping with a guy and 1,000 bucks for a blow job. everything about that place was awful and i cried on the train ride home.


I guess that's all.