we never are what we intend

I saw a doggie costume parade while me and John walked through Tompkins Square Park.
Went to Queens to P.S. 1 and meandered around some art shows. I heard from everyone I needed to hear from, even my father got it right this year. 22 will be a crazy year, but I feel it will be good. Also, we went to the Museum of Natural History and I saw a zillion cool things, even though the Giant Whale exhibition was closed. While walking towards the museum John and greg found books being thrown away, John opened up a book and in it was a terot card, I looked up what it meant and basically it means that good things are coming your way, and babies....? LOL.

Basic Terot Meaning:
"Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way. It's one of those days when it all goes right. Just right. The money you were waiting for arrives and a bonus has been added, the project you've been working on comes out perfectly and you get all the credit. Traffic lights turn green for you, liars come clean and apologize, the garden blooms, the sky is blue, the weather is warm and sweet. As the song goes, "Here comes the Sun...." and absolutely everything is going to be all right. A most welcome babe will soon be on the way. Likely a boy, or twins"

I cant wait to see Lindsey and Jep over thanksgiving break and hang with my family.

Today I'm catching up on so much work since this weekend I had a vacation from school thangs. I got another gardosil vaccination and I'm currently having an allergic reaction to it. I have bad luck. This was the best birthday I've had in a while. John even fixed my bathtub! People were buying me so many drinks for my bday that I had to share them with the bartenders. It rained so much but it didn't ruin anything. Chili dogs from Papaya dog is a must birthday dinner as well. I think me kim and kathleen are gonna celebrate my bday just us girls this week by cooking a mini thanksgiving dinner. It's almost November and in the first week I'm taking two different GRE tests, both are four hours long. I hope I don't pull my hair out.

Don't have the energy to figure out why people are being bitchy or moody. It's time to grow up.

My mother's birthday cards always make me cry. I'm so lucky to have come from her, she's so quiet sometimes, but she's always strong and sure of who she is, not many people can say that about themselves.

You were the first real choice I would make

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day.
Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch
And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones.
And, vaster,some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.--

Even losing you (the joking voice, a gestureI love) I shan't have lied.
It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster

Elizabeth Bishop





The Waking
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.
We think by feeling. What is there to know?

I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground!
I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me, so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go

Theodore Roethke

Eros

I've turned into a workaholic. If theres any point in my day that I'm not obsessing over standardize tests, grad applications, deadlines, or essay writing I feel GUILTY. I feel like I'm wasting precious time if I'm laying on the couch. When I even eat my one meal of the day I find myself thinking "I could be reading something right now or looking at my flashcards" I hate the idea that I have no idea if all of this is in vein. I might apply to 7 schools, pay $100 dollars for each application, then gradually recieve 7 rejection letters. In other news. I've been paying so much attention to my health. I RARELY smoke if it all and have stopped drinking, I've also been getting 8 hours of solid sleep a night. I was told I look and sound refreshed, I'm glad for that at least.

My birthday weekend, I'm happy to say will consist of going to see "Where the Wild Things Are" with John in Manhattan on Friday, hopefully some sort of breakfast Saturday, Partyin' saturday night, and on Sunday just the thought of sleeping in is enough celebration for me. Last night John and I talked on the phone all the way on his trip back to Philly from WB (he always falls sleepy when he drives it's so scary) and even after another consecutive 12 hour day of working/lab work, he makes me laugh so hard I cannot wait to see him this weekend. I'd usually get pretty annoyed if a boy were to tell me that I was a "poof head" in the morning because my hair is a mess but with him I just burst out laughing.

I may complain that I'm busy and stressed but I'm grateful for the motivation and work ethic, I'm glad I haven't let myself down on this one. I'm not usually one to give up on things that I want for myself, I considered for a second that maybe I wasn't ready for all of this, then I talked to my professors who are writing me recommendations and they all said that its obvious my entire life revolves around my area of study, and that they wouldn't expect anything less than for me to apply to the top programs, at the top schools. We'll see. Like always, making things happen for myself, is what makes me happiest in life. The satisfaction of being totally self reliant is what fuels 75% of my happiness, and I am happy, the other 25% is fueled by the people in my life that have integrity and have proven to me they won't change on a dime.

I want Lindsey to be able to come for my birthday weekend also. I miss so many people. Time is really flying, isn't it?

Also, I miss reading for fun.

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

Things keeping me alive lately:

grapefruits

Folders, tons of them

Owen

The professional massage I bought myself months ago for Dec. 2nd (the day i'm done applying)

Plans

Cocoa Butter chapstick

Hot tea, cold tea, bran muffins from work.

New Pillows

Tylenol Sinus

HUGE scarf

Reading the Newspaper everyday

Conversations with my little sister

John's picture text of him sleeping on the couch with his sister's pup.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Songs that have been on repeat:

Bird In Hand - Owen

Clark Gable - Postal Service

Sleepyhead - Alkaline Trio

Queen of Ny - Remy Ma

Red and Blue Jeans - Promise Ring

Check up on it - Beyonce, Sliim Thug, Bun B

Smile On Me - American Steel

Three Miles Down - Saves the Day

At the Bottom - Brand New

Play Crack the Sky - Brand New

Straight to Hell (clash cover)- Lily Allen

Who'd Have Known? - Lily Allen

You and Me - Her Space Holiday

Nobody's Nothing - Owen

Oop

Jus' Sayin.

Cars suck.

Its cold outside. I've been putting so much thought into my applications and future plans that I feel like I'm going to forget my birthday. I think 22 is the start of me not caring about my birthdays anymore.

I was so sick the other night/morning, I thought I was dying. I haven't puked that intensely in so long. I buried myself in a "hide out" in johns bed/baby blue/almost a hoarder room and anytime i'd attempt to get up and put something on besides a mens huge t-shirt and start the day I seriously felt like a slug in slow motion and then would puke. Those crackers he brought home for me, even though I ate about six of them, saved me.  I need to be better to my body. There are so many movies showing in theaters I need to see. I want to go to the Bronx zoo with Kathleen before it gets too cold. These are some snapshots lindsey took in scotland with a disposable camera. 

Also: The village voice published an article about wrongful imprisonment and if every state had a law that the victims of this had to be compensated with a huge sum of money, judges, and court appointed lawyers would have to to a better job defending these (often minorities, or the very poor) people from being thrown into jail without appropriate defense and this will force the "justice" system to make sure these people are actually "guilty" before they are put into the system.

 http://www.villagevoice.com/2009-10-06/news/lonnie-jones-s-head-is-worth-20-000-in-coney-island-thank-the-brooklyn-bloods/

strawberry drops

Okay, this is getting ridiculous, I know i've been being a good girl by saving my money for grad school things but I havent bought a new piece of clothing that wasnt a band tshirt in about 7 months....THAT'S ALMOST A YEAR.....

things I need::

new black jeans

a little black dress

winter boots (sexy style not snow style)

a new winter jacket

a few pencil skirts for interviews

a pair of nice flats

hair accessories

a new pair of air max 90s

to see where the wild things are

new music

a clean room

a massage

a new warm puffy comforter

FUCKKKKKKK.

It's not where you're at, It's where you're going to be.

Im went home to wb. John took me camping, time moves so slow in the woods. It rained hard at night but the tent was amazing and we fell asleep all wrapped up only the sound of rain. I had tons of dreams and john carved this fork things from wood and we cooked hot dogs and we were on the edge of the lake. My rain boots came in handy and living in new york city has made me forget how incredibly breathtaking it is to look at tons of trees turn colors. In two days I take the most important test in my life. I'm not too optimistic. I don't know what the future looks like but for once in my life I really don't mind. 

I've been thinking a lot about comfort zones lately. What is the threshold of comfort or familiarity? How long does it take you to familiarize yourself with something or someone so much that it merits entry into your proverbial "zone of comfort"?? Can you have a comfort zone in a place you've never been? Is a comfort zone some mental, self-induced illusion? Maybe they are logical, real, tangible etc...  Personally, I feel my comfort zone is an odd one. My comfort zone is discomfort. I feel that when things are too comfortable I sit on edge or I find myself constantly waiting for something that I cannot predict or control to come and laugh at me for getting too comfortable. As usual, I don't think I'm making much sense. I know that I've always been drawn towards creating a stable, routine life for myself since I left home because secretly I've always wanted the life where you come home every day to the same house when you're growing up and there isn't ever a question as to if one or both of your parents will be living there. I want that sure life, that life that works without question. I know I atleast want to give that to my children, and since I've never had that life it will be so wonderful to finally experience it, even if I'm grown. 

On a way cooler note, IT'S FUCKING GORGEOUS OUTSIDE HOLY CRAP.!!!@#%^*(

what shuld i dew wit muh hairs?