and like a ghost i'll be gone

Home is so nice for once. I got such thoughtful gifts. My mom is amazing. I baught matching sterling silver rings for me my sister and my mom, we're all married to eachother, it's been like that since day one. no boyz for us.
Then ed, stevie, and brandon picked me up and we just fucked around and then walked around on the black diamond bridge and i almost barfed bc the ice was floating on the water below us and moving really fast and making me dizzy, then we went to eds and drank soda out of wine glasses and played games and watched tee vee and it was really funny. I cant stop consuming foods. The first night i was home i got shamelessly drunk with lindsey and brendan and other people, it was funny, we played kings cup and It was perfect for my first night back at home. I've had so many crazy Italian lasagna christmas dinners i'm so full i'm going to explode.

I'm gonna ball out for the next month on my fat christmas bonus, philly tonight and tomorrow to see the cro MAGZ with lil and thank god i'm going in a car with brandon and ed and not the shitty over priced three hour bus. I have straight a's this semester and a 4.0 average, i'm waiting for one grade though so we'll see. I got a vintage GUCCI crewneck it's sick. i'm rambling. It's cold as fuck. Beyonce and Mariah Carey are god. Christmas is over, thank fuck thank fuck thank fuck.

things always move in a circle and come back to you when you least expect it.
people i thought would always be there are absent, and the people i thought were off long ago were never really all that gone.




anyways. the best gift was the sour patch watermelons and dunkin donuts gift cards and the nice walks i had with certain people and sharing a queen sized bed with my sister everynight and talking about things before bed.

I used to fall asleep so empty, now i just ignore it and fall asleep and let that feeling just become apart of life. fighting feelings doesnt work.

i'm gonna go eat treats. peace. happy birfday jesus

ps. brandon gave me Metamorphosis to read and I like it. I'm also reading this new psych book that came out about insecurity, PRETTY INTERESTIN'.

What else in this room reminds me of you?
The windowsill with a crucified pit of an avocado still sits in water.
What else in this room reminds me of the relationship I’ve ruined.
The tables I made strong enough to hold your magazines,
but not your tired legs.
One more week in this apartment,
one more week of being haunted by the ghost of what should have been.
What else in this fucking empty room reminds me of fucking you?
An orphaned couch where I spent some long nights
while you went out with our friends.
What I wouldn’t do to be a ghost like you, to be somewhere new.
To leave everything,
the way you left everything that reminded you of me.
One more week in this apartment, one more week of being haunted.

good and gooder

Hey Nikki-- Will you be in NYC over the break? I've come up with a
3rd study for a paper i'm working on that looks at the influence of threat on
mind attribution and i think maybe we could do it by having a person be a
released prisoner in one condition and an imprisoned prisoner in the other. I
would love to get it done over the break (maybe the last week) and I was
thinking I could pay you to run subjects for me off of my grant.....


Dr. K


Megan N. Kozak, Ph.D.

Department of Psychology
Pace University


oh my god. dude. i just peed my pants!! paid to work with prison/psych shit and i'm not even a grad student. no fucking way cant wait.

oh and my college bill for this semester is FIVE DOLLARS. WTFFFF.

this war is noise

COOKIES IN THE OVEN
CLEAN ROOMS
ALMOST DONE WITH FINALS
KISSES (NOT GETTING EXCITED)
LAYING IN BED WITH KATHLEEN EVERY DAY
WINE
TWILIGHT
SNAPPLE "EARL GRAY" TEA IS AMAZING TOO
AND STILL LISTENIGN TO EYEHATEGOD ON REPEAT
CANDY CANE SPRINKLES IN THE CAFE
SOUL FOOD BUFFET IN BUSHWICK
LILY MOVES HERE IN 6 MONTHS
RAIN IS BAD THOUGH.
EVERYTHING ELSE, NOT BAD.

thoughts.

this entry is going to be very "random", even though I hate that fucking word.

OKAYYYYY.

a few things:

-People who walk slowly down the middle of the stairs should suck a dick

-I really realy really fucking hate when guys who can't commit to me get jealous when they see me with another guy. I'm really sorry but I don't fucking get it and usually when I get pissed when a dude i like is with another girl I ask the dude to be my boyfriend. Please don't make a small scene while I'm AROUND the new guy and make me feel GUILTY...AS IF I DID SOMETHIGN WRONG.

-Kathleen wants to make a day when only people that LIVE in NYC can be in the city, no tourists allowed day. It'd be amazing.

- We sorta pretended to be tourists and went to see the giant christmas tree in midtown. It was really exciting a bit then we were mauled by like 4 year olds with balloons and strollers and crazy moms.

- On friday I have to get 3 heart tests, one being a bubble test where they inject a bubble into my blood stream and follow it to see if it comes out of the hole in my heart. WOO, i hope somethign goes wrong and I die. My cardiologist saw I was paying out of pocket for these tests and decided to wave the whole feee stating, "You're a kid, you're a mess, look at you, I'm not taking your money" chris says he's just trying to "pipe it" with me. SOME PEOPLE ARE NICE THOUGH.

- I'm trying to like Christmas and not be a total grinch like I normally am. I think I hate christmas because my father's birthday is christmas morning and I just associate it with him more than like holiday festivity shit.

- I'm sorta seeing a boy.. Lily thinks he looks like emile hirsch and kathleen thinks he looks like jake gyllenhall and kim said "he's the hottest dude i've ever seen". it's intimidating, I've never walked down the street with a boy and had girls check him out left and right. He told me he's taking me to a really good pancake place soon. I'm nervous to have sex/be committed and for the first time in my life I think I perfer being alone. It's so much stress to have to call peopl when you say and like semi care what I look like and wonder what someone else is thinking. getting to know someone is sorta rough because i am usually miserable right now.

- I love my friends. Lily visiting for 12 hours, Kathleen being perfect all of the time, Lindseys texts, sagen's work antics...

- My hair is getting super long. I'm liking it more and more, thought about cutting it off but decided no.

- I could eat san loco macho nachos with a lime margarita every day for the rest of my life/eternity.

- Futon's are a really big symbol in my life, ask me one day.

- I'm pretty sure that it's nearly impossible to be Kevin's friend right now. He's just not the guy he was for the last 6 years I've known him and I refuse to accept anything less. I realize that i miss him and when i talk to him that missing feeling doesnt go away because we don't share a head like we used to. In certain ways and certain times I totally see it, when I look at him and we can seriously talk without sayign a word but lately I just see him and I see this like serious ghost of what used to be my favorite human being in the world. Such a bummer.

- A woman at the martz ticket station asked me if I was 16 because that's how old you have to be to ride alone. i just said "are you serious?", she totally was.

- I've never missed the summer so much in my life

- I feel like things are going to start changing soon, I dont know if for better or for worse.

- I want to visit lindsey in upstate ny over break, and bobby in D.C.

- Attntion NYC: get more diners, let me smoke cigs inside, stop having terrorism alerts, be warmer, coney island I want you now, Columbia accept me for graduate psych prgram, WINE.