what?

The world is either totally falling apart, or totally coming together. I really have no idea.

So much has happened in the past few days. Lots of love, little bits of hate, and definitely not alot of sleep. In two months I start to hear back from graduate schools. This is a pointles update but a week ago I was snowed in in Philadelphia and it was really perfect.

I'll talk about actual things soon. Alot is happening in the news. I hate the health care bill.

Not at the end but, already won.

I wanted to do this recap for my own memory benefit, I'm doing it now since I'm gonna be a busy lady with Kelsey + Danielle visiting to do christmasy-stuff, then one last final, then heading to Wb for a week.

I thought of all the bad things fom 2009, and then I decided I won't mention them because I'm trying to focus on the good right? ha. okay So the great moments of 2009:

Starting off in January!!!!!

-Very First boxing class. - Speaking to 3 men on death row over the phone in a covert interview process conducted through Pace University, being exposed to mad facts about the death penalty. -There was this moment where Lily was meeting me in Manhattan and she had just been traveling from Philly, and when I got off the train underground to transfer I knew with every cell in my body I would run into her on the transfer train's platform, I remember walking down the stairs and looking down the whole tunnel to see if I could see her and there she was and I literally sprinted to her all the way at the end. I haven't had an intuition feeling like that since, I just knew she'd be standing there. - Started my half sleeve. - Got IRB governmental approval for my study on the first try. That application is like 30 pages long!! - Took a three hour train along the hudson river to visit Lindsey in upstate NY, made breakfast with her every morning, sang Saves The Day songs in her bedroom as if we were 15 again. - Saw Alkaline Trio!!! - Walked around the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens all day with reen and kimmy, realized I want to get married there. - Me and Kathleen went to celebrate Sagen's birthday at Eldridge and we got to party with Mariah Carey and see her sit 6 feet away from us singing along to her own songs the DJ was playing. - Seeing Title Fight play in a garage duing a thunderstorm. - John Slaby, going to a lame graduation party and having him randomly be there, and us hanging out for a whole week straight after that, not sleeping for that entire week, having my first camping trip at Lake Jean, Coney Island, Brooklyn Aquarium, him taking me to my first pro baseball game, us eating hot dogs, his art shows, camping in an art gallery in Baltimore, him taking care of me after that horrendous burn, playing catch and basketball at Hamilton park, falling insanely in love with him. -Scotland, Scotland, Scotland, my first plane ride. Defending America, drinking REAL whiskey, Scottish breakfasts, sitting at the top of a tiny mountain in the center of the capital city with Lindsey and Jeppy. Learning that I really only care about places because of the people in them. - Steps Falls jumping off of cliffs with WB kids and LI boyz. - Meeting purely wonderful girls and getting to know them: Katie, Danielle, Kels, etc.- Hanging with Bobby some while he lived in NYC, Him getting published in the NY Times. - Eating BBQ with Laura and walking around in a downpour - Nude beach trip with dogpound dudes BFF Jaycox. - Turning 22, seeing the museum of natural history. - Finishing applying to Graduate School.


This year can be summed up with a few of the following songs:























"The show is over, the audience get up to leave their seats, time to collect their coats and go home. They turn around, no more coats and no more home."

crazy in love

snippin' on my bangs.

Goodbye 2009.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/14/nyregion/14juvenile.html?_r=1&sudsredirect=true

"New York Task Force Finds Extreme Crisis in Youth Prisons"

Everyone read that!!

John emailed it to me and brought it to my attention, and I'm so thankful he thought of me and sent it because I don't read the New York Times usually on Mondays because I don't have work. I would have completely missed this reallllllllyyyy good article.

I bought my father a Christmas present (which is also a birthday present since that's his birthday). I haven't bought something for my father that wasn't like a pair of socks or dishes for his shitty "house" in about 4 years. I'm trying this new thing where I try to stop having such high expectations. He will never apologize for things he's done to me because he actually doesn't believe they were wrong....I have to realize that his childhood honestly poisoned him and if I grow up to be this hateful, bitter, scorned daughter, then I'd be ruined just like him. I will never let myself be ruined by some bullshit childhood I was supposed to have, didn't have, or always "wished" I had.

I bought him a basketball and a shirt. Basketball is the only good thing besides tea he likes.

I just got home from the grocery store, I needed toothpaste so badly. I bought pears too. Now I'm waiting to walk down the street and scoop my laundry out of the dryer. I love carrying it down my street, it fills my arms and I can barely see over the pile I'm carrying and it's so warm still from the heat of the dryer that I don't need a coat for that 2 block walk.

I bought myself an early Christmas present. A book to read for pleasure. I bought ....

I wanted to initially stay away from this book because it's some book Oprah recommends and it was reviewed as being a more grown up version of Lord of the Flies. Everyone should read this. I've had it for a little over a day (during finals even) and I'm almost done. It's about the world and a father and son traveling post-apocalyptic Earth, but it's not a week after, it's years and years after when the soil doesn't grow anything and people have formed primitive tribes that are cannibalistic. Even though I'm realllllllyyyy enjoying this book it reminds me about the scariest aspect of psychology. When people find out I major in psychology they think i'm constantly terrified of all of the diseases I'm learning about because welll...sometimes it makes you paranoid you have EVERYTHING, but the scariest thing that I have learned in psychology is that human beings are capable of terrible things, I'm talking, horrible, unimaginable THINGS. This book basically illustrates that catastrophe and desperation can drive people to lose all humanity. Humanity is not natural, in fact survival of the fittest turns the most humane individuals into animals and savages. Everyone has experienced this. Everyone has experienced looking at someone and seeing so much in them, so much infrahumanization, but moments later they are cold and abusive and that is the point when they are capable of anything. And that is what scares me most of all. I think this is why I don't really judge people when they are at their best, however when they are at their worst.

I can't wait to make a mental list of the bests and worsts of 2009. It's gonna be a doozy of a list.

With buried heads we both forget

I don't want anything to do with people that won't be around for the rest of my life.

But it's the truth.

Most updates.

Everyone pay attention for about 15 seconds::::::


http://www.wired.com/techbiz/people/magazine/17-10/ff_smartlist

Everyone read this article concerning 12 ideas that are shocking but could change the world; particularly the section about Purging the prisons, and ending medical privacy. Am I some sort of radical because I've believed most of these things should actually materialize in the near future?

this is one of the most interesting articles I've read in a very long time, it concerns so many feilds, and subfeilds.

John is so sick I seriously think he's dying. All of his symptoms remind me of when I was hospitalized for MONO for 5 days a few years back. If he has mono it'd explain why I'm feeling fine; because I've already had it and am immune, even after sharing all of his foods/bed/drinks/spits.

what I do have is the ugly disease? hahah!! look at this hideous picture of me...



taken by Keith Garcia, at his spot with the cutest leetle pup while we were over watching that boxing match I mentioned a few posts back.

Guts

It's December?

To You

I love you as a sheriff searches for a walnut
That will solve a murder case unsolved for years
Because the murderer left it in the snow beside a window
Through which he saw her head, connecting with
Her shoulders by a neck, and laid a red
Roof in her heart. For this we live a thousand years;
For this we love, and we live because we love, we are not
Inside a bottle, thank goodness. I love you as a
Kid searches for a goat; I am crazier than shirttails
In the wind, when you're near, a wind that blows from
The big blue sea, so shiny so deep and so unlike us;
I think I am bicycling across an Africa of green and white fields
Always, to be near you, even in my heart
When I'm awake, which swims, and also that I believe that you
Are trustworthy as the sidewalk which leads me to
The place where I think of you, a new
Harmony of thoughts. I love you as the sunlight leads the prow
Of a ship which sails from Hartford to Miami, and I love you
Best at dawn, when even before I am awake the sun
Receives me in the questions which you always pose.

- Kenneth Koch



The Boiling Water

Moments might be serious. It is
serious, in such windy weather,
to be a sail
Or an open window, or a feather
flying in the street...

Seriousness, how often I have
thought of seriousness
And how little I have understood
it, except this: serious is urgent
And it has to do with change. You
say to the water,
It's not necessary to boil now,
and you turn it off. It stops
Fidgeting. And starts to cool. You
put your hand in it
And say, The water isn't serious
any more. It has the potential,
However—that urgency to give
off bubbles, to
Change itself to steam. And the
wind,
When it becomes part of a
hurricane, blowing up the
beach
And the sand dunes can't keep it
away.
Fainting is one sign of
seriousness, crying is another.
Shuddering all over is another
one.

A serious moment for the
telephone is when it rings.
And a person answers, it is
Angelica, or is it you.

A serious moment for the fly is
when its wings
Are moving, and a serious
moment for the duck
Is when it swims, when it first
touches water, then spreads
Its smile upon the water...

A serious moment for the match
is when it burst into flame...

Serious for me that I met you, and
serious for you
That you met me, and that we do
not know
If we will ever be close to anyone
again. Serious the recognition
of the probability
That we will, although time
stretches terribly in
between...

- Kenneth Koch



I need to go Christmas shopping.
Steady listening to Nas and Ryan Adams.
I need some new Air Maxs
My "To Do" list is getting shorter
Those two poems are it for me right now.

Close your eyes, sometimes it helps.

I know it is everyone's favorite thing to do nowadays to worship Beyonce, the modern Diva, and I don't blame a soul, she's amazing, but lets not forget the real OG diva....



I'm offically finished applying to graduate school. five months, 7 schools, 3 government standardized tests, and the grand total (I actually added it all up...) is a whopping $1,110 dollars. It sort of makes me sick. I'm really proud of my planning skills that were crucial in order for me to make it so I could AFFORD this...I stopped all spending that wasn't purely food or books or transportation. I couldn't even buy a beer in the last five months without feeling guilty for taking away from my own college fund. For anyone that says you can't do shit because you're poor and your parents don't financially support you, I spit in all of your faces.

Now I'm going to go eat the pint of Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk icecream I bought myself, eating the entire thing....