Monday, July 20, 2009
So my mom has been struggling with issues of agoraphobia (agoraphobia is when you are like paralyzed with fear if you leave your house or go far from it) for the last few months. I've gone home alot to be there for her. Ever since i was little she was strong for me, so it was my time to be strong for her. After begging her to come to the movies with me and watching her literally tell me how much she hates herself because she couldnt bring herself to drive five minutes in the place she's lived her whole life, i knew this was a real problem. She had it during our worst times while i was growing up, it's kind of a product of never feeling safe with any dude she was ever with and her only feeling safe in our house (our most recent house a guy has never lived with me and my sister, it's kinda a family rule, even though she's in a healthy relationship right now he still isnt allowed to spend the night) it's just like that to keep a sort of reassuring safe zone for my sister now since she's the only one who lives there. SOOO. anyway she's been really messed up lately kind of out of nowhere since nothing bad has really happened, that's why i was so caught of guard with all of this new shit. But today, TODAY she had to drive to a seminar for her job as a teacher. We as a family have been preparing her for this for about four weeks. today she had to do it. and she did. i'm so proud of her, she said she had to pull over a bunch because she thought she was going to throw up but after calming herself down and calling me a few times, she totally did it. I'm so proud of her. She gets through tough things like it's her job and it truly is such an inspiration. I love her so much. She called me when she got there and i seriously cried while at work because I was so happy. She doesn't know that though because her worst fear is being a burden to me. But that's impossible because when she needs me im there and when i need her she's right by my side.
I've been working incessantly and tryign to make as much $$$possible for when I go to europe. it hasnt hit me yet that i'm going on my very first plane trip or seeing a different part of the world. I'm really happy with the way things are right now. I'm still always tired and always going going going going. Applying to grad school is the most stressful thing that's happened to me in the last 3 years, easily.