I think pacifists are weak and violence is wrong but I go limp for police and i fight when it's called for

Running away seems to be what I feel like doing lately.
Runnin' away to Lily's bed.




Peter Balakian, Black Dog of Fate
Doris Bergen, War and Genocide: A Concise History of the Holocaust, Rowman & Littlefield
Slavenka Drakulic, S.: A Novel about the Balkans, Penguin Books
Adam Jones, Genocide: A Comprehensive Introduction,
Kazik, Memoirs of a Warsaw Ghetto Fighter,
Fergal Keane, Season of Blood: A Rwandan Journey,
Primo Levi, Survival in Auschwitz,
Donald L. Niewyk, The Holocaust: Problems and Perspectives of Interpretation, Houghton Mifflin
W. G. Sebald, Austerlitz, Modern Library
Art Spiegelman, Maus: A Survivor’s Tale: My Father Bleeds History/ Here My Troubles

Just like a lil snippet of my reading list for my six credit Honors course about Genocide. SOUNDS FUN. SEASON OF BLUDDDDD

I need to get laid
I need to clean my room
I need to make a to do list
Wilkes-barre bands invade Ny this weekend.
Then I invade philly the weekend after that
Then I invade W-b after after that.

All of my roomates are laying on my bed watching Romeo and Juliet.
Gotta join the party.

ny, philly, wb, ny, philly, wb.

I realized that getting older just means realizing that everything that has always mattered, always will, and all the things that didn't will find a way to leave on their own.

I'M PRETTY SURE I'M DEAD

thanks patrick...

Sorry about that

if i'm sinking and laughing at something sunken in, i am

it feels exciting touching your handwriting

getting horny by reading it and repeating poor

meintently staring at the picture of your feet

on the sticker

at the r. crohn's exhibit,

i wonder who's sicker

jerking off in an art museum john till my dick hurts

the kind of shit i won't admit to my head shrinker

not even in a whisper to my own little sister

i just act like a dick and talk shit when i'm with her

aught six i'll say the friday before easter

was not good i cried to myself in the pisser

and with you in the front row at the silver jews show

and you act like you didn't notice, my fear of the bear

at showbiz pizza when i saw six was overwhelming and not dissimilar to this

if i'm sinking and something sunken in, i am

at jacob han's on tour i wake uphung over on a hardwood floor

from a dream about how your dress

hangs off of your little breasts

i'd rather be dead than call this song

how i lost your respect but god bless or get neglected

and i'll see you when the sun sets east, don't forget me

This is a song Erica put on the mix she brought me this weekend. It's sexy and amazing and wonderful. WHY? is a good band, not really totally my thing but this song is a jam nonetheless. I also got an awesome mix from Matt who came in to the brooklyn and came to Kathleens birthday party. Seeing people vomit is still so weird to me. I can't even form a proper paragraph right now. why am i updating..

Went with Matt and Brendan and Knelly to 5 points, I'd never been there before. We saw half naked models and shitty foreign writers and I went on the 7 train for the first time. I feel like I fell back in love a little bit with New York this weekend. I'm never leaving. 5 points was definitely a good thing to see, the stair climb made my calves sore today. Bought an apple. I sat on the ground alot this weekend. I'm always dirty and always thirsty. Kevin texted me from a Detroit hospital to say he got in an accident and broke a few ribs. Life is bizare. I don't miss anyone anymore. I just absolutely love my friends. I need to do the dishes.

I'm finally home alone after having about 6 people sleeping here everynight and it's sort of strange. I thought I'd be more pumped, maybe I'll take a bath, but then I would have to disinfect the entire gross tub beforehand and thats tons of work. I saw two cardinals this month so far. I've gotten 4 hours of sleep in the last 2.5 days. I'm delerious. My bed looks good from here.

(PHOTOS BY MATT WREN) MHM.

Lists are always better:

smores

new sneakers

itchy legs

"snacks rule"

popeyes and beer

slowly losing my amazing memory

shitty handwriting

getting hit on by 15 year olds

lime ade

I just got a phonecall from Kathleen who's watching Lil wayne right now and she held the phone up so I could hear him. HE'S SILLY. he sounds like kermit the frog in real life too!!

I feel like everyone is questioning stuff lately. I'm excited for school

There's four thousand balloons in my hallway. I hope Kathleen's flowers don't die before she gets home from baltimore.

At work we made rose biscotti and my skin smells like sugar and roses. So pretty actually.

my new jam for the rest of the summer..

indian summer by pedro the lion

so good.

My bed is calling my name. Cya interweb.

touch my body

This photo is from the fourth of July, alot was different then. I love the Market Hotel Parties, this night not so much because I was basically breaking up with Ian who is awkwardly sitting across from me in this photo. That was over a month ago. I took this picture from AKIME's blog, thanks to akime! http://www.whatsupbrahh.blogspot.com/ ( a friend of ben and jay's). ..

Right now I'm getting lifted with my friends listening to Mariah Carey's greatest hits. What can be bad in all that good? I want to go on a date and see Pineapple Express.

The other day, this one cumstomer at the coffee shop I work at who comes in constantly, Nate, brought me a book he thought I'd like. It was so thoughtful. He was dead on to give it to me because I love it, It's apparently about this poor kid and he's writing it from prison. I love it.

"I think my mother was always faithful to my father's infedelity"
Before Night Falls by: reinaldo arenas

I went to the Market Hotel last night actually had some good roof time with Ben and Erica. Wine with sour patch kids at the bottom rules.






Also this weekend the EARLY BIRDS, came to stay with me. By far the best band to sleep over EVER. they were so much fun, props to matt for running around in the freezing fire hydrents at 5 am. stayed up till the sun came up so I could go to work at 6 am. Matt and Elko went all the way into the shitty with me to walk me to work, nicest thing a boy has done for me in a long time.

walked around times square when it was dead, it looked like a ghost town. havnt laughed that hard for days in a long time. So many good things. wished they stayed forever. I love good guys, love my stoop, love walking around bushwick meeting PIMPS, love the early birds for letting us ride in their hot box van. You guys are the best.




I'm forgetting alot. I'll update more later.

i would die for you

My mom and sister came to visit. We three women have dealt with some heavy bullshit in our last 20 years together. My favorite thing about my mother is that she has an ability to get fucked over by someone, move on, and then look at them again with such purity and forgiveness. I think since she always had that while I was growing up I took the opposite road. I am in a rut, yes, but when my mother touches my face, or pinches my tattoos in disdain, or when she notices new freckles on my arms, I cannot help but think everything will be fine. When things were bad in the past she would just look at me while we were sitting in another shitty situation, smile, and say "I know this will be okay", and it always was because we were usually laughing. "oh hahah I guess it can get worse.." Even when we didn't even have a house for a small part of my life. I'd never trade sharing a bed with her and my baby sister in my aunts attic for anything, even though it was 107 degrees that horrible summer, and we had nothing.

My dad can't pay his phone bill this month. Guess who will? Probably me.




Alright, enough of that. I have been smoking WAY too much lately. I'm listening to Trash Talk non-stop and none of my clothes fit me the right way. All I want are popcicles and swimming. and pancakes.




ask Him if He wants me to come home
If He says He's seen me changing all our plans to suit my own
Will you apologize or stand behind the selfish moves we've made
While learning life is strange and people change and circle round again



i saw a woman spank a baby today. it made me sick.

it isn't a party if it happens everynight.

I love reading my book from my "Sociology of Violence" class 2 years ago. Best class I've ever taken in my life. My professor was this little young woman who would show us clips from Faces of Death and I also took this class with about 7 police officers and I'd just get into these heated debates with them about racial profiling or how just because a person has been to jail doesn't mean they're fucking evil. I love reading over this book, it has some really good points about the psychology of violence, the patterns of urban violence, and investigative psychological profiling of those that act out violently.

"violence is the intrument not merely of the criminal disorderly, but of the most upright and honorable"

Justin left the book EXTERMINATOR, by burroughs here at my apartment, so I guess that's my new bookfriend for the next few days/weeks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

August looking forward toos....

This weekend...

-my mom and sister and coney island

-Laying in the grass in central park on sunday with Laura, even though I hate central Park alot. I want icecream.

- EARLY BIRDS show in Long Island on the 4th

August 10th-Kathleen's Birthday Extravaganza.

We're making lobster and will probably be naked and like chilling in this huge apartment on 6 ave because Kelsey is apartment sitting. Everyone come. Lily, Kathleen wants you there, just close your eyes when we boil the lobstaz.

August 16th - Kevin has a show at the cake shop...my favorite venue in the whole city.

still gotta get him something good for his just past 20th birthday

This is hardcore with Lily and friends and getting out of NYC once again. Having two weeks at the end of august of no work, maybe going to cap cod with kathleens family.

I might journey back to wilkes-barre during that two weeks. I want to hang with my big brother and check up on that side of the family.

In other news the recent shit that's been laid upon my life and my loved one's lives is only good because I feel so bonded with my best friends. I feel super close to all of them right now and it is so nice to be sure of a few important people and things in life, even while so much is unstable and unpredictable.

I lost tons of weight this month and I'm not happy about it. I don't like change much at all, especially not with my body. MY BOOBS SHRUNK. ugh. I love curves and I'm losing what few curves I had. fuck fuck fuck.

Also, why do I get myself into the worst situations lately? Me and Kathleen always talk about what we find pefect in certain guys and I want to make note of some of these...

My perfect dude would be..

-someone that would never "do" their hair

-someone that isn't really hairy in general, yuck

-someone SILLY, and sorta mean, and sort of aggressive, but thoughtful

-someone with a good memory, that remembers little things

-a guy that will make fun of things about me, I love that

-someone that listens to alkaline trio, obv.

-someone that has a squishy body, not too many muscles.

-someone that isnt LAZY

-someone good in bed

-someone who makes plans

-someone that is always on time, and sticks to his word

-someone that has integrity and loyalty

-someone that isn't too involved with drinking and drugs

-oh, he can't wear flip flops ever, boys and flip flops suck. and girl jeans. that's a no.

-someone that is very independent

-someone that will do it with me in public places

-someone that will make efforts to love my friends

-someone that isn't moody

Also, I have been having wacky dreams lately, last night I had a dream I was holding kevin's hand and I got burned. Kelsey slept over and told me I grabbed her hand in bed in the middle of the night. hahahahahah sorry Kelsey.

Burning: To see something burning, indicates that you are experiencing some intense emotions and/or passionate sexual feelings. There is some situation or issue that you can no longer avoid and ignore.? Alternatively, it may suggests that you need to take time off for yourself and relax.

WORD.

Since I'm still celebrating getting as basically full ride to college again, this is my schedule for the fall....

The Holocaust & Modern Genocides (6 credits)

History/Systems in Psychology

Experimental Psychology 1

The Psychology of Learning

I might also add on a Criminal Justice class, I miss those so much.

what else? my mom's second divorce is final. wooo another one bites the dust!

SAA BASHTON (1:36:11 PM): JONAS BROTHERS CONCERT TO SEE NICK JONAS AKA MY BOYFRIEND<3333333333333333333333>

olive and well (1:36:17 PM): you're a faggot

SAA BASHTON (1:36:24 PM): shut up i fucking love them i dont care

SAA BASHTON (1:36:28 PM): theyre beautiful

olive and well (1:36:42 PM): bring one home and marry his little boy self

SAA BASHTON (1:36:48 PM): I WILL

SAA BASHTON (1:36:52 PM): i bring you home one too

my little sister is so freaky.