Nose Over Tail

why not

2010-06-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

www.sayitinslugs.tumblr.com

Prettiest outdoor weddin'

2010-06-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

it isn't like it was back when we were young

2010-06-18T21:27:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm missing new york....

----------------------------------------------------------

But I'm closer to...

and that's what's right for me right now.

please be alive

2010-06-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

One sidewalk
May hide another, as when you're asleep there, and
One song hide another song; a pounding upstairs
Hide the beating of drums. One friend may hide another, you sit at the
foot of a tree
With one and when you get up to leave there is another
Whom you'd have preferred to talk to all along. One teacher,
One doctor, one ecstasy, one illness, one woman, one man
May hide another. Pause to let the first one pass.
You think, Now it is safe to cross and you are hit by the next one. It
can be important
To have waited at least a moment to see what was already there.

I chopped down the house that you had been saving to live in next summer.
I am sorry, but it was morning, and I had nothing to do

Kenneth Koch

Two rings on one finger, bare feet are the best feet. The last 24 hours have really slowed me down in my tracks. Its funny to see myself in moments when I'm totally speechless, when a situation overcomes me and the occurence of the event freezes my thinking. I remember when I spent a year like that, yesterday was different, it was the type of thing that was fast and made me feel the feeling you get when you forget to chew enough and you swallow too much and you choke for 2 1/2 seconds and for one of those seconds you're conviced you'll never breathe again.

Gimme

2010-06-16T11:44:00.001-07:00

I'll keep you wild

2010-06-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

Everything is easy because of you.

2010-06-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

Snowpeas

2010-06-14T23:28:00.000-07:00

I started my job. I've worked tons and it feels amazing. It's already mid-June. I hate north philadelphia and frankly, my current living situation is really annoying so I've been hiding out with my best friend and will probably couch surf/john's room surf for the next month. I kind of am mentally exhausted and in brooklyn withdrawl. It's strange to live here, I haven't fully adjusted. I love being close to so many good friends and John and I got my bike fixed and we went for a ride and he took me on the bike path by the river and it was perfect. Recently I've been in a strange mood. It's hard to articulate it. I'm excited to spend the whole weekend in wilkes-barre for an outdoor wedding. Lots of romper wearing and laziness after working all day for the last four days. I sort of need to catch my breath but I'm not sure why. I feel like I'm never alone anymore and that sort of overwhelms me. I was alone basically 85% of my days in NYC and moving again in a month is annoying. I hate feeling restless and reliant on things and people. My body is sore, I think it's because I experience stress physically since I constantly deny myself of reacting mentally to it.

If I am a stranger now to you, I will always be.

2010-06-11T00:03:00.000-07:00

I should have known.

spines

2010-06-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

At my wedding I don't want normal flowers, I want cacti, blooming cacti, short cacti, and tall cacti. The cactus is so underrated as a plant, it endures anything, it rarely needs anything from the person that owns it (just needs to be thought of once a week or less), and if you're lucky, it will bloom one huge flower for you. It doesn't waste it's time with a zillion little flowers. Just one or two big ones, bright, and they bloom in the desert, where flourishing life is almost impossible. I gave John a cactus the first month we were dating. It's little and in the kitchen and I named it "dusty." I think I want to identify with a cactus.

I also like cacti because they defend themselves in such a deadly, aggressive way, but only if you touch them. They sit still until they need to.

Bones and

2010-06-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

Teeth seriously freak me out so much.

If you don't know already, you should probably be informed, even TWITTER knows now...

2010-06-08T20:30:00.001-07:00

http://www.omg-facts.com/view/Facts/4842

2010-06-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

Graduation gift to myself.

Side Booty.

My summer jam:

I'm addicted, it's a crisis.

2010-06-06T14:06:00.000-07:00

Date night? Nah, Date morning.

Watch Instantly

2010-06-05T10:37:00.000-07:00

Do you realize that a corporation went to Bolivia, bought all their water sources, then tried to SELL the water back to the people living on $1 a day in their own land?

666

2010-06-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

i love window sills as bookshelves

I'm finally feeling at home

and I got a job callback/interview!!

Baltimore today with John

Sans Jeppy and Lindsey, last night really made me feel at home here. It's a good feeling that usually comes with people instead of the real place, I've been spending alot of time alone in my room to conserve money and it also makes me feel like if I stare at something long enough (my new bedroom) it will feel like mine and that it's here to stay (even though things are rarely here to stay). It's nice to feel supported and so welcomed and it's so nice that John can bike to my house at 3 am when I'm laying in bed and can't sleep.

Good Morning

2010-06-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

My braid is almost dipping into my mug. whoops.

2010-06-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

Fakin' it on heels, bum knee, wedding two weeks ago.

amazing.

2010-06-02T12:09:00.001-07:00

give it a go

2010-06-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

Scab

2010-05-31T15:55:00.000-07:00

As I sit here eating a pint of blueberries (the slightly pink ones are the best), my to-do list is vague. I hate that. I do need to write a letter though. And I"m sick of allergies. I'm sick of not being in school, I don't have much to say if I'm not in school. I wish I had money to buy new clothes and fun books and do whatever I wanted this summer. But I need to save for the new bills I have such as private health insurance and paying for a summer class out of pocket. This will all be part of the "sacrafice" I look back on when I have my degree right? ha.

It's when you start to dream about good things, that's when you should worry about death

2010-05-31T11:04:00.000-07:00

best book, best movie

tired

2010-05-29T22:36:00.000-07:00

A Short List:

I'm flat-minded lately
wine is my new favorite drink besides tequila
I want to go swimming and jump off something
I want to sleep outside
Blueberries
when does adjusting stop feeling temporary?
Big. enormous. bed.
Kelsey bought me a strawberry eclair at wegman's today for graduating college and I realized that was the only graduation gift I got.
Is it weird that I want walks down the street with you holding my bag of groceries for me for forever?

And I'm not sure if we belong here, if I ever really left, or If I can go home.

2010-05-29T13:20:00.000-07:00

"He is the one that will turn to his friends and say, 'that's her.'”

We've been burned by all our fears.
Just from growing up around here.
Our father's factories marked our cars.
While Eden burned against the stars.

I was a boy in Grandma's arms.
A mother's pride and a wounded heart.
And I was full with fiery wonder.
You wore Audrey Hepburn pearls.
You were the only one who understood me then and the only one who will.

be the cover when it's rough

2010-05-27T15:26:00.000-07:00

I'm here. I still need to sort through about four garbage bags of clothing. But I'm finally in the same city as my grad school, my boyfriend, and many of my friends. Outside of my window a pit bull sits in his backyard and I've been looking at him constantly, I'm trying to figure out the perfect name for him. I miss Kathleen, and had a great night with Laura packing up and leaving new york city. It's weird to live here and have no more ties to the city i've lived in the last four years.

John moved everything on his own into the cargo van we rented, didn't need me to lift anything.

My knee is almost completely healed. I can finally start working.

letting it go

2010-05-24T07:53:00.000-07:00

Show, icecream with the cutest family and twins, getting off crutches, wedding, angelos, fine arts fiesta, baking yummy cookies and making smoothies, phillies game, fighting and hating, loving and kissing.

I caught the bouquet at the wedding: fyi...I had my arms folded and stood in the back and it flew into my body, then I was assaulted by at least two girls and it was ripped RIPped away and shredded.

Now I'm back in new york to pack and cry and say bye to the couple of people I'm close to here and then off I move to another city.

Everything is really great. Except for the fact that grad school is costing me $800 a credit. ugh my stomach just turned doing all the math and adding everything up for the next five years. I have to go to school year round, nonstop, and start my dissertation in a year for it to be done within five years. barf.

dis·ser·ta·tion (dĭs'ər-tā'shən)
n. A lengthy, formal treatise, especially one written by a candidate for the doctoral degree at a university; a thesis.

I have nowhere else to be.

2010-05-20T18:08:00.000-07:00

You were trying to kill me
With a hundred knives
You were trying to kill me
In my heart one hundred times

tatted on his chest

2010-05-20T10:57:00.001-07:00

just a thought

2010-05-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

top 5 saddest songs of all time.

2010-05-19T21:45:00.001-07:00

i've always been someone who avoided goodbyes. I regret it when I hear that person's name in passing or make eye contact with them years later. I'll get used to the idea that it's not you. goodbye.

I'll shine up his gun with the corner of my weddin' dress

2010-05-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

bonnie and clyde

haven't seen you in three weeks.

2010-05-12T15:04:00.000-07:00

Time to celebrate.

http://nudashank.com/current.html
http://nudashank.com/current.html
http://nudashank.com/current.html
http://nudashank.com/current.html
http://nudashank.com/current.html
http://nudashank.com/current.html

almost walking...

2010-05-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

I think it just hit me how amazing and bright my life has become in the last year.

Happy Mother's Day.

2010-05-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

It wasn't always perfect but it was perfect. Companions through thick and thin and thinner and thinnest.

I don't even have to try

2010-05-08T12:03:00.000-07:00

i am the luckiest

2010-05-05T17:26:00.000-07:00

For the last 24 hours I was totally confined to a wheel chair. I have some syndrome of the knee cap that has a really long name but whatever, I'm working my way up to crutches. Losing my independence is honestly driving me nuts and I'll be damned if I need two men to help lift me into a car ever again. The pain was so bad when my uncle picked me up out of bed that I needed to bite on a towel because I couldn't control myself from yelling "FUCK" or "NO" and my mom was affraid someone would hear me and call the cops. One day this will be funny.

when you feel embarrassed, I'll be your pride.

2010-05-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

So I completely cannot walk. Xrays, 7 hours waiting to see a doctor, ace bandages, painkillers, anti-inflamatory pills, etc...my knee just will not work for at least a few days. My thesis was approved though so I'm graduating in exactly a week. On the day I'm supposed to walk across the stage at Radio City Music Hall me and John are gonna walk around the city together "like we did when we first met" he said. haha.

I've never had a love like this. Its so mature and it's a real partnership. I called John crying yesterday because I totally fell apart at school and could not stand or walk on my own and he's the only person I don't feel like I'm inconveniencing when I call him crying. In my past relationships I was always loved, but I was always third priority or constantly expected to be strong because well, I normally am. John has this way of being sympathetic without being condescending and I can feel how he actually considers my pain his own pain and I am so lucky that in the midst of such horrible luck with my body (i need to do so much running around this week for finals and graduating) that I have someone that can say all the right things at exactly the right times.

tHANKGOd for kathleen basically carrying me home today. Crying in public is not something that I am really cool with doing. Now it looks like I'm home bound for at least two days until I can hopefully walk. Do i really need to talk about how awful, deplorable, ineffective, and tedious the "free" health care system is? Because as I was holding myself up with the registration counter at the clinic and they told me to come back in 8 hours. Tears pouring down my face because my foot had gone numb and the pain from my knee was shooting into my shin. 8 hours later a doctor saw me. whatver, nothing new.

A lil pitbull dog was walking by me while i was limping/crying trying to get to the train and he LICKED my knee for at least three minutes. cutest thing ever getting love from him. His owner was freaked out I think that I was just like sobbing/22 yrs old/holding a cane...

there isn't anything that I need.

2010-05-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I traveled to philly to sign my lease with Blair. Everything is happening. Then me and danielle and brianna and blair went to the hospital to visit miss kelsey and we all talked for two hours and it broke my heart to see her so exhausted and sick and uncomfortable. I cannot believe how much time I've wasted with people that do not appreciate me or have selective memory and never remember the good. Spontaneously we all walked into some tattoo spot and I figured since I'm moving to Philly I should welcome myself by FINALLY getting tattood there, it's the Elliott Smith tattoo I've been wanting for a while, everyone talked me out of getting it on my hand, thank god. It says "Either/Or" :my favorite album of his. You can't see it at all and its backwards because its a computer photo but you get the idea. Need to start throwing things out from my room. My uncle (who basically is my father figure) bought me a new desk and its waiting for me at home. Summer starts in one week. John's paintings are really coming together for his show and I love each one and wish I could buy all of them. Jess said she can probably get me a job at Fork etc... If only I had a cosigner for my loans and could for sure go to school and I didnt have a swollen face from allergies life would be perfect. I'm so exicted to get away for a weekend with John on the 14 and um, did I mention LINdsey o' brien is moving to philly too? Hi wtf too good. Brianna made brownies at 3 am for her man while we watched Match Point and they were the most perfect midnight snack.

Burned is the house

2010-04-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

"And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I love your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your face and hold your hand and go for a walk and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy's and talk about the day or talk about your day and and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don't listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you're sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my sweatshirts and never be able to find it and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep in for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your tits your arse your...

and sit on the steps sitting till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps till you come home and worry when you're late and be amazed when you're early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance and be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you're angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face and tell you you're gorgeous and hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand how you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you and wonder who you are but i accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don't believe me and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don't want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it's empty without you and want want you want and think I'm losing myself but know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less and answer your questions when I'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really dont' want to and try to be honest because I know you know everything I would hate for other people to know about me, and you for some reason you still love me. I know you prefer it and think it's all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it's a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and have sex with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you."

we've been in love for 8 years

2010-04-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

SIGH:::::::::::::

always with me through all my major ~~life changes~~

give me your tomorrow

2010-04-25T12:26:00.001-07:00

Finally saw John for the first time in three weeks. We got dinner at Honey's and were almost the only people in the whole place. He gave me a wallet he had when he was little that has "bad john" written on it in pen on the inside. I havent had a wallet in about three years. I like having his old things as my new things. He did some painting and I went on walks with danielle and looked at an apartment wiht Blair that I think we have in the bag which I"m crossing my fingers we do because it's perfect and gorgeous and theres trees outside the windows and I haven't had that since I lived at home. A cat visited John while he was in his studio and he took that picture.

I cannot take enough allergy pills or eat enough icecream right now.

three finals, no more papers, one thesis approval left until I'm free.
John is going to lend me a few of his framed paintings to hang in the new apartment. this was the nicest thing to hear. I can't wait to live in a new city and have his artwork all over the place I live.

three weeks of school left cannot concentrate

2010-04-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

I serve coffee all day and this song played today, i thought it good.

2010-04-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

I want everything with you la la la la la la la la.

oh and...via B. Collins....

you're three states away

2010-04-18T17:38:00.000-07:00

This weekend made me realize how much I'm going to miss NYC. I'm always so attatched to things on their way out. My neighborhood, the things I see everyday on my way to work or school...

This place turned me from an 18 year old girl who just broke it off with her boyfriend to move to a place where she knew no one while her family was totally falling apart.. into a self sufficient, grateful, 22 year old doctoral student that has proven to myself that I can honestly do anything on my own. I learned how to "make it" in the toughest place in the country to do so and thrived. I feel like I would have failed in any other city for some reason but Nyc taught me how to be small but strong and really love the feeling of being totally invisible.

Thank god I spent this weekend with two amazing girls at my favorite place. Coney Island. Cheese fries, freak shows, icecream, wind, junkyard dogs guarding a ferris wheel, seeing the ocean, being so excited to start the next chapter of my life in a new place and hope it's as good to me as New York has been. I wonder where I'll be after the next 4-5 years, I can see a blurry picture in my head of what it might look like and I like what I see. I like the people I see with me in this mental image.

Favorite song lately.
it just says it all.

You aint a killer

2010-04-14T18:56:00.000-07:00

This is SO 2005......

Can you name everyone you kissed in '10?
John Slaby, at least 3 babies, at least 15 dogs.

Two people who can always calm you down?
John, Kathleen, My sister

Do you still talk to the last person you kissed?
ya

Do you think a lot of people think/talk bad about you?
I wish they'd just tell me, itd make life more interesting.

Name one person you wish you could fix things with?
"you're saying you're leaving so leave then"

How was today?
I wrote a 9 page paper in three hours and found free pizza in the student union and went to dance class which is basically my own stress ~outlet at this time.

Your ex is at your front door! What do you do?
be incredibly confused. give him all of his stuff?

How do you think tomorrow will be?
working at 6 am, class with a dumbass professor, giving myself an at-home pedicure

What are you excited for?
moving, John's art show, summer of love 2010

Could you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
Oh yeah she'd be DTF

Why aren't you with the person you like?
Because he lives like two hours away and has to live in a cave and produce paintings while I live in a somewhat different looking cave and do school work. We communicate often from said caves.

Do you ever get "good morning" texts from anyone?
yes! today it was "goodmorning little love"

When did you last straighten your hair?
Atlantic City vacay

Do you know anyone who should not wear tight clothes?
this is a stupid question.

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
hap pee er

Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?
no

Is there a difference between love and in love?
barf

Is there anyone you wish you could be spending time with right now?
oh yeah

What's something that bothers you about girls?
this is a stupid question. girls rule, boys mostly suck.

Is your life falling apart or coming together?
coming together

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
I dont ever

Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
anybody

Could things possibly get any better?
It would be May 15

Today, would you rather go forward a week or back a week?
forward one day, or forward one month

Have you ever copied someone else's homework?
boring

Did anything make you smile today?
how sweet and yum the mango I bought yesterday turned out to be

Do you know who your best friend's currently interested in?
omg i loveeee

You kissed someone today, didn't you?
KISSSS ME ON THE PHONEEEE

Do you ever apologize first?
SURE

Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you laughed together?
wtf

Who is the first person you see in the morning on school days?
my alarm clock, the first person that walks down the street when I leave the house in darkness

Is there a guy that knows everything about you?
a few know a little, a couple know alot, only one matters.

Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
i WISH someone could make me feel awkward

Could you go a day without eating?
can i got three hours? probably not

Who made you laugh last?
when a girl in my criminal investigation class talked about a case where a cyote ate a baby and the primary evidence is that studies have shown that cyotes actually can take a baby's clothes off without tearing them. UM. I COULDNT CONTROL LAUGHING WTF

Who has seen you cry the most?
I don't really cry unless its out of happiness. so "mad" is probably a more appropriate questions...and that would be my mom or anyone thats seen me yell at a guy in a bar.

Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try again?
whatever

Do you want to be single?
no

Were you intoxicated the last time you threw up?
yup. also wasn't in a bathroom.

This world, it owes you nothing.

2010-04-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

This weekend is heavily needed. On Friday I get to have a lunch date with my mom and then Brianna and Danielle are coming to the city and we'll hang out and we're trecking to Coney Island to pretend its already summer and then I'm excited to see Tigers Jaw at the Johnson house and then come home to Kimmy's birthday party. Its going to be jam packed.

I've been in a rut lately. I skipped class tonight to write my Mumia Abu-Jamal paper and I went to the grocery store and set up my own personal buffet of grapes, mango slices, sesame seed crackers, two choc. oatmeal cookies, and salad with tomatos and goat cheese.

Right now I'm sitting in this huge shirt I bought in Scotland and trying to resist pulling the covers over my head because being sad is okay because its better than angry, its better than feeling nothing. So I'll keep listening to my sad mix with my cell phone turned off because needing things only kills you slowly.

My thesis is done. I rule.

Peach

2010-04-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

I lost my USB, the only thing that has my 25 page thesis saved on it.

Perfection

2010-04-08T15:19:00.000-07:00

I can't stay up late anymore. I don't like night time. I like to be asleep as soon as possible everyday lately.

WHERE GRAVITY IS DEAD

2010-04-07T19:11:00.001-07:00

I have some things to say:

I HAD A DREAM ABOUT POP TART FLAVORED DRINKS

YOU'RE A BITCH, I WASTED TOO MUCH TIME WITH. THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO FUCKING SAY TO ME? HAVE FUN BEING MISERABLE YOU'RE A LIFE-SUCKING VORTEX. YOU'RE WEAK, A CHEAPSKATE, A LIAR, AND INCAPABLE OF EMPATHIZING WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS.

SKIN CANCER IS TERRIFYING

STUPID PROFESSORS ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE

APRIL FUCKING SUCKS

I AM ALWAYS AHEAD.

YOU'RE TOO SKINNY AND ARE GROSS. FIX YOUR GODDAMN HAIR.

I AM GRADUATING MAGNA CUM LAUDE.

ICED TEA WILL ALWAYS BE MORE REFRESHING THAN WATER.

FLARED JEANS ARE UGLY.

I FEEL LIKE ALOT OF PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEMSELVES IN THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER, WEED, BEING DEPENDENT ON THEIR PARENTS, OR LAZINESS. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER PEOPLE.

I NEED TO GET TATTOOD. NEED. MUST. NECESSARY. NEED.

COPS STILL FUCKING SUCK TOO.

Cant say I'm sad to see you go.

2010-04-05T11:25:00.001-07:00

I need to get new polariod film since they started selling it again in March.
I had so many people pick me up while hugging me this weekend, you know what I mean? When someone embraces you so hard they lift you off the ground a little and for one second totally support your weight? That feels really good.
Also, A dog sleeping at the foot of your bed is heaven.

Mom making me breakfast... her touching my face telling me to take a nap, her telling me I look older (weird).... Sitting in a parkinglot in the sun with 3 friends, including Bobby, catching up.

John bought me a new backpack for school and put this secret note in the front pocket. I lov.

I'm going to try and write La Salle a letter about my financial situation and hope they'll give me even more funding. ugh. whatever. If things are hard/exhausting/difficult that means you're doing it right, right?

Currently double fisting the end of a burrito I saved from six hours ago and a box of nut clusters my mom gave me. Ravenous.

Forget the things we swore we meant.
I'll write you just to let you know that I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not, no I'm not.

Things I'm really feeling lately:

-Sundowner
-Mental
-Bane
www.nowinnershere.tumblr.com
-Cover songs
-Sephora's face primer...um I got this as a free sample and it totally changed the way makeup sits on my skin. I'm in love.
and Built to Spill

-Obama changing the federal sentencing disparities with cocaine.

Pro Familia

2010-04-03T07:14:00.000-07:00

If you are good to me, and true to me, I will do anything for you. I'll will go miles for those people. If you dismiss me, the way I feel, or everything about me just goes right over your head, I'll turn my back on you in the blink of an eye.

Home is amazing, so many great kids. I got some new high waisted shorts and things from thrifting and spent the whole day with my mom and went to sleep early with my dog at the end of my bed. Tonight John comes home, I haven't hung out with him for the night in three weeks. Bobby also comes home, and Jeppy. I need to wash my hair and eat a sesame seed bagel with Oj. Bye ya'll

Atlantic City girl vacay

2010-03-31T20:25:00.000-07:00

sober.

drunk

The American Nightmare

2010-03-29T08:54:00.000-07:00

some thangs

An article from the Seattle Post:

"Consider this: Over the past 30 years, the 32 percent gap between the percentage of low-income students and wealthy students attending college has barely budged, researchers have found.

And at the nation's top 19 schools, only 6 percent of those graduating in 1999 were the first in their family to attend college, according to the new book "Equity and Excellence in American Higher Education."

A University of Washington survey revealed that 11.6 percent of the 2004 freshman class came from families earning less than $25,000 a year, while 37 percent belonged to families making $75,000 or more.

Going to college is not the only answer to poverty, but a four-year degree raises the odds that someone will make the leap to a stable, middle-class life. "

Only 8.6 percent of all of the U.S. graduates from a four-year college were raised below the poverty line. Those statistics are INSANE

I REALLY am interested to find out how many people born in poverty went on to actually earn doctorates too.

probably less than two percent.

As I sit at my school writing this stupid paper about crack cocaine sentencing disparities I can't help but be bogged down by how much the odds are against me. Hi, United States of America, I'm tryign REALLY hard not to perpetuate the cyclical nature of my family pattern of drug use, prison, divorce, and poverty, can you throw me a goddamn bone?

If I don't get approved for my loan without a cosigner, and I have to tell school "hey cya next time when I have money..." I'll lose it. I only can take so much. School was always something I committed to 100% because its garunteed to give back to me if I just work hard enough. Well, I've worked hard enough, now I need all of this to work out.

This almost caused me to have a nervous breakdown so my girlfriend since I was ten came to my house soaking wet from the rain in the middle of the night to hug me.

I'm so mad its hard for me to concentrate on this paper.
Tonight I'm making ravioli stuffed with chicken sausage and sundried tomatoes. I need to do the dishes, I need to sort clothes out that I can sell, I need to take out the trash, I need to prepare my thesis for completion by May 7th.

Thankgod John bought me a North Face shell bc this rain would be hell without it or my rain boots.

She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon.

You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood.

She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped and you fell. All your tomorrows start here.

SEEYAYSARZ

2010-03-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

So Atlantic City was insane.

Pictures soon. I think in some I'm hanging out with a 20 ft cement horse, jumping in the Casino's water fountain in my heels, and my friends and I were callled out by some millionaire and used as his good luck charms and I sat next to one million dollars and he threw around thousands of dollars and won 5 grand. I was just speechless and half sick and gasping while this was happening and I was drinking PaTrOn on IcE. I'm sad that vayCray is over because April is going to suck alot. I miss you

I filled John in constantly about everything becuse it was all amazing. Everything was sparkly and blinking and flashing. Thank god he loves my sloppy crazy ass because thats all Ive been for the last two days.

Put a Cherry on top, whip cream it up.

2010-03-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

Going on a little spring break trip. Bustin' this mane out just because Erica said it's my best accessory. Almost been 9 months with John. Time flies. I've been feeling really loved this week from all of my friends. Thankyou girls and boys.

I hate gettin' toothache

2010-03-22T11:34:00.000-07:00

plans for April:::

Home for Easter
Let my fingernails grow
Danielle and Brianna and Nikki do Coney Island
A day spent with my sister and mom getting our hair done
Get to know my future roomate non-stop
Cancel all nyc bank accounts.
take in my brown jeans
Switch my address to John's for the summer
Get A's on all of my finals (pfft)
work my way up to forty pushups, and hopefully ONE one-handed pushup
New wardrobe via salvation army
spend tons of time with Kathleen and Jaycox before I leave
buy sandals

Don't applogize, I hope you choke and die.

2010-03-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

tell me you will never be less kind to me than yesterday. You have absorbed me. I have the sensation at the present moment that I am dissolving.

Today was better than alot of days lately. I woke up at Jess's house and John had texted me late at night that if I call him early enough, he'd make time to have breakfast in the morning. So luckily I woke up at 9am on my own and called him, he was still sleepy from going to bed at like 7 am after workign on the tiniest details I've ever seen in a painting...but he biked over and we walked to Sabrina's and then walked back, slowly. I kept burrying my nose in the part of his arm that is level with my face and smelling him. I am going to be seeing him for a few horus every two weeks and then rarely if at all in April. When we got back I took a three hour nap and then got to sit in Jess's backyard with an icecream and it was honestly perfect. The night before I got to see Tigers Jaw and I was sweaty and saw some familiar faces. I'm so glad I have such great girls in my life. It's the best to be around old friends and new friends in one place.

This summer is going to be perfection. I'm so glad John is gonna help me find free furniture or cheap stuff at thrift stores to fill my new room. I've been thinking alot about beds and how I want to make my bed seriously superior. I'm so excited to have a bigger room that will fit a desk. I can't imagine how I'll get through April. I have piles of stuff to do.

I've been pinching every penny lately so I have as much money hoarded away as possible by May. I really would like even one new shirt or something, maybe when I go home for Easter my mom will take me on a target shopping spree for new Keds, underwear, and hair bands. fingers crossed.

It's a good feeling being back in a situation, one which you walked away from, and realizing you made the right decision. Refuse to settle.

I'll walk or I'll crawl to the end of any road.

2010-03-17T18:45:00.001-07:00

This is the song we're learning a new combination to in dance class. Its sooooo fast. I feel like I have to hold my breath to get every ass shake in. My lower back gets sore. redic.

I will miss three humans when I move to Philly::

JAYCOX

LAURA

REEEEEN

: (((((((((((((

This month I get to go HOME and I get to go on VACATION.
Done with midterms. The next two months will be comparable to torture.
Tonight for dinner I'm gonna make pasta with salmon and blueberries and apples with peanut butter for dessert.

Ive also started using mint scented shampoo. I'm NOT a product person, i get the cheapest shampoo...cheapest makeup...but somehow i randomly chose minted shampoo in my blind grab on the shelf? Well its honestly the greatest way to either start or end my day. It makes my scalp tingle and makes me instantly happy.

Its like I've never been so sure
of doing something stupid doing something without thinking
I'm just trying to make a getaway to you
and I'd have gone a thousand miles more
You are everything I hoped for

home is where I gotta go, will I ever know how to get there baby.

long walk

2010-03-16T18:23:00.000-07:00

even his sneezes are better than anyone elses kisses

"Evidence Of"

2010-03-15T18:16:00.000-07:00

Evidence Of a Long Day

you go to work in the morning
with only
construction workers
and absence of a sun
rise

at the end of
the day
there is no "rush-hour"
there is space to sit on the train
since
it's late
and everyone is already home

The first day off that it is somewhat warm I'm going to spend the whole day saying goodbye to Coney Island.

Why couldn't I be the kind of person who stays?

2010-03-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

Making a list of things to do before I leave NYC
Listneing to Sam Cooke all day
I think I'm getting sick
Alkaline trio played for an hour and a half. they played 97', Fuck you Aurora, and Mr. Chainsaw. Finally seeing those songs live was amazing.
I decided that when I move at the end of May I'm going to throw out bags and bags of things. I dont really have much to say I guess. Erica got her bon voyage package. I put a friendship bracelet in, its cotton, so everytime a take a shower it takes a little longer to dry than the rest of me and when i feel a thin wet piece of cloth around my wrist I think of her.

When I am with you I forget about everything.

In memorial to the worst day of my life.

2010-03-10T11:37:00.000-08:00

wide eyed. knee deep in surprise. just below your thighs the temperature drops 5 degrees. your stand-by flight has just arrived. tongue-tied, bleeding from your eyes. even Christ himself would cringe at the sight of your scars. while you're counting sheep, i'll count my lucky stars. you were the last good thing i ever saw. i lost it all. i lost it all. burned out on 2 hours of shut-eye. eyes glazed at the thought of the next 8 hours. headwind, cold rain to wake me. you were the last good thing i ever saw.

Pinwheel

2010-03-08T18:53:00.000-08:00

It is only Monday and this is already the best week ever, just booked tickets at a hotel/casino on the boardwalk of Atlantic City for spring break with my girlfriends, was accepted to a Doctoral program at a graduate school and offered a residency at a mental health clinic starting in August (that's 20 people from 500 applicants chosen!!!!), and in three days I get to see my favorite band of all time for the 6th time.

um. hi everything is perfect. I'm gonna have the most ridiculous bedazzled club dress and eat at a seafood buffet and drink mimosas. Pre-doctor in training vacay. Five years of my life planned out. Moving to Philly in May. more later......

Fade into you, strange you never knew.

2010-03-06T18:35:00.000-08:00

close upz

smushy

made of forks

one of my fave pieces in the shows.

limos.

eating a sammich

This past weekend was all this art festival business so John came to NYC and since all I do in this city is sleep, work, and go to school, it was cool to go out and actually spend time soaking up all the cool things New York has to offer (I actually got semi lost in midtown for a bit). We went to this fancy place to eat where they have caviar and expensive olives and tried thirty thousand things from the menue with a few of John's friends and went out with greg afterwards and drank and ate free pizza late at night. I bought two things for Erica's bonvoyage package, I hope she likes them.

I've been thinking alot about intimacy lately. I always grew up thinking it was cuddling, and sharing secrets and intense eye contact. For now I'm learning that those things are all wonderful and crucial but when I think of the most intimate situation I've been in, it was probably when I first started seeing John and we'd only kissed a few times yet....but he noticed I had a hole in my cotton sundress...so he sat on his bed and threaded a needle and slowly, carefully, and gently (not to poke me with it), I layed on his bed and he held my hip still as he sewed the hole shut while the dress was still on my body. Him talking to me and fixing something so simple and touching me so newly was so loving. It's strange how you learn from and about people. I never let people just take care of something for me, I like to always be the one "doing" but in that moment specifically, it was nice to sit back and watch the act of someone caring about you.

I don't want to do school work.

I paid my taxes.

At least it was sunny

I drank the best lemonade I ever tasted ever also.

Today I wore shoes without socks for the first time since the fall and my whole ankle started bleeding from blisters. John gave me his socks for the walk home. That was relief

born from the the dirt

2010-03-03T14:07:00.000-08:00

Loose braids, messy ties. Her hair flows over sheets, she rises slowly and stretches. We crawl into the plum tree and through the mountains, searching for antlers, guided by snow and tracks and moss and neon orange mushrooms . She's covered in furs. I watch smoke pour out of a trash barrel, we shoot at paper men. The wolves are my goodbye, skeleton tights. His head is on my lap, two cats as we pet, pale and paler. Close the curtains, he traces my spine and then he's back on that plane. I say, "I'll wait until you come and get me" and I just might mean it. I wish they were mine but for now here are useless words for the ones I love.
I'll take them all.

I've been reading alot of little tidbits of different kinds of writing recently.

I'm craving a box of junior mints. The next four weekends are intensely planned. A vacation is in the works for me, Kathleen, and Kimmy, before we all move away. We've lived together for so many years and I think it krept up on us that we won't be this way anymore, ever again. Over the summer, if I don't find a summer job in Philadelphia I've designed a new writing project. I've wanted to do a whole collection of poems with a theme since I read Kenneth Kochs' book about addresses, that's not the home address, but like speaking to something sort of address. It'll be cool, I really like my idea and have thought of about 5 different poem ideas already pertaining to this theme. It's just something to do to not let my brain get rusty before I start graduate school (if I get in). Also, I'll be in an unfamiliar place so doing that and feeling productive when I won't have school, and probably won't be working, is crucial for my sanity.

This weekend John is coming to NYC, he has a trip for work to some art festival and I'm gonna wear something pretty when we use the V.I.P. passes he has for some openings on Thursday night. He always looks so polished and sometimes when I do things like this by his side I like to look just as put together, its fun to get fancy.

My whole lifestyle like cummin' to america

2010-02-28T19:04:00.000-08:00

test

2010-02-28T12:41:00.000-08:00

Two nights ago I had an extremely vivid dream where I was standing in a room and just watched an elephant give birth to a baby elephant. From beginning to end, it was really intense and then I woke up. So, this is what it symbolizez:

Sri Lankan myth : It's good to dream about an elephant and is EXTREMELY lucky and rare to see one giving birth. It is a similar thing that lord Buddha's mother saw when she was pregnant with lord Buddha. It could mean that you or someone close to you is pregnant. Also, it could mean an amazing job, or good news about something you're waiting to hear from, or lottery fortune.

I'm really excited that it is March because I get to see my favorite band, continue surrounding myself with good people, and hear back from the rest of the schools/results of the interviews. I'm slightly homesick lately and the next two months are dedicated to finishing up my senior year of college and planning everything out seamlessly. I decided that I won't be walking at graduation, even though it's in Radio City Music Hall and something worth doing, I just don't think it's that big of a deal and definitely not worth 5 hours of my time. I can't see John very much in the next two months since he must finish like 20+ paintings within the next 8 weeks and I don't want to distract him. We will do plenty of fun things in the summer like go camping and hopefully he'll help me furnish my apartment because he's good with stuff like that and I'm still stuck at the level of tacking pieces of paper to my walls. This past weekend I spent a few days with my bff since I was 5 years old and I honestly almost peed my pants laughing at least 14 times, it was exactly what I needed.

John Slaby is one of my best friends in the whole world.

great expectations

2010-02-24T20:42:00.000-08:00

I have this rush of feeling that my dad is going to die when I'm young. When I picture myself at his funeral, I look the same age as I do now. I feel relieved at the funeral. I think about him alot when my life is about to change. I think because he made me learn since I was about 6 that change meant something either bad was happening to me, my mother, or my sister. Sometimes I think that I was way more adaptive with pain then, I just spent alot of time alone and would listen to the noises in my house and try to remember them, even if they were bad. I listen to people talk about the house they grew up in and how when they are in it they think of such happy moments and I wish my place like that was a house. My place like that exists in the backyard of this one particular house I lived in for a bit of my life. When I was about six all I wanted was a swingset and my dad wouldnt buy it for me, no one would ever get me this stupid blue and red swingset I was in love with, I think he even laughed when I asked him. It was one hundred dollars and I saved up for it and bought it for myself. Its gone now, taken out of the ground...but the holes from where it used to be planted into the ground still exist. Four deep holes. I stared at them the last time I was there and remembered one of the first times in life when I realized I could do it all alone. That being without help, or "helpless", is, and will always be, totally fine with me.

If as a little girl I could create moments of a happy child-hood for myself, I definitely can as a I continue to become an adult. In eight months I'll be 23, all I know is never in my life have I wanted to crawl in bed with my mom in the middle of the night more. I'm definitely happy. Life is finally paying me back, I still have alot of work ahead, as well as obstacles, but I'm really falling in love with the idea that life can be really good.

Steamed carrots and spinach with pasta for dinner, a banana chocolate chip muffin and asian pear for dessert.

How could you?

2010-02-21T21:10:00.001-08:00

All I wanted was for you to tell me why I was so deserving of such exclusion and coldness for so long. Now I don't care and realize that you are poisonous and I cannot be your friend anymore. How could you? How could you not only pretend like nothing happened but still continue to make me feel totally replaceable and used.

The last few weeks I've been putting alot of effort into making the truly good people in my life ( good= self sacrificing, good listeners, people that ask me how I am at the start of a conversation and actually care what i say, people that don't just call me when they are bored, or need me when they are desperate) those people get the best of me, everyone else gets nothing. I'll weed all of them out. one by one.

I do want to thank all of my friends that I love. You know who you are, i've probably had an hour long conversation with you this week about this very topic.

I'm so proud of all of the strong girls I can call friends in my life. You are all doing so good, I'm proud of you for laughing at the shittiness and looking at the future. You're all gold.

Rude boy that's good to me.

2010-02-20T19:29:00.001-08:00

Hello Walls

2010-02-18T20:13:00.000-08:00

I'm told "you look really tired" over ten times a day. Tonight I spent the entire night home alone. I made pasta and squeezed myself some grapefruit juice. They were really sweet grapefruits and drinking it ice cold made me feel like it was summer for ten minutes even though I sat in a caccoon blanket watching movies in a bedroom with no windows, in almost complete darkness. Inspired by Erica's post about happiness, I tried to think of some too.

Happiness is when someone says exactly what you need them to say at exactly the right time.

Happiness is the smell of microwave popcorn.

Happiness is my sisters stuff mixed with mine in the bathroom at home.

Happiness is my boyfriend in pajamas/sleeping things.

Happiness is new socks, new sheets, new towels.

Happiness is my mom putting jars of olives in my Christmas stocking.

Happiness is little kids on the subway looking out the windows.

Happiness is having your own secrets.

Happiness is seeing anyone fight for anything good, just, fair, or right.

Happiness is picking specific book marks that go along with the theme of the book that I'm reading at the time.

Happiness is being alone somewhere, knowing that no one in the whole world can see or hear you for at least that moment.

Happiness is someone washing your hair in the bathtub.

Happiness is thinking about being 4 years old and walking around the house in my father's huge steel-toed work boots instead of my mother's heels like most little girls did.

We haven't gotten mail in six days. CAm awnnnn postal service!!!

you pull the world over me

2010-02-17T21:53:00.000-08:00

Today I saw a little girl hang a missing person's poster up on the subway.

Whenever I rip a hole in a pair of stockings I go into a a cathartic frenzy of ripping the rest of the pair up to bits. That's a secret. I'm supposed to be writing a paper.

I've never been affraid of dying

2010-02-16T11:44:00.000-08:00

and i know i've been distant and i've filled you with doubt
but i've been heartbroken and i figured out
we all make a choice and i've never been afraid of dying

(jus' hangin in my favorite bed nook )

but its fine because i'm already hardly alive
and we keep on holding on, hostile or withdrawn
its our will, our way, live through it everyday
and i don't really care to stop it because we've
brought it all on ourselves for so long
and it helps us to remain valiant

the same apprehension, the same subtlety
its been 3 years and you still tread on me
its not a choice, its a struggle to stay conscious
some romantic metaphor, its an uncanny sign
baby, i'll be your muse if you'll always be mine
we spell it out in incoherent love songs

(Im really into my snow boots, black tights, and hair acessories lately)

I watched the film, "After Innocence." It was full of information I was sadly already aware of. But, then I remembered not everyone is obsessed with researching the level of error that the United States Justice system is guilty of. So in case you are unaware: 129 people have been released in the last thirty years that were sentenced to die for crimes they did not commit. There are hundreds more that were serving life sentences that were also convicted wrongly. Most states do not have a bill that compensates them or exponges their records upon release, these men are lucky if they get an appology from the judges that looked at them and labeled them rapists, murders, and put them (and their families with them) behind bars for 10, 20, and almost thirty years until DNA could prove their innocence.

Human Endurance always amazes me. I think I'm more obsessed with that than anything else. I think I'm an endurance junkie. Even at my most "painful" moments in life I made it a point to get through it all on my own, just so I can feel super-human-strong when it doesn't hurt anymore (or in some cases, hurts in a different way). Such an incredible high.

Anyway, if you want to learn more about The Innocence Project, go to www.innocenceproject.org.

Or you can just watch the documentary. It is on watch instantly on netflix!!

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T08:55:00.000-08:00

oop bored

2010-02-10T11:02:00.001-08:00

http://www.formspring.me/NikkiAshton

Double your money and make it stack

2010-02-10T08:58:00.000-08:00

School was cancelled. I was reading the newspaper at work yesterday and there was an article in the Wall Street Journal about married couples that have been together for 50+ years. The interviewer was asking them to list things that they deem crucial for a loving, lasting marriage. I thought this was interesting since about a month ago I remember having a conversation with John about this. His parents have been married for a long time and well mine, have not (like much of the popluation). It was interesting to see what people learn about marriage when they grow up around it, and how little I really know about it since I never really was exposed. Here's the link to the article:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703615904575053161639498630.html

I also just realized I've never put any of John's art here on my blog. Well, in honor of honoring my valentine for this weekend's holiday. Here is only some of it. My favorite painting of his was sold in the fall and I'm sad I don't get to stare at it anymore. No, I lied, my favorite painting of his is the one he gave me when we'd only known eachother for a few weeks and which he gave to me when I returned home from Scotland. It's hanging above my bed, it's all mine with a lil baby cardinal in it.

some of his arts:

That's from a series where he painted pretty much every kind of cigarette pack

He's gonna totally hate me for doing this

http://westcollection.org/index.php/artist/index/4910/

criminal code

2010-02-08T09:15:00.001-08:00

I feel like everyone is on the verge of crying from frustration from school and work and the environment of the world right now. Everything is sort of on edge. It's almost spring, we'll all make it. I don't feel like reading anything besides nonesense books and the stack of 14 magazines I just stole from work. Sometimes I'm so tired I feel like everything is such a waste and I have no reason to be exhausted because I'm rarely rewarded for the constant 24/7 busting my ass every minute to survive and stay ahead path that is my life but I have to remember that if i start doing things only for the rewards, the place where I came from and where I used to be would never have gone from the hole that I was born into, to the hole that I crawled out of.

these are all photos from Kathleen's blog. The photos she posts are all amazing!!
www.wayexistential.tumblr.com

we danced this morning

2010-02-07T20:55:00.000-08:00

Everyone go watch the movie "Paper Heart"

Congratulations applicant

2010-02-02T19:22:00.000-08:00

Tonight a got home from a long day of work and class and had two wonderful things in my email.

#1 AN INVITATION FROM LA SALLE UNIVERSITY TO BE INTERVIEWED FOR THEIR DOCTORAL PROGRAM IN CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGY. This is honeslty a dream come true. I cried for about 15 minutes, definitely stopped breathing for at least 45 seconds.

#2

and that photo from john saying hi.

shut off the lights

2010-02-01T21:11:00.001-08:00

I feel like shit. I got weak. for real.

Ran until I found somethign worth stopping for

2010-02-01T09:53:00.000-08:00

I put my hands over my eyes, pulled them away, and you were still there.

2010-02-01T09:10:00.000-08:00

I WANT.

SCHOOL SUCKS

FRIENDS RULE

TIME SUCKS

LAYING IN BED SEASON HAS COMMENCED

The only man for me.

2010-01-29T13:48:00.000-08:00

This is kim's boyfriend's dog named ABE. he's the best because he thinks laying in my lap is the greatest thing ever. He's been staying at our house and it couldn't have come at a better time. He bites my ears and hair and burrows into my armpit. I love him. he's perfect

We regret to inform you...

2010-01-29T09:19:00.000-08:00

My friend Kelsey is leaving for Uganda for three months. Most people do these things so they can have pictures with African babies that have bloated tummies or say "look at me I went to AFRICA" but Kelsey's efforts are rooted in a long time of research, understanding, and I'm assuming pure anger that these things go on so far away. I think she is 100% ready for this and strong enough to go somewhere and add to these people's lives in a positive way. I hope she is safe and accomplishes what she is looking to do. I wish she got there and realized it wasn't as bad as she's been reading about but unfortuneatly the state of these children will probably be much worse than what she's read. I'm so lucky that I got to know her over the past few months and I can't wait for her to come back and enlighten me on everything she's seen.

In other news, I'm in a HORRIBLE mood and it's best I probably don't talk to many people over the next week. I got my first rejection from a doctoral program. It stung more than I thought it would but whatever now I'm used to the feeling. What's most bringing me down is that my life is cut into two sections, one in Philadelphia and one in New York City, usually I love this because in Nyc I have school which is the most satisfying part of my life but....not this semester, this semester I am one of the smartest kids in all of my classes because I am taking classes that have primarily lower classmen. I NEED to be in an environment where everyone around me is WAY smarter than me, I need to be overwhelmed by how behind I am and how little it is that I know. I need to be in graduate school. I need to be around people that are so much more experienced than me in Psychology that I want to go out and read fifty books to catch up. Right now, school is not doing it for me. My classes are just too unorganized and boring and full of stupid statements like "I think bail should be set by how much money the criminal already has" and people that try and talk to me about the death penalty but have never read anything on either side of the issue. Its such a disapointment. January needs to be over.

Also, in Hip Hop dance class I get enough laughs for the whole week considering I get graded on how well I can shake my ass for eight counts. We just started learning a routine for this song.....

Also: there is a fucking puppy pit bull at my house and I can't wait to go kiss him as soon as I leave to get a bagel and coffee (I started drinking coffee, its insane)

The Lobsterman's wife

2010-01-28T02:59:00.000-08:00

Fuck the winter. I wish I could have a crystal ball to see into the future and have some sort of idea where my life will be after May. I know wherever I live is going to have a desk and a huge bed. Those are priorities #1 and #2.

I wouldn't trade my hand for all the aces in the deck.

2010-01-26T13:32:00.001-08:00

I read the book "Dear John" in about 20 hours. Such non-sense but so addicting. My heart broke into so many pieces. So I'm off all of Valentine's day weekend, how did that happen? John suggested we celebrate the holiday for us in June when its warmer. I agree. I want to sleep the whole weekend I think. I need to do laundry and actually get in school mode, I can't get excited when all of my professors tell me that prisoners can't be rehabilitated and look at me like I'm some idealistic hippie. So fuck that.

You've got the sort of hands to rip me apart

2010-01-25T08:26:00.000-08:00

And you fasten my seat belt because it is the law
In your two ton death trap I finally saw
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget

There is room beneath your bed for me
There is room beneath your bed just for me
I will leave this town just to sleep underneath your bed
Just to sleep underneath your bed

Something tastes different, maybe it's my tongue
Something tastes different, suddenly I'm not so young

I'm just a stranger, even to myself
A re-arranger of the proverbial bookshelf
Don't be a fool girl, tell him you love him

I never thought I could love anyone but myself
Now I know I can't love anyone but you
You make me think that maybe I won't die alone
Maybe I won't die alone

I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink

So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like I watch from 6 feet under the soil

All I've been listening to for the last two days is Ingrid Michaelson's album Girls and Boys.

I had the best weekend. I feel that February will be a long month. That is okay. Debris is falling from the construction site of the tallest building in lower manhattan right now and me and Kathleen are trapped here at school or leave and risk getting nailed with a piece of metal. All of my dead ends building up from the past year have been chopped off and my hair looks somewhat healthy again. I bought my tickets for Alkaline Trio and seeing them has honestly become my Spring tradition. I am really excited to see shitty love movies such as "Valentine's Day" and "Dear John." As for the actual day, I'm working at the cafe but we're baking heart shaped chocolate chip scones so I'll just stuff myself with those and that will have to be enough.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/19/science/19dogs.html?ref=science

Piss and Vinegar

2010-01-20T10:33:00.000-08:00

Thank god new Alkaline Trio leaked.

Look where your hands are now.

2010-01-19T11:56:00.000-08:00

This week I start my last semester of college. I’m terrified of senioritis over the next few months and the lack of invitations for interviews from graduate schools I’ll be receiving. I have so many annoying things to do this month such as buy books, fill out the FAFSA, and do my taxes. I wish all I ever did was go out for Mexican food with a few girls to hang out and lay in a huge comfy bed with John and pet a dog or two.

The other night John took me to STELLA in Philly where the personal pizza is like twenty bucks and everything is expensive. We ate fancy wearing band Tshirts, beanies, and jeans. It was amazing and then we went to the movies.

Earlier that day, for the first time ever, I saw a girl cardinal perched right next to a boy cardinal. It was seriously beautiful. They perched about a foot away from me while I was sitting on this staircase in Philadelphia. Then the male cardinal flew 100 yards and chirped to the girl and she chirped back at him. They were only with me for a few minutes but it really helped me start the year off right.

Maybe I read into signs too much.
.

I feel like New York is sucking the life out of me. I need a smaller place to be. I want to see my mother and sister more and I want a nicer book shelf and a bed that isn’t a mattress on the ground in a room without a window.

I love newspapers:

New York Times; Reliving Horror in a test for the Death Penalty
"they no longer have a right to exist in this society.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/19/nyregion/19cheshire.html?pagewanted=1

New York Times; More Men Marrying Wealthier Women

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/19/us/19marriage.html?scp=1&sq=educated%20wives&st=cse

"College-educated wives are less likely to have a husband who is college-educated"

AND: AM New York; Now She wears the Pants:

http://www.amny.com/urbanite-1.812039/study-wives-increasingly-wearing-the-pants-in-the-family-1.1709758

Both of those articles about successful women and the affects on marriage were published in the same day by different papers. Damn straight women wear the pants, and the dress, and look good underneathe all that too.

Also: this past week I made egg whites with peppers and avocado with blueberry/strawberry pancakes, toast, and smoothies with vanilla frozen yogurt for breakfast. The night before I marinated chicken in rosemary,bay leaves, spring veggies, and olive oil, cooked black beans and garlic rice with green beans for dinner. I'm getting so experimental with food. John would eat whatever, it's more fun for me to make huge meals, I think because I never had a family that ate together, or ever cooked FOR me. I always ate in my room or in the living room. The idea of dinner eaten together, made 100% by me (john washes dishes after), is something i want everyday. I love things that have a start, a middle, and an end productt. It's calming.

all my wounds turned to gold when I kissed you

2010-01-16T17:02:00.000-08:00

I'm so annoyed right now with so many people but NY State gives an automatic $600 bucks to people that make less than $13,000 a year. This year I made $12, 957. I JUST made the cut off for the tax return addition. THANK YOUUUUUUU.

I'm craving some burger king. ew.

I've had a shit job since I was 14. I really am itching for a real job, where all the effort I put into my education relates to what I'm doing and I can really establish myself in real work. I'm so sick of living paycheck to paycheck.

Now I've got a feeling, if I sang this loud enough, you would sing it back to me.

2010-01-08T11:55:00.000-08:00

This past week was pretty simple. All I really did was work tons of shifts in the cafe (eating homemade soup and making my own mixtures of tea), braid my hair everyday, and spent almost two full gift cards on buying huge thick pairs of socks. Yesterday I walked around the MET with Lily and afterwards went to the Robes show at Pianos, it was the most fun I've had going out in so long. Kevin recommended some vitamins for my hair (its seriously falling out) and we caught up for awhile and its nice to know that it's unspoken how we'll just always care for one another. He's trying to get happy and figuring that out and I'm glad he seems to be on his way. I won't see John until the Title Fight show in Philly on the 14th and I'm seriously counting down the days I miss him so much.

a customer asked to take a photo of my tattoo while I was working and then she found me on facebook and sent me the picture. lol. I love how it's almost completely pink.

Summer

2010-01-03T23:20:00.000-08:00

I'm sick of shivering!! I miss summer.

Ps. 6 months time anniversary half year yay. Me and John celebrated by texting about naps, what we ate all day, juices, and him being a bunny and me being a racoon. The day before we got Honey's for breakfast and took long drives to salvation armys where I picked up four books for $3.15. One book written by economists called "The End of Poverty," one about Prison rape research, and two novels.

This Addiction

2010-01-03T22:43:00.000-08:00

Holding my breath for everything to get bad.

Break was a whirlwind of never sleeping alone. I ate so much and slept so much and had zero responsibility. I took my first ever family portrait of my mother, my sister, and myself. Oh yeah, and our dog. John really spoiled me and bought me a Northface shell, a Sigg bottle that matches his, and gold hoops that say my name in cursive across them. Also, he gave me some really awesome Nike hiking boots for camping this summer. I got straight A's and saw awfulness in people that surprised me and goodness from people in moments when I didn't expect it. I can't recall a time I was so consistently happy. I think I realized that all the bad things lead me here, and for that I'm thankful. Sometimes I forget what real pain is. But like I said: Holding my breath for everything to get bad.

Did I mention that my favorite band is releasing a new record this year? Even though it's only like 5 songs so far I've seen "This Addiction" has me really pumped because its reminscient of "From Here to Infirmary" (freak/nerd status). Also, Matt Skiba (my man crush for the last 7 years) is doing a whole solo album due out summer of 2010. I'll just think of this as my graduation gift from Alkaline Trio. Thanks, guys.

what?

2009-12-21T16:36:00.001-08:00

The world is either totally falling apart, or totally coming together. I really have no idea.

So much has happened in the past few days. Lots of love, little bits of hate, and definitely not alot of sleep. In two months I start to hear back from graduate schools. This is a pointles update but a week ago I was snowed in in Philadelphia and it was really perfect.

I'll talk about actual things soon. Alot is happening in the news. I hate the health care bill.

Not at the end but, already won.

2009-12-17T06:57:00.000-08:00

I wanted to do this recap for my own memory benefit, I'm doing it now since I'm gonna be a busy lady with Kelsey + Danielle visiting to do christmasy-stuff, then one last final, then heading to Wb for a week.

I thought of all the bad things fom 2009, and then I decided I won't mention them because I'm trying to focus on the good right? ha. okay So the great moments of 2009:

Starting off in January!!!!!

-Very First boxing class. - Speaking to 3 men on death row over the phone in a covert interview process conducted through Pace University, being exposed to mad facts about the death penalty. -There was this moment where Lily was meeting me in Manhattan and she had just been traveling from Philly, and when I got off the train underground to transfer I knew with every cell in my body I would run into her on the transfer train's platform, I remember walking down the stairs and looking down the whole tunnel to see if I could see her and there she was and I literally sprinted to her all the way at the end. I haven't had an intuition feeling like that since, I just knew she'd be standing there. - Started my half sleeve. - Got IRB governmental approval for my study on the first try. That application is like 30 pages long!! - Took a three hour train along the hudson river to visit Lindsey in upstate NY, made breakfast with her every morning, sang Saves The Day songs in her bedroom as if we were 15 again. - Saw Alkaline Trio!!! - Walked around the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens all day with reen and kimmy, realized I want to get married there. - Me and Kathleen went to celebrate Sagen's birthday at Eldridge and we got to party with Mariah Carey and see her sit 6 feet away from us singing along to her own songs the DJ was playing. - Seeing Title Fight play in a garage duing a thunderstorm. - John Slaby, going to a lame graduation party and having him randomly be there, and us hanging out for a whole week straight after that, not sleeping for that entire week, having my first camping trip at Lake Jean, Coney Island, Brooklyn Aquarium, him taking me to my first pro baseball game, us eating hot dogs, his art shows, camping in an art gallery in Baltimore, him taking care of me after that horrendous burn, playing catch and basketball at Hamilton park, falling insanely in love with him. -Scotland, Scotland, Scotland, my first plane ride. Defending America, drinking REAL whiskey, Scottish breakfasts, sitting at the top of a tiny mountain in the center of the capital city with Lindsey and Jeppy. Learning that I really only care about places because of the people in them. - Steps Falls jumping off of cliffs with WB kids and LI boyz. - Meeting purely wonderful girls and getting to know them: Katie, Danielle, Kels, etc.- Hanging with Bobby some while he lived in NYC, Him getting published in the NY Times. - Eating BBQ with Laura and walking around in a downpour - Nude beach trip with dogpound dudes BFF Jaycox. - Turning 22, seeing the museum of natural history. - Finishing applying to Graduate School.

This year can be summed up with a few of the following songs:

"The show is over, the audience get up to leave their seats, time to collect their coats and go home. They turn around, no more coats and no more home."

crazy in love

2009-12-16T09:48:00.000-08:00

snippin' on my bangs.

Goodbye 2009.

2009-12-15T14:09:00.000-08:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/14/nyregion/14juvenile.html?_r=1&sudsredirect=true

"New York Task Force Finds Extreme Crisis in Youth Prisons"

Everyone read that!!

John emailed it to me and brought it to my attention, and I'm so thankful he thought of me and sent it because I don't read the New York Times usually on Mondays because I don't have work. I would have completely missed this reallllllllyyyy good article.

I bought my father a Christmas present (which is also a birthday present since that's his birthday). I haven't bought something for my father that wasn't like a pair of socks or dishes for his shitty "house" in about 4 years. I'm trying this new thing where I try to stop having such high expectations. He will never apologize for things he's done to me because he actually doesn't believe they were wrong....I have to realize that his childhood honestly poisoned him and if I grow up to be this hateful, bitter, scorned daughter, then I'd be ruined just like him. I will never let myself be ruined by some bullshit childhood I was supposed to have, didn't have, or always "wished" I had.

I bought him a basketball and a shirt. Basketball is the only good thing besides tea he likes.

I just got home from the grocery store, I needed toothpaste so badly. I bought pears too. Now I'm waiting to walk down the street and scoop my laundry out of the dryer. I love carrying it down my street, it fills my arms and I can barely see over the pile I'm carrying and it's so warm still from the heat of the dryer that I don't need a coat for that 2 block walk.

I bought myself an early Christmas present. A book to read for pleasure. I bought ....

I wanted to initially stay away from this book because it's some book Oprah recommends and it was reviewed as being a more grown up version of Lord of the Flies. Everyone should read this. I've had it for a little over a day (during finals even) and I'm almost done. It's about the world and a father and son traveling post-apocalyptic Earth, but it's not a week after, it's years and years after when the soil doesn't grow anything and people have formed primitive tribes that are cannibalistic. Even though I'm realllllllyyyy enjoying this book it reminds me about the scariest aspect of psychology. When people find out I major in psychology they think i'm constantly terrified of all of the diseases I'm learning about because welll...sometimes it makes you paranoid you have EVERYTHING, but the scariest thing that I have learned in psychology is that human beings are capable of terrible things, I'm talking, horrible, unimaginable THINGS. This book basically illustrates that catastrophe and desperation can drive people to lose all humanity. Humanity is not natural, in fact survival of the fittest turns the most humane individuals into animals and savages. Everyone has experienced this. Everyone has experienced looking at someone and seeing so much in them, so much infrahumanization, but moments later they are cold and abusive and that is the point when they are capable of anything. And that is what scares me most of all. I think this is why I don't really judge people when they are at their best, however when they are at their worst.

I can't wait to make a mental list of the bests and worsts of 2009. It's gonna be a doozy of a list.

With buried heads we both forget

2009-12-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

I don't want anything to do with people that won't be around for the rest of my life.

But it's the truth.

2009-12-09T10:39:00.000-08:00

Most updates.

2009-12-08T14:30:00.000-08:00

Everyone pay attention for about 15 seconds::::::

http://www.wired.com/techbiz/people/magazine/17-10/ff_smartlist

Everyone read this article concerning 12 ideas that are shocking but could change the world; particularly the section about Purging the prisons, and ending medical privacy. Am I some sort of radical because I've believed most of these things should actually materialize in the near future?

this is one of the most interesting articles I've read in a very long time, it concerns so many feilds, and subfeilds.

John is so sick I seriously think he's dying. All of his symptoms remind me of when I was hospitalized for MONO for 5 days a few years back. If he has mono it'd explain why I'm feeling fine; because I've already had it and am immune, even after sharing all of his foods/bed/drinks/spits.

what I do have is the ugly disease? hahah!! look at this hideous picture of me...

taken by Keith Garcia, at his spot with the cutest leetle pup while we were over watching that boxing match I mentioned a few posts back.