Thursday, July 31, 2008
and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you're late and be amazed when you're early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance and be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you're angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face and tell you you're gorgeous and hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand how you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you and wonder who you are but i accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don't believe me and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don't want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it's empty without you and want want you want and think I'm losing myself but know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less and answer your questions when I'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really dont' want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it's all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it's a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and have sex with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you."
that's all I have to say right now.
Goodbye July. you fucking sucked.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
LET'S TALK ABOUT:
How intimate PEDICURES are.
SO i've had one of these things before, but today kathleen and amy got them and felt left out so i got on the chair and I sereiuosly forgot how IN YOUR FACE your body is with these absolute strangers. This woman was like rubbing my legs and ankles and it felt fucking good but super weird and I kept pulling away and she'd like look at me like I was some crazy freak and pull me by the ankle closer to her. Part of it was painful too. I dont like nailpolish colors so i just got "nude" aka off white. No one speaks and I read a magazine about celebs and talked with girls about HALF-WAY sex...the kind where you basically have sex and then you decide it's a bad idea and you're completely naked but don't do it...I had no idea that was real until I moved to ny. I either have sex, or I don't. Dry humping was the shit in 9th grade though. Half sex exists in NYC. half sex half sex half sex half sex
To the woman who gives me a brazilian bikini wax...
I'm really sorry that i say FUCK under my breath at you, you do a really good job, I especially love when you prop my leg up on a WALL LEDGE and fucking can see god knows what from god knows what angle. No tattoo has ever been a fraction as painful as getting waxed there. The bitch that does it like points at my tattoos and says "pain baby?" and I just laugh/put my hands over my face as she rips another layer of my fucking skin off.
laura and daniele came and chilled the other night. Kathleen is fucking latina from MEH-HEE-KO sunshine.
ian graetzer (9:50:52 PM): I am really sorry for beeing such a jerk to you for the past month
olive and well (9:51:24 PM): thanks for the apology
ian graetzer (9:52:03 PM): But that really does not mean anything
olive and well (9:53:14 PM): exactly
I just watched Ian's interview with JOHN NORRIS on MTV.com. It was weird to see his back yard. Patrick is the funniest one. He just talks about cigs and shakespeare.
People should realize that once they fuck me over, and I say "bye," that I mean it.
I need a new book, give me recommendations
The new Cold World is good
My Ipod is so beautiful
R.I.P. Jordan 8's. Just another relationship of mine that was ended.
I'm eating macaroni and cheese, sour patch kids, and ritz crackers for dinner tonight.
For my friend JOHN CRUZ:
everyoen in NYC go to this skate premiere:
ps. today is fucking weird. the same day I find out i'm getting mad money for school, i realize my fucking most expensive/treasured jordans were stolen. STEALING IS FROM BEING LIKE 13 YEARS OLD I THOUGHT.
THIS GIRL DID.
I went to Financial Aid, clenching my teeth all worried about my scholarships and the dude goes "oh hey you're getting taller, you should play basketball, you're also pretty smart because your tuition is totally paid for again this year, i'll see you at the top, changing the world and stuff"
yay!! I LOVE WINNING.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
1. Tropical Vacation
-Drawing Kathleen, for some reason I cannot get her face just right yet.
I have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I'd like to thank you for making me the person I am today. I'd like to thank you for all of the fucking good advice, all of the times you were fucking late so now I'm the type of person that's obsessed with being on time because I know how fucking disrespectful it is. Thanks for going to jail because it made me realize how much I really do want to work with making prisons more rehabilitative, thanks ESPECIALLY for hitting that woman with your car and killing her on mothers day because it made me more interested in the welfare of children without parental care because I went to highschool with one of those kids and my father is responsible for the death of his fucking mother. Thanks for making my mother scoop me out of bed in the middle of the night in a Little Mermaid nightgown to get into a freezing car in February to sleep at god know's who's house because you are fucking horrible. I love seeing my mother cry. Thanks for forgetting at least 16 of my 20 birthdays, thanks for all of the lies. Thanks for making my mother a single mother, thanks for welfare, and food stamps, thanks for flea bites on my ankles, thanks for always driving drunk, thanks for learning nothing from losing everything because now I've learned to appreciate everything I have created for myself. Thanks for letting me cry alone abandoning me when I needed you most because now I can stand on my two feet and embrace pain as a part of my life. Thanks for teaching me that people are completely capable of loving you and then spitting in your face the next day. thanks most of all for teaching me the exact type of man that I never want to love or marry or even look in the eye. Thank you, with all of my fucking heart.
-Your daughter,(the former little girl that used to play tic-tac-toe with you at every diner)
Sunday, July 13, 2008
I feel like the summer time is usually the influx of boy issues within my circle of GIRLFRIENDZZ. We all seem to have this peculiar shit going on with dudes around this time of year and my good friend Lindsey told me she couldn't get this song by The Bird and the Bee out of her head, it is called "Fucking Boyfriend."
The issue of "boyfriend" has always been strange for me. I've done it all I guess. The "sort of" boyfriend and then the epic relationship where you get married to eachother in the middle of the street and talk about your future kids' names, and I've done the "hey wanna come over and bang" type of boy-thats-a-friend, also the "I really fucking like you but it's the wrong time" boyfriend and to tell you the truth it is all fucking annoying and I'm so insanely jealous of asexual people who couldn't give a shit about the opposite sex.
But whatever, BOYZ SUCK RIGHT???? #$&*#@@. I still speak to ALL of my exes, I think even every boy I have ever even kissed I'm still in touch with...
It is hard to hear constant ups and downs from your friends because SURPRISE girls don't ever shut up about the boy that's currently on their mind and don't get me wrong I love talking to them about guys and throwing them my opinions but I do miss the time in my life when I was sure about the person I was with, when there were no questions, no tip-toeing, just straight up pure companionship. and love.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
A few things to talk about:
- I need a good snuggle.
- I need to get the fuck out of NY soon.
- If I find out that any motherfucking minion from wilkes-barre is giving my little sister beer/drugs/dick, I'll personally make your life a living hell.
- I want to see snow, for some reason I miss it.
- I hate the word "tampon"
- I keep having the worst nightmares
- CHAI LATTE
- Going to see Iron Age/Cold World/Trash Talk this weekend a few blocks from my apartment in Brooklyn. I love my neighborhood.
I'm so tired lately, down sort of. I go to counseling once a week (if I drag myself that is) and the dude I talk to insists that me being sick the last few weeks is due to the fact that I do not deal with my problems emotionally, and since I can trick my mind to get over things quickly/easily, my body presents the stress or anxiety physically and that's why I feel like shit but am mentally doing fine. JARGON JARGON PSYCHOLOGY JARGON JARGON
I want a milkshake. I miss Kathleen. I get wonderful texts from her talking about Mexico or being high or both at the same time...
I went to this really old art dealer man's apartment the other night. He's super gay and like 70 and loves black dick ~only~ and had the craziest/coolest art collection ever and made popcorn and said I was "quiet" and I asked him what his first memory is. I think that is quite possibly my favorite question. He looked at me and said "look at this ring my 90 year old friend made me yesterday"... so he put out his hand and on his pinky was this little gold ring that said "love" and i said the appropriate "awwwww" and then he said "no, turn the ring around" so I do..and on the other side of the ring it says "fuck". I laughed and said "that sums it up?" and he said "pretty much so." Best conversation I've had in awhile.
Give me your eyes, I need sunshine.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Just got back to Brooklyn from Wilkes-Barre. Saw some awesome kids. Things change little by little everytime I go back. Me and Kathleen just went for mexican food at 9am. All I want to do is lay in bed with really loud music and a huge bottomless iced tea. This morning while I was on the metro north platform waiting to go into the city, a business man told me I was "stunning". I thought he was making fun of me because I had been awake at 4:30 this morning to treck back here and looked like a royal slob, but it was genuine, I think, because he said it twice.
In other news I'm making some radical life changes. Perhaps a new tattoo is in order.
It's my mother's birthday, Happy Birthday Mamma